Category Archives: Top Stories

McWicked and Dave Miller — KICK THIS !

doverWe all know that desperate people often do desperate things.  Sometimes desperate people are simple minions in a desperate industry, and because that industry is quickly getting the go-by as public tastes rapidly change, the industry in question, as a whole,  has to resort to desperate measures.

MCWICKED:  THE STORY OF A GREAT HORSE AND A STUPID RULE THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD RULE.

mcwWRITTEN EXCLUSIVELY FOR THE DAMIEN ZONE BY:  David D. Mattia

The harness racing industry is one of these nouveau desperadoes, and the powers who work within the crypt from which harness racing is now running on some kind of demented remote control,  are taking stupidity and super-heroics to new heights.

They are inventing a crime against horses — a crime which does not exist — and then they punish people for committing this imagined crime so as to reinvent themselves as great purveyors of truth and justice and integrity.

NOTE:   If you could read the squiggly black line of harness racing hypocrisy on a Richter Scale, the needle on the paper would have recorded the sudden destruction of earth’s entire crust about 15 years ago.

Anyway, by inventing crimes against racing that sound like crimes against animals, they punish certain individuals  for these crimes with the strange hope that this imaginary transparency will bring back the $2.00 public — punters who have fled the grandstands faster than a Ferrari in the Chernobyl Auto Show.

The people who once filled the grandstands and looked upon harness racing as something incredibly interesting and entertaining, now behave as though the whole place has been infected with Ebola and enriched plutonium from Iran.

Strange how just a few days ago, three horses died and a few others had no feet upon which to walk, but no one within the officiating end of the harness racing industry said a word.  It took over a year for concerned civilians to get the  hoofless horses to safety.

Some of those horses would be really happy to have been “kicked” by Dave Miller instead of dremeled by…forget it…never mind.

The powers that be in harness racing are very non-crafty.  They’ll sit quietly by and watch all kinds of strange and terrible things happen to their industry, but let one driver drop a boot from a stirrup and  tickle an athletically gifted horse’s hock in an attempt to win and thereby ensure the integrity of the race, and all hell breaks loose.

EXAMPLE OF STUPIDITY AND HYPOCRISY

A few years ago a Mexican-American trainer was handed his walking papers because his horses won too frequently.  More recently, another trainer, probably from good old North American stock, wins pretty much every race and nobody says a word.

Let’s just say that the average trainer and harness racehorse owner who race at certain places in the USA are beholden to one puppeteer and they happily shrug their shoulders with the hope that they’ll pick up a second or third place finish.

The puppeteer even owns horses with the trainer who wins every race, but no one sees that as a conflict of interest — but don’t you dare let your boot brush against a horse’s hoof….EVER!

Remember in “GLEN OR GLENDA” when Bela Lugosi’s character shrieks,  “PULL  ZEE STRINGS!  PULL ZEE STRINGS!”   Try to keep that image in your head and enjoy the rest of this insane horror story. 

So — are the people who police harness racing  aware of the order in which they place their strange anxieties?  Probably not — because, again,  desperate people often do desperate things.

HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED – THE PLAYERS

There’s a great pacing horse named McWicked.  He is a champion 3-year-old who has done everything right.  He comes from a top stable where he is treated like a king.  When his reign on the track is over, McWicked will stand in stud — something that only happens to about .04% of males harness racehorses.

While in stud, McWicked’s  star-treatment will get bumped up a notch or two.  In other words, IT’S GOOD TO BE  THE KING.

Then there is a harness racing driver named David Miller — one of the greatest harness racing drivers of all time, and a guy who minds his own business and has somehow managed to avoid scandal in an industry where scandals grow as tall as Iowa corn.

David Miller has brought nothing but good to harness racing.  He has brought his quiet and unassuming demeanor, and his class, and his great skills at winning races.  That is what he is hired to do and that is what he does.   He racing colors are purple and white and his fans call him “Purple Jesus.”

MILLERFOOT OUGHTHERE IS WHAT HAPPENED – THE NON INCIDENT.

Last Sunday,  David Miller, drove  McWicked to victory in a very prestigious  $301,650 stakes race at Dover Downs — a racetrack/casino in Delaware, USA.

McWicked won the race like a true champion — going the long, hard route to win  the race in a highly impressive time of 1:48.4  over the distance of one mile.

McWicked has won 21 of his 23 starts and his bank account now stands at  $1,472,000.

For less than two minutes work, Dave Miller, earned $7,541.    Not bad — but that’s why Dave Miller is a champ and why he deserves every cent he earns.

miller footTHE NON-CRIME – DAVID MILLER’S BRUTAL OFFENSE

As the horses hit the top of the stretch in the big race, and it looked like McWicked was really going to have to give it his all — and most horses never do — Dave Miller let his foot drop out of the stirrup and gently tap against the hock of McWicked.   Note that I did not use the word “allegedly” because David Miller admitted to doing this.

While the horses all around him were getting stung by whips, McWicked instead felt a weird thing touching his left hind leg.

For that moment, during the most decisive part of a horse race,  McWicked probably thought, “What the heck is that touching my leg?”   Being an animal who runs on instinct, McWicked hurried along a little.

Sadly, most horses grin and bear the sting of the whip and go nowhere, but tickle their leg with the tip of a boot and some of then will really take off — they give you that little extra UMPH — and sometimes that’s the difference between winning and losing.   To the bettor it’s the difference between cashing in a winning ticket or ripping it up and calling everybody a crook.

The bettors are there to win, and since McWicked was heavily backed by the bettors, it would have really sucked if he didn’t win.  In fact, if David Miller had intentionally tried NOT to win — and it could be proven — he could go to jail.

David Miller does not engage in stupid stuff like that.  He drives to win.  Sometimes he throws in a clunker or the horse he is driving isn’t up to snuff —  but that’s why it’s called horse racing.

In any case, it didn’t matter.   McWicked won the race easily — tickle or no tickle.

So what did David Miller do to McWicked that was so horrible?  

Well, for what it’s worth, David Miller let his boot drop out of the stirrup and tap against McWicked’s hock, and for some insane reason, this is viewed as the cruel violation known as — KICKING THE HORSE.

