Whoa! Before you start stuffing your bird and hanging your cheap, twinkling icicle lights, please know that this little blog entry is not really “about” Thanksgiving or Christmas, it’s about all the alleged mind-manipulating shopping and big business controversies and ersatz super-greed that gets plopped on your Facebook page every f***ing day of the week.
“Basically, it’s about the thoroughly unhappy people who happily hate on essentially happy people just because it makes them happy.” [Dave Mattia].
It’s about American Mediocrities ( a race of people) battling with other various and sundry Mediocrities over bargain TVs and laptops and iPads, while unhappy Mediocrities who consider themselves to be above Mediocrity ( their shared ethnicity) stand aside and complain about it all on Facebook.
It’s not hard to find this repetitive and unimaginative and Mary Mary quite contrary shit. It’s usually between the rants about some other heinous injustices about which they really don’t give a shit.
Some people are just too f***ing hip to live in earth, right?
It’s also about childishly intrusive atheists getting really angry about something that – in their opinion – does not exist. Think about this. Some people openly and defiantly do not believe in any gods or monsters so they hate them — tell me how that makes any sense. I always suspect that overt atheists have some other kind of mental health issues. There is nothing wrong with not believing in gods or monsters, but when you make that your cause, odds are that there is something not right in your head.
Conversely, it’s also about once-or-twice-a-year religious people getting pissed off at the inexplicable ideas and perceived intrusions of the atheists. There is something very annoying about religious people who put out a nativity scene around now and then wrap it up and put it in the attic until next year. It’s creepy.
Anyway, it’s about mayhem, and cancelled flights and families stuck in a 20-mile traffic jam while the dead bodies of another family are pulled from the wreckage of a car that didn’t quite make it to Grandma’s house.
It’s about exasperation and disgust and poor preparation and unhappy relationships and breaking bread with the very same people you try hard to avoid all year long.
Okay, you were right the first time. It’s about Thanksgiving and Christmas.
It didn’t used to be like this, and it doesn’t have to be like this today — especially the gift shopping aspect.
Way back in the old days, when company owners and executives were not evil and merely out to turn a buck, Macy’s and Gimble’s and Bloomingdale’s were really run by sweet and kindly merchants who paid the men and women in their employ with bountiful amounts of money.
These kindly, white European males did not discriminate against minorities and they did not sexually harass the employees. Everything was happy and fluffy. Again, the old days were great because Happy Holiday People and the people who helped them to be happy were not evil businessmen.
Of course they were evil businessmen, they were penny-pinching monsters — but they didn’t have 200 million miserable jerks pecking away on Facebook ruining the whole thing for the hapless idiots who friend them in social media, and have to read their annoying shit every freaking day.
Yes, unhappy people, we need you to constantly remind us that everything sucks and that Jesus is fake and the nativity scene is the most offensive thing that mankind every created. It’s even worse than the atomic bomb.
Yes, we need you to tell us and the world that Christmas is a Pagan holiday and that Jerry Seinfeld’s idea of a Christmas pole is good and wholesome and better than anything.
We need to know on your every goddam status update all about how the horrible European Pilgrims were really just evil white European men who gave venereal diseases to Native Americans.
Yes, we really need to hear that shit from you every time you sit down at the computer with some kind of infantile ax to grind.
If you’re wondering why Republicans hammered the Democrats in the last election, maybe you should think about how freaking annoying you are and how your moronic and often vicious opinions sent GOP voters to the polls like ants to a picnic.
Now that I got that off my chest, let’s start with the positive stuff, okay? It’s always best to start at the beginning, and what could be better than starting on the upside?
So, guess what, all you holiday-hating jerks out there? And I know this is going to really sting — like iodine– but a lot of people truly enjoy Christmas and Thanksgiving and all the other holidays that fall into the realm of this winter thingamajig thing that we do.
Yes, there are people who love this holiday season, and they truly enjoy themselves. They are content to believe in God and Pilgrims and great wise Indian chiefs who could share the spirit of the wolf. Bless their hearts.
Yes, now you can buy gasoline and convenience food on Christmas and Thanksgiving because people from various cultures which exist outside of Christianity and other American stuffs open their pumps and milk refrigerators to accommodate you and to earn money for themselves and their families.
Why are some people just happy? How can this be possible?
Let me explain.
Happy-Holiday-People are able to go about with their Happy Holiday because they are not preoccupied with their own fetid frustrations about god or gods or the Koch brothers or Sam Walton — or any combination therein.
They’re happy because they don’t busy themselves posting endless half-invented shit on Facebook about how the evil corporations are ruining the whole concept of Thanksgiving by staying open for business.
Doesn’t that suck? Doesn’t it make you sick when other people have fun and family and presents and good health and love and mirth and puppies and kittens? Does it suck so much that you have to be a complete ass wipe and screw up everything with your negativity and miserable-ness?
Grow up and pretend to enjoy something — for chrissakes.
Reporting exclusively for TheDamienZone.com — Damien LeGallienne