You might say, “But he didn’t kick the horse,” and you would be 100% correct.  

To kick the horse, Dave Miller would have had to stop the horse during the race, slide out of the sulky, walk up and stand beside the horse and KICK HIM.  Would that hurt the horse?   No, it would not.

David Miller, if he could kick hard enough, would probably just break his own foot were he to try this — and of course he would lose the race by about 1/2 mile because he stopped to get out of the sulky and literally kicked the horse.

So then why do they have this stupid rule and why is David Miller in trouble?  He didn’t hurt the horse in any way.   What’s the deal here?

MILLERRRREWhy was Dave MILLER issued his “STRIKE ONE” and fined $750.00?  Why was harness racing intentionally humiliating itself simply because a great horse and a great driver combined to put out a great performance for the few remaining fans who care? 

THE REASON FOR THE INSANITY

The deal is that once upon a time there was a driver named Walter who was alleged — and later proved to be for reasons unrelated to horses —  a really bad boy.

Not only was he a really bad boy,  he was perhaps the greatest harness racing driver to sit behind a trotting or pacing horse.   Part of his talent rested on the fact that he knew how to get a horse to put in a top effort just about every time.

Yes, he used a whip, but he wasn’t a brutal enforcer.  He was just a very gifted driver with a great pair of hands, a great sense of pace, and a keen knowledge of his equine and human opponents — but he was a bad boy otherwise.

Like so many extremely talented young people,  the bad boy had demons that  supposedly involved drugs and alcohol and the usual.   He got in trouble for those things and he served out his fines and suspensions — but you can’t have a guy like that around your racetrack, right?   Of course not.

In spite of it all, the bad boy was hanging tough and winning races and annoying the hell out of everybody who had an ax to grind.   He started getting fines and suspensions for kicking his horses.   Well — they had to get him on something, right?  Al Capone killed 10 people but he went to jail for income tax evasion.

So, as the really bad boy’s life went into a downward spiral, and the kicking offenses started to pile up. The really bad boy got in really bad trouble outside of the racing industry and was essentially blown off the map for all eternity.

He deserved what he got, but he didn’t literally KICK horses.  He let his boot brush against their hoof as it passed during the horse’s long stride.  He did this to win, and in spite of all of his demons, the one thing the bad boy didn’t do was cheat or try to NOT win a race.

This incredibly bad boy was loyal to the minions in the grandstand who bet the rent money on him.

Alas, Walter was gone,  but the newly invented and over-used phrase — KICKING THE HORSE lived on.  And it sounded really nasty.  It sounded so nasty that it made anyone who punished a horse kicker look like a knight in shining armor.

I guess this is what happened at Dover Downs. The place is a casino and harness racing is the albatross on its back.  Nobody really goes there to watch the races, but now, like all the other harness tracks in the USA, some crazy people have that weird idea that clearing the races of all  horse kickers will bring in new fans.

They’re wrong.  All they did was make a great race and a great driver look really bad, and they turned a heroic horse into an imaginary tragic victim.  Good grief! 

Who is Monica Thors and Why is Everybody Hating Her?

monica 3Finally  — something horrifically newsworthy in the already troubled  sport of harness racing.  

 

 

MADAM, YOU CUT ME TO THE QUICK — AND THEN SOME.

Written exclusively for TheDamienZone.com by David-Damien Mattia <—click on his name and read about him.  He’s very smart.

monica77Have you ever heard of a woman named Monica Thors?  

Odds are that you have not  because she belongs to the widely UNKNOWN and equally UNKNOWING harness racing community wherein she is now looked upon as the most evil horse abuser on the face of the earth.

It’s pretty hard to be the worst horse abuser in harness racing.  It’s like trying to be a Sumo wrestler with the world’s jiggliest man-boobs.   Sure, harness racing has plenty of bad apples but for the most part the average harness racehorse seems to be a happy camper who is tended to by kind and caring people. 

Let’s start by explaining that HARNESS RACING — for the uninitiated – is the kind of horse racing where they have “wheels” and “buggies” and drivers instead of saddles and jockeys.

Yes, I know that I am vastly (and intentionally) over-simplifying any and all descriptions of this kind of horse racing because no matter how intricate and specific I make my description, pretty much no one will know what the hell I am talking about anyway.  

I don’t feel like explaining anything more than to say that Monica Thors is a woman who is connected to horses in several ways.

THIS IS WHAT SEEMS TO HAVE HAPPENED.

Beginning about three years ago, the buzz in and around the world of the trotting and pacing horses, was that  one Monica Thors – a very well known personality in racing circles – was keeping a stable of horses who could not walk.  They could not walk because Monica had allegedly cut off their hooves with a dremel tool.

Should I end the story there?

monica2

STOP RIGHT HERE FOR A MOMENT AND TAKE A DEEP BREATH IF YOU DECIDE TO GO ON.

Okay — so you are a thinking and rational human being, right?  And, because you are a thinking and rational being, you are immediately aware of the fact that perhaps this woman has a mental problem and she is in need of serious mental help, right?   If your first reaction is to run over to New Jersey USA and cut off Monica’s feet, you are not qualified to read this blog.

You are, however, highly qualified to enter into the world of the often misguided animal rights activist and into harness racing period.   Many of the highly volatile and eye-for-an-eye seekers of animal justice are all too often unable to grasp the fact that some animals suffer and die when the human being who collects them might have some kind of mental problem.

Remember my rule:  You are there to help the animal and not to crucify the abuser — especially if the allegations of abuse lead you to someone who doesn’t seem to be aware of what others are saying or thinking or rumoring or  the 800 pound hoofless horse in the room.

OKAY, SO THIS IS WHAT SEEMS TO HAVE HAPPENED.

monica 3Dremel, dremel, toil and trouble.

It was rumored that Ms. Thors was keeping a very tidy stable of horses who had no hooves because Monica Thors had cut them off.   So there you go.  Let’s try to be calm about this.

It has been alleged that Ms. Thors  used a grinder or paring knife or an electric dremel to file those hoofs into nothingness in an effort to cure laminitis — a serious hoof disease that she is alleged to have intentionally caused.   Sounds pretty crazy so far, doesn’t it?

And —  partially because of Ms. Thors’ alleged penchant for whittling away the time and the feet —  some of the horses either died, or could not stand, or were held aloft by a sling which hung from the ceiling until they perished or were put down by lethal injection.  Whatever the case may be, at least three of the horses died while in the strange care of Monica Thors.   But horses die all the time for all kinds of reasons.  Why did these die?

Information about how some of the horses met their death is currently not very clear and we can only hope that they were humanely destroyed, and that the accusations being hurled at Monica Thors are either not true, or they are greatly exaggerated.

Whichever the case —  and if any of this is true —   it’s safe to assume that the dead horses are far better off than the living if Chronic Laminitis was, or is indeed, the problem.

The horses in question — and nobody really knows how many are or were involved in this mayhem — were said to be suffered from a serious disease process of the foot called Laminitis — or in layman’s terms, they were “foundered.”

I’ll save you all the long, boring medical  explanations, but sufficed to say that a horse with laminitis or “founder” is in serious trouble and  usually in excruciating pain because their feet are falling off.   I know that is a very unscientific explanation, but basically that’s the gist of it, and one can easily imagine the pain involved with having a foot (hoof) fall off.

With laminitis or founder, the  horse’s coffin bone – the bone deep within the walls of the hoof – begins to rotate downwards due to the inflammation within the vascular structure of the hoof.  Gradually, as the coffin bone rotates and the inflammation worsens, the hoof begins to fall off and usually the horse dies.  This might be why they call it a coffin bone.   It’s the closest bone to the ground and it is perhaps the most common fatal illness that plagues horses.

There are some effective treatments –medically and mechanically —  and sometimes the process of foundering stops on its own, but once the foundering has begun, the damage is mostly irreparable.   Many  foundered horses have to be put down in spite of dedicated and lengthy medical intervention.  Others live long happy lives with a hoof that looks kind of weird.

Remember Barbaro?   He broke his leg in the Belmont Stakes a few years ago and the break was surgically repaired to some extent.  During his “recovery” for that break, Barbaro foundered in the opposite hoof because basically that’s what can happen.  It’s a COMPLICATION, and it’s quite likely that the foundered hoof and not the actual broken bone is what ultimately led to the horse being put down.

A horse “founders” or gets laminitis for several known reasons and a myriad of unknown reasons.  The actual mechanism for why this happens to some horses and not to others is not fully understood.

What is understood, however, is that a human being can intentionally cause a horse to founder, and this seems to be what Ms Thors is being accused of doing.   The questions are, “Why would she do this?” and  “Did she really do this?”

One easy way to make a horse founder is to feed it too much and to then deprive it of exercise.    This is what Monica Thors has been accused of doing by a group of people who have been keeping an eye on Ms. Thors ever since the rumors of abuse started.

When you have a barn full of horses who can’t  walk, people start to notice.

One can also make a horse founder by being a really bad blacksmith.  Ms. Thors has been accused of that too.  She’s been accused of a lot of things.

Allegedly, and according to people who have Monica Thors in their cross hairs,  Ms. Thors either intentionally or stupidly overfed her horses  to the point where their obesity eventually led to founder or laminitis.  In other words, she has been accused of doing crazy things that cause her horses to founder and then she stepped in as the super hero who tried to save them — but she  failed — or so they say.

Monica claims that the horses foundered because she used a shoe-glue that caused a bad reaction.   That’s a very real possibility but there’s just a little too much foundering going on at Chez Monica.

For some unknown and alleged reason, she took the foundered horses and tried to heal them by using a dremel tool to carve away the damaged hooves.   Yes, this is an accepted, life-saving or life-prolonging technique that is sometimes used by skilled blacksmiths and veterinarians.

I know for a fact that Monica Thors is not a veterinarian, but I am not an authority on who or who is not an expert blacksmith.

According to  the buzz on Facebook and social networking places where  everyone  is in an uproar, Monica has  imagined herself to be a lot of things but being a skilled blacksmith is beyond the scope of anyone’s wildest imagination. The sad truth is that no one  is a great healer of laminitis — not yet anyway.

To me, this whole thing looks an awful lot like horse racing’s version of Baron Von Munchhausen.

Perhaps she causes the illness in order to put together all the elements of a great disaster and then she casts herself as the hero in that disaster.  It’s very possible, but we’ll leave that for the experts to determine.

It all boils down to the basic fact that Monica Thors has been accused of somehow causing her horses to founder and then coming to their rescue with either her own cures, or established treatments — neither of which seem to be working.

That seems to be the general idea of what’s going on in in the strange world of Monica Thors.    Pretty crazy, eh?

Please allow me to again state that we are, after all, civilized beings and what I am describing does not sound like the behavior of a normal person. There is something not right — right?    Good.

 As long as we understand each other and we also understand the very basic fact that Ms. Thors could possibly be unwell, we can continue like mature adults and not say things like, “Somebody should cut off her feet!” or “She should die with her body hanging on a sling like her poor horses!”   

Yes, believe it or not, a lot of people in the harness racing business and in animal rescue and on Facebook — the final frontier for every moron on the face of the earth — have said some really nasty things about Monica.  

It’s disturbingly strange how some well-intentioned horse rescuers and horse’s rights advocates or plain old animal lovers often fail to address the real issue and prefer instead to spout out hateful words.   How does that help any horse in trouble?  It doesn’t. 

Anyway, all torches and pitchforks aside, we do not know the full story.  Perhaps we never will.

EDITOR’S NOTE: One social networking site brags that over 8,000 people have signed on to help them in their quest to get the horses taken away from Monica.  The trouble is that half of these “supporters” are only helping by wishing death and destruction and torture on the woman.  Perhaps the 8,000 should each donate $2.00 and just shut up.  

According to sources, Monica Thors — an immigrant from Sweden — arrived on the harness racing scene over 30 years ago and fashioned herself as a high-end horsewoman and equine photographer.  She seemed nice enough and very highly professional.   She even got herself married to one of harness racing’s most famous drivers.

The years went by and Monica Thors continued to do whatever it was that she imagined she could do.  You have to admire her work ethic.  She set out to be the most famous trotting horse photographer in the world and she kind of succeeded.

Monica Thors did indeed photograph dozens and dozens of harness racing champions and she was internationally known for her work at the Meadowlands Racetrack  — the leading harness racing track in North America.

Monica Thors even tried her hands at being a harness racing driver, but that’s a hard nut to crack for a woman in harness racing and that career went nowhere — but at least she tried.

Seems like Ms Thors has tried everything.

Heck,  she’s even making a movie called “I AM A HARNESS  RACEHORSE” –

So now , on top of everything else, she is a producer-writer-creator – cinematographer – director  and publicist.   The movie even has its own trailer.   You can go over and watch it on YouTube.   Naturally there is no actual “movie” but there is a trailer.   A lot of producers make movies that way and it’s a good way to get your foot in the door — if you still have one.

While Ms. Thors’  movie is in the pre-production and fundraising stages,  she is has embarked on other ventures.

Her most recent incidental sideline, as I previously stated, is working as a blacksmith who specializes in fixing her foundered horses.  The trouble here is that a blacksmith’s job is essentially an art or a highly skilled sort of craftsmanship.   You cannot simply hang up a shingle and proclaim yourself to be a blacksmith. You’ll get found out real quick — so to speak.

You know how some people always tell kids that they can be anything they want to be?  Well — that’s  not really true.

The other troubling aspect to Monica’s burgeoning career as a laminitis expert is — and I repeat —  that she is accused of making the horses founder in the first place because she feeds them too much.

Some people love their animals so much that they feed them like food-shoveling grandmas.  Ever see a fat happy dog?   Sure you have.  The trouble is that fat dogs don’t languish and founder — they just die prematurely from regular-fatty-food-diseases.

Ms. Thors had to hone her skills as blacksmith — or at least work on her horses as one — after the services of a masterful one were needed.

Allegedly, Monica Thors has declared herself to be an expert in so many things, but her endless expertise and her alleged affliction with some kind of Munchhausen by proxy disorder, or some variant of it, has gotten out of hand — and that’s where this all began and where it remains today.

Remember how we spoke earlier about laminitis and founder?  Well, aside from a veterinarian, a highly trained blacksmith is usually a foundered horse’s only true friend.  No foundered horse can find the road to recovery without a blacksmith who is trained to repair the foundered hoof or hooves in painstakingly slow stages.

Part of the process involves gradually removing pieces of the foot and allowing them to grow back.    It’s like repairing a quilt one small square at a time.  It can take months or years for a foundered horse to be returned to good health.

Ms. Thors, it has been stated in various social media,  does not seem to understand this, and because she has anointed herself as an expert in so many fields of endeavor,  her barn somehow morphed into a  horse hospital when she reinvented herself as a blacksmith who specializes in curing horses who have foundered.

LET ME EXPLAIN THE MESS

A horse’s hoof is essentially a big hunk of toenail.  It’s dead tissue and every now and then it needs to be trimmed and shod.  This does not hurt the horse and it’s an essential part of competent and healthy horse care.  A horses hoof grows like a toenail — and you have to trim your toenails, right?

Deep within that big toenail of a hoof you will find living tissue — nerves — blood vessels — tendons — bone — and all the things you would find anywhere else in any living creature.   Rarely, a blacksmith might trim or pare a horse’s hoof just a teeny bit too much and he nicks the living part of the foot.

When a blacksmith accidentally does this, it is said that he has “quicked” the horse.  His knife has gone a little too deep and the horse feels a quick flicker of pain and there might be a spot of bright red blood — like a pin prick on your finger.  The horse may flinch a little or look back at the blacksmith as if to say, “Hey, watch what you’re doing there, buddy.”

This is where we get the expression, “You cut me to the quick.”

Ordinary folks say it to mean that they have felt an unexpected twinge of pain or harm inflicted upon them.

A horse who has been “quicked” is in no danger and the problem resolves itself quickly.  Horses get quicked all the time, and a horse who has never been quicked has probably never been trimmed or shod and lives as a wild horse in Wyoming or something.

Again, trimming and shoeing a horse in captivity is part of basic care of the animal.    If you don’t take care of a horse’s feet, you are not only neglecting the animal, you are gradually crippling it.   Don’t worry for now about what happens to those unkempt horses in the wild who seem to do just fine without any hoof care. That’s not the issue here.

Anyway, there is an old expression  that has been used by horsemen for centuries:  NO FOOT, NO HORSE.

Monica’s staunch detractors imply that she has cut to the quick and then some because many of her horses have foundered.  I will not show you pictures of what she has supposedly done to horse’s hooves — you can look that up all by yourselves.    It’s gruesome — but it’s sorta-kinda supposed to look gruesome.  There is nothing pretty about laminitis — and it can happen to any horse at any time.

Yes, it is true — it’s gross.   Sometimes a highly skilled blacksmith can trim out dead hooves as part of the treatment for laminitis, and it does indeed look pretty gruesome, but in Ms. Thors’ case, and in the opinion of a lot of people who want her shut down, she doesn’t know what the hell she is doing.

I also believe that the reason for all of this madness lies deep within the fact that — and I repeat —  there must be something mentally unwell going on here.

Maybe Monica’s horse’s are gravely ill and Monica is not coping well with all of this sickness around her.   It’s nearly impossible to believe that she is intentionally cruel.  This woman loves horses.  I think there is another element to this story.  It’s very sad for her and sadder still for her horses.

I am not a psychiatrist and I am not qualified to make any medical diagnosis of any illness, but it should be patently clear to anyone with an ounce of common sense that this woman needs some kind of help .  Mental help?  Medical help?  Veterinary help? Financial help?  Something needs to be HELPED.  Something is very unnatural or very poor here.

HERE’S THE THING

There is a movement afoot  – so to speak – to have the NJ SPCA haul away any and all of the horses Ms. Thors has left.  Supposedly her family or friends will  come and get her whatever help she  needs.

The trouble is that it’s not an easy thing to do.  In fact, it’s virtually impossible to force someone into a shrink’s office, and it’s hard to prove — in this case — that Monica is intentionally abusing her horses.  Strange as it seems, there are some people, albeit very few,  who believe that Monica is sincerely trying to HELP seriously sick horses.

You have to totally prove these touchy things, and you have to do it in a court of law — and it’s a very difficult thing to do.

The horses – plus 21 cats and a goat – belong to Monica and as far as helping these creatures go,  the NJ SPCA seems to be dragging their heels — just like some of Monica’s horses.

Listen — Allow me to repeat this.  It’s not easy to take away someone’s pets and it’s nearly impossible to get someone put in a mental health facility or to even have a clinician examine them without their consent.  If she ran down the street with a machete, yeah, she’d get kicked into the nuthouse, but you can’t just haul someone away to the psychiatric ward simply because that someone seems to be a little loopy.

Ms. Thors is a highly intelligent woman and she puts forth a very authoritative and knowledgeable persona. People are easily charmed by her.

Hey, maybe she’s just hit a really rough patch?  Maybe her FundMe campaign is not only a cry for money, it’s a cry for another kind of help too.

My belief is that the lynch mob that wants to see her drawn and quartered, are much too angrily unaware of legislative laws and the laws of logic.  They are not helping any animals with their vitriol.

The folks in charge of fixing the Monica situation are doing good work, but they are attracting a lot of crazy people in the process.

That’s what happens when well-meaning people try to save baby seals and panda bears and horses with no feet.  They attract attention, and with that attention you draw in  the real crazies.

The world is filled with crazy people waiting for their big moment.  Halloween just isn’t cutting it anymore in New Jersey.  The state already has already had to add a  Zombie Walk Day in the seaside city of Asbury Park to accommodate all the phantoms and gut-munching ghouls who aren’t content to be human for 364 days a year.

But seriously, the sick horses can be put out of their misery in an instant, but what happens then to Ms. Thors?     You don’t just show up at someone’s barn with a net and a straight jacket and casually toss that someone into the loony bin.  That’s not how it’s done.

If you think it’s easy to get someone into a nuthouse, you’re the nutty one.  This isn’t a Laurel and Hardy movie.

I truly believe that if Ms. Thors were to arrive at her barn, in the state that I believe she is in, and finds her horses taken away or euthanized, she could easily snap.

Wouldn’t you snap if this was your love and devotion and your reason for living and you were already on the edge?    It could be really nasty — like postal worker nasty.  You have to be mindful of things like that when you engage in this kind of endeavor.

Thankfully, Monica Thors has never, to my knowledge, shown to be violent or volatile, but how far can a person push themselves and then allow themselves to be pushed by others?

Be careful what you wish for, folks.    You think this is ugly now?  Wait until you see what might happen next. Every great act has an even greater encore, and this is one I don’t want to see.

Written exclusively for TheDamienZone.com by Dave Mattia <—click on his name and read about him.  He’s very smart.

 

 

 

Toni Braxton Black Friday Story is TRUE 100%

toniSinger, Toni Braxton, was recently blasted by myth-busters and urban legend debunkers when she stated she would not shop on Black Friday.   Braxton mentioned that the origins of the expression Black Friday came from the days of slave auctions — days when auctioneers would sell slaves at a discount.

Thank you to  this Hollywood writer for sending us on the right path to truth — click to read his quick bio — he is a smart guy – –> Dave Matt

Her claim was quickly dismissed by whomever it is that dismisses or debunks certain things, and it was quickly pointed out (incorrectly) that the term Black Friday actually started in the 1960s when police began referring to mad traffic jams on the day after Thanksgiving and it had nothing to do with the slave trade.

Well guess what?  TONI BRAXTON IS RIGHT!   The term Black Friday started in the slave trade and was again brought back into use in the 1930s and 40s when white merchants demanded a cut of black merchants weekly receipts — and historians know it.  Why is it being denied?

The term Black Friday was used during the slave trade to describe Friday afternoons in Port Au Prince, Haiti and Havana, Cuba as far back as the 16th century.   These were days when large amounts of slaves who had gone unsold were given one last chance on the auction block before the ships departed for Louisiana.

“It was thought to be too expensive to keep slaves around who were injured or sick or old and they had these sales in the two major ports that were used to unload slaves at very cheap prices,” said historian “Raymond Totondi” — a physician and research genealogist who works at the Skylight Institute for Historical Enlightenment in Bern, Switzerland.

“People with less money that the average slave owner would converge on these sales and the streets would be crowded to overflowing.   Most people could not afford to buy slaves but an average person would take a chance for $60.00 in silver for a slave who could not walk or was lame, and use him as a shoe repairman or a to operate a sewing machine or a loom.  Many old women were used as housekeepers and maids by white families of modest means as a way to boost their status in the community. ” 

Totondi continued:

“There was no way they would ship these people back to Africa or to other parts of the Caribbean, so they reserved Fridays –usually the last Friday of the month — for selling this kind of overstock in  human trade.  The problem was that so many people were seeking bargains that most of the slaves who were being sold went for more than market value.”

“Even still, the market place was so crowded with onlookers and bargain hunters that local businesses thrived.  It was then decided to have these Black Friday sales once a month and each slave would actually be bought by a fake bidder.   It became a big ruse and continued for nearly 60 years.

“The real intention was to drive people to the market place to drive up the local economy.  When the sale of these fake slaves was over and the local merchants counted out their daily earnings for goods, they had to give 20% of their profits to the slave sales company.   Handing this money over to the slave traders angered the local merchants and they too started to call these days Black Friday because they felt that they were being robbed by the slave traders.  They said the salve traders had black hands — hands tarnished by coins and always held out demanding their cut.  Later, the term Black Hand traveled to Italy where it was used to describe extortion or protection rackets.”

So there you have it, folks.  Toni Braxton’s story is NOT an urban legend.  Of course a lot of big business wants you to think it’s all an urban legend, but it is not.

According to another historian, the term Black Friday entered back into the language during the Great Depression when black owned shops and poultry farmers in the south started having to pay “protection” money  to merchants with bigger businesses.  Most of the small businesses were owned by Blacks and they had to hand a certain amount of money over to the local white merchants so they could stay in business.  They were warned that it would be a “Black Friday” if they didn’t pay.

Toni Brxton — you were right !

Holiday Haters – You’ve Got To Love Them.

haters

David-Damien Mattia :  Reporting for TheDamienzone.com

Gobble Gobble and Ho Ho Ho — it’s that time of year again, folks.

Whoa!  Before you start stuffing your bird and hanging your cheap, twinkling icicle lights,  please know that this little blog entry is not really “about” Thanksgiving or Christmas, it’s about all the alleged mind-manipulating shopping and big business controversies and ersatz super-greed that gets plopped on your Facebook page every- f***ing-day-of-the-week.

“Basically, it’s about the thoroughly unhappy people who happily hate on essentially happy people just because it makes them happy.” [David-Damien Mattia].

It’s about American Mediocrities ( an actual race of people) battling with other various and sundry Mediocrities over bargain TVs and laptops and iPads, while unhappy Uber-Mediocrities — who consider themselves to be above Mediocrity — stand aside and complain about it all on Facebook or Reddit or wherever else misfits go to feel high and mighty and ritzy about themselves.

It’s not hard to find this repetitive and unimaginative and Mary Mary Quite Contrary shit.  It’s usually between the rants about some other heinous injustices about which they really don’t give a shit.

Some people are just too f***ing hip to live on earth, right?

It’s also about childishly intrusive atheists getting really angry about something that – in their opinion – does not exist.    Think about this.  Some people openly and defiantly do not believe in any gods or monsters so they hate them. Can anyone tell me how that makes any sense?

I always suspect that overt and in-your-face atheists have some other kind of mental health issues.  There is nothing wrong with not believing in gods or monsters, but when you make that your cause in life, odds are that there is something not right in your head.

Conversely, it’s also about once-or-twice-a-year religious people getting pissed off at the inexplicable ideas and perceived intrusions of the atheists.

Anyway, it’s about mayhem, and cancelled flights and families stuck in a 20-mile traffic jam while the dead bodies of another family are pulled from the wreckage of a car that didn’t quite make it to Grandma’s house.

It’s about exasperation and disgust and poor preparation and unhappy relationships and breaking bread with the very same people you try hard to avoid all year long.

Okay, you were right the first time.  It’s about Thanksgiving and Christmas.

It didn’t used to be like this, and it doesn’t have to be like this today — especially the gift shopping aspect.

Here’s why.

Way back in the old days, when company owners and executives were not evil and not looking only to make a prodfit,  Macy’s and Gimble’s and Bamberger’s were really mon ‘n pop shops run by sweet and kindly merchants who  paid the men and women  in their employ with bountiful and generous amounts of money.

These kindly, white European males did not discriminate against minorities and they did not sexually harass the employees.  Everything was happy and fluffy.  Again, the old days were great because Happy Holiday People and the people who helped them to be happy were not evil businessmen.

STOP!

Of course they were evil businessmen, they were penny-pinching monsters — but they didn’t have 400 million miserable and moronic jerks  pecking away on Facebook and Twitter and wherever the f**k else morons unite for the purpose ruining the whole thing for the hapless but happy idiots who friend them in various social medias, and then have to read their annoying and icon-smashing shit every freaking day — over and over and over and over.

Yes, unhappy people,  we so need you to constantly remind us that everything sucks and that Jesus is fake and the nativity scene is the most offensive thing that mankind every created.   Why — it’s even worse than the atomic bomb.

Yes, we need you to remind us and the world that Christmas is a Pagan holiday and that Jerry Seinfeld’s idea of a Christmas pole is good and wholesome and better than anything.

We need to know on your every goddam status update all about how the horrible European Pilgrims  were really just evil white European men who gave venereal diseases to Native Americans.

Yes, we really need to hear that shit from you every time you sit down at the computer with some kind of infantile ax to grind.

It’s like Melvin Udall says in the film “AS GOOD AS IT GETS” – “What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you’re that pissed that so many others had it good.”

If you’re wondering why Republicans hammered the Democrats in the last election, maybe you should think about how freaking annoying you are and how your spitefully moronic and often vicious opinions sent GOP voters to the polls like ants to a picnic.  Pissing people off is a great way to get them to go out and vote — against YOU.   Is that so hard to figure out?

Now that I got that off my chest, let’s start with the positive stuff, okay?   It’s always best to start at the beginning, and what could be better than starting on the upside?

So, guess what, all you holiday-hating jerks out there? And I know this is going to really sting — like iodine– but a lot of people truly enjoy Christmas and Thanksgiving and all the other holidays that fall into the realm of this winter thingamajig thing that we do.

Yes, there are people who love this holiday season, and they truly enjoy themselves.  They are content to believe in God and Pilgrims and great wise Indian chiefs who could share the spirit of the wolf.   Bless their hearts.

Yes,  and now you can even buy gasoline and convenience food on Christmas and Thanksgiving because people from various cultures which exist outside of Christianity and other American stuffs, open their pumps and milk refrigerators to accommodate you and to earn money for themselves and their families.

Why are some people just happy?   How can this be possible?

Let me explain.

Happy-Holiday-People are able to go about with their Happy Holiday because they are not preoccupied with their own fetid frustrations about god or gods or the Koch brothers or Sam Walton or Christopher Columbus’ opinions on social equality — or any combination therein.

They’re happy because they don’t busy themselves posting endless half-invented and the me-me-me bullshit all over Facebook.  And they somehow manage to overlook you and your uninformed Daily Kos opinions about how the evil corporations are ruining the whole concept of Thanksgiving by staying open for business.

Doesn’t that suck?  Doesn’t it make you sick when other people have fun and family and gifts and cakes and good health and love and mirth and puppies and kittens and love and giving?    Does it suck so much that you have to be a complete ass wipe and screw up everything with your negativity and miserable-ness?

Grow up and pretend to enjoy something — for chrissakes.  You’re not too hip for the room.  If you were, you wouldn’t be reading this.  The fonts are too ordinary.

 

 

Matthew Todd Miller – Portrait of an American Misfit.

saint gerard finalDisclaimer:  If Matthew Todd Miller is really just a spy masquerading as a freak of nature, I hereby withdraw this entire opinion piece.

“This numbskull — and I am sure there is a clinical term for what’s actually wrong with him — has returned from a psycho trip to North Korea where he should have been left to eat golden retrievers and rice, but was instead returned home like a conquering hero.  Saint Gerard never got that kind of treatment — and he cured sick and dying people for chrissakes. 

“Matthew Todd Miller is a guy who looks like a third-tier Gap print model or a demented Catholic saint, and he should be locked up in a nuthouse until such time that he is fit to live among normal people.  The final irony is that he tried to run away and live among abnormal people — which is where he belonged — but the USA and a lot of other highly strange people with odd intentions got him sprung from the nuthouse called North Korea.  Can you beat that?”  

So — don’t you just hate it when mentally sick misfits and losers and weirdos become celebrated American martyrs?  I do– and it happens all the time.

I mean, think about it.  You work hard your entire life and for the most part, aside from friends and family and a few passing strangers, nobody notices you for 80 or so years unless you do something really right or something really really really wrong. A murder conviction doesn’t count all that much because, unless it’s an infamous case, you’ll have to settle for a small advertisement of your life on some small town police blotter.

Actually, the “doing something really really really right” part doesn’t count either, because a lot of people do really right things all the time — and nobody cares. Of course you know the the old saying:  No good deed goes unpunished.

It is true, however, that a really well-placed REALLY RIGHT thing can, at the very least, make you a brief sensation on Facebook or YouTube where the simpletons of the world live only to share and comment and wallow in maudlin sentiment, but that’s the most fleeting fame of all.

You can, for example, donate a kidney to a homeless person and you’ll get half a million shares from people who will have “cried when they saw this” but soon they’ll forget all about it as that story moves down and out through their timeline.  In a few weeks you’ll be left with your fame all spent and your one remaining kidney working double duty.

Then what do you do?  Well, you can hire Montel Williams to go to bat for you, but that gets costly – like the PayDay Loans he shills for on TV commercials — the loans with the 409% interest.   If you think I’m exaggerating, you can look that up.

Anyway, you raise a family, but your sons and daughters are more or less born into the same fate as you.  To quote Quentin Crisp, “You fall from your mother’s womb and roll across the ground under enemy fire until you drop into your grave.”

Sad, but true.

In spite of your best intentions, your children and their children will live their lives virtually unnoticed whilst doing a lot of good things or a couple of really bad things.

Your son could be really great at his job, but his name will never be mentioned in the New York Times or the National Enquirer.  He might get a nod in a trade magazine or something, but the USA will never send an Air Force  jet to pick him up somewhere in the world should he lose his credit cards or his mind.

Of course the USA has its natural born Killer Misfits — like the Columbine freaks — and other assorted dopey teenagers with naive notions who go about destroying lives and killing people.  But then, after the dust settles down at the cemetery and CNN, a lot of people forget that some people are just psycho misfits who should have never been born.

Blame for the Killer Misfit is placed on things like gun control or Prozac or computer gaming.  Incredibly, the misfit who is/was really just a psychopath, rises to great fame because his madness had been attached to all the beloved accouterments that belong to stupid people who believe in stupid things.  I would say that 50% of people with some kind of “cause” are at least a little nuts, or barring all nuttiness, they’re just stupid and they’ve got whatever it is their championing all backwards. It’s play acting.  It’s Darla and Alfalfa putting on a show.

It’s understandable why people like the Columbine Killers and Timothy McVeigh and The Menendez Brothers and even Lee Harvey Oswald rise to great notoriety, but what about the others?  What about the harmless misfits or oddballs who fly under the radar until they do something that’s just plain f***ing annoying?

Take, for example, the most recent misfit named Matthew Todd Miller — a kooky 25-year-old loon who looks amazingly like Saint Gerard Majella — the Roman Catholic Patron Saint of pregnant women.

Matthew Todd Miller is an American misift  — the annoying variety.  In real life he would be trying to be an actor or model or maybe he’d just work in retail as a confirmed bachelor, but instead he decided to visit North Korea and rip up his American passport with the added fun of “seeking asylum.”

Can you imagine this? This isn’t even funny — this is sick.  Even the maniacs in North Korea were able to notice his “hostile acts” and charge him criminally.

It’s very appropriate for Mary Todd Lincoln…I mean Matthew Todd Miller…to look a lot like a famous Roman Catholic saint because a lot of the saints were pretty nutty too.  It’s not easy to be made a saint, and a little lunacy doesn’t seem to have hurt the careers of any of those who have been chosen for sainthood.  This doesn’t mean that the crazy ones were bad people. It just means that you had to be a little nuts to lay down with lepers or see visions of Jesus or Mary or whomever.  But, if the end justifies the means, it’s okay.

Naturally we don’t know the whole story behind Matthew Todd Miller’s lunacy, and we’ll have to wait for his book to come out in March.  In a perfect world,  Matthew Todd Miller will marry Sgt. Andrew Tahmooressi at the church of Saint Gerard Majella, and Fox News’ Greta Van Susteren — bless her heart — will have enough material for a month’s worth of shows.

One last thing.  I am not forgetting the other guy who got sprung from North Korea — Kenneth Bae.  He’s just an innocent missionary — that’s another word for “spy” — but that’s just my kooky opinion.  I love spies.  I think we should have them all over the place.  You can never have enough spies — or saints.

The Secret Gay Life of U.S. President James Buchanan.

james-buchananJames Buchanan was the 15th President of the USA and he served in office from 1857 until 1861 when he was succeeded by Abraham Lincoln.

Buchanan was a bachelor for life, and while living in the White House, his niece was appointed as Official Hostess.

Officially, President Buchanan’s fiancee, Ann Coleman,died from grief back in 1819 when James spent more time working at his law firm than courting his devoted — but delicate — betrothed.  Ann’s death was Buchanan’s handy excuse for never again courting or seeking to marry any woman, but he did like to “busy his mouth” with woodies.

Doctor’s reports suggest that Ann Coleman died from a broken heart, but recent revelations suggest that she actually offed herself with a bottle of Laudenam (morphine, opium, codeine and alcohol) when she found out that her beloved James was enjoying the company of young muscle men from carnivals and circuses.

The recent discovery of a diary belonging to Ann Coleman’s closest friend, Anastasia Hemphill,  has changed the face of that story forever.

“Our dearest Ann was at the time overcome with revulsion when she came upon Mister Buchanan lying nude in a guestroom aloft with Kelvin Osford who was at the time a massive strongman with a traveling carnival.  Both men were in a state of tumescence and James was busying his mouth on the manhood of the vulgar and sweaty behemoth. I will go to my grave knowing that the sight of this horrific depravity led Ann to betray her truest Faith and she preferred instead to leave the Earth with the greatest of expedience.” [Anastasia Hemphill (beloved friend) 1821.]

A subsequent really bitchy letter to Anastasia from a man named Kelvin Osford was found folded inside of this page.  The letter was written by a Dr. Chapman (proxy) at the behest of Kevin Osford who was, “unschooled and of simple mind and unable to write even the simplest letter or salutation for himself.”

“Warmest regards to you, Miss Hemphill.  

“As it would not be socially fitting to present myself in your exemplary company, I share your sorrow on the loss of a lovely young lady and eternal friend, but perhaps you can find solace in the fact that James is sick of mind and uncaring.  He would have been an atrocity as as husband to even the lowest grade of woman.

“Buchanan lives only to be enthralled with the muscles of large and burly men and acts of sodomy. 

“Yes, I was engaged in an unspeakable act when it was discovered by Miss Coleman, but I am only one of many young men who have been well paid by Mister Buchanan to engage in unspeakable acts.  

“I have developed my body with heavy weights and stones and now at age twenty-two I too am caught in the web of decadence and debauchery that is the wont of Mister Buchanan and several of his male companions who worship me as a Greek statue and hand me subsequent sums of money and food stocks.

“I oblige you and seek forgiveness on the loss of your friend.  Please be mindful of the sad fact that I engage in deviant behavior with gentlemen only because my mother in Salem is sick with a cancer on the skin and her financial situation is poor at best. I know that this decrepit copulation with other men is entirely unnatural, but I am caught in a web of sin and deceit and self hatred.  

“Please find comfort in the knowledge  that a marriage joining Mister Buchanan and the dearly departed Miss Coleman would have had a most grievous endurance.  I beg your forgiveness and the forgiveness of our Lord.” [Kelvin Osford – as told to Dr. N. Chapman]

So — according to the close friend of President Buchanan’s fiancee, and the bodybuilder he fancied — Old James liked ‘em big and burly and muscular and dumb.  Seems this guy Kelvin Osford had all of that and more.  By the way “tumescence” means engorged, In other words, she found them naked with woodies and BuchanaN was blowing Osford.  (Busying his mouth).

It’s safe to assume that James’ woody was smaller than Osford’s because other letters exchanged between “Nancy” men of the same era and area often make mention of the large size of Osford’s “tumesence” and his muscles.  It seems that Osford was the hot ticket male “companion” of his day, and in higher class circles, the behavior of the men who fancied him was ignored to some extent.

 

Kaci Hickox Is a Narcissist? I Think So.

kaci“In my opinion, going to work in West Africa was part of ‘The KACI HICKOX SHOW” — her favorite show in the world. 

“If she infects someone, she should be charged with murder. As she is now, she should be charged with reckless endangerment.” 

“She demanded to be sent out of New Jersey and now in Maine she refuses to follow the protocol for health care workers returning from West Africa because, in my opinion, she doesn’t really care about human life.  

“I believe that everything she has done in the healthcare industry is rooted in narcissism and a kind of perverse enjoyment she gets from being surrounded by the dead and dying.  She’s a mental case and there are plenty more just like her.”  [Damien LeGallienne] 

Set aside for a moment the slim chance that Kaci Hickox might have Ebola and take a deeper look at what I believe to be her true illness — her mental illness.

Sounds simplistic, but the first clue that confirms the theory I am about to present is her name.

Yes.  The simple and silly fact that this woman spells her name in an invented way, gives away the fact that she is a crazy person. Her name is probably Casey, but since she seems to be an “all about me” person, she has invented a crazy spelling — for attention.  If her parents did indeed name her Kaci — and spelled it as such — then they’re nuts too and she has inherited their lunacy.

Let me put this is as simply as possible.  Kaci Hickox, in my opinion,  is a sadistic narcissist.  She places value on no one’s life but her own.  Again, I believe she is a sicko in the truest sense of the word.  She has the proverbial “crazy eyes” too.

In my opinion, Kaci Hickox’s face is the face of the worst kind of clinical narcissism.

All of her work in West Africa can now be probably dismissed as null and void. She is not a hero — seems she never really was. Her good deeds were more likely rooted in narcissism and self-importance and not love for her fellow man.

Strangely enough, this is not uncommon behavior. A lot of mentally screwed up people love mayhem and illness, and this is why they like to work in certain fields.

Have you ever taken a look deep into the lives of a lot of people who work at animal shelters or on ambulance crews?  Sure 90% of them are just doing a job, but the rest are kind of sick.  They actually enjoy illness and death.  A lot of people who work in animal rescue secretly harbor joy in crucifying delinquent owners or pet abusers.

Naturally it sounds like a good thing to care about the welfare of injured or neglected animals.  Greater still is the desire to assist people who need an ambulance, but in many cases the true devotion of these types is that they enjoy seeing sick and dying animals and people.  They are drawn to this kind of creepiness.  

Think about it this way.  What if Mother Teresa did all of the things she did not because she loved to help the sick, but because she was aroused by the smell of filthy people and rotting flesh?  Sounds crazy, right?  I am almost certain that Mother Teresa was not motivated by stench and misery, but a lot of people are — and this is why they go into certain professions or vocations.  

Such is the case with Kaci Hickox.  

In the 18th and 19th century,  Kaci would have been called a “night nurse” — someone who gently watches over the sick in the wee hours when nobody else is around and most of the patients kick the bucket.

It was widely known — or at least whispered about – that many or most of these night nurses weren’t really the caring and selfless creatures of God they presented themselves to be.  Instead they were monsters who didn’t want to share the joy of death with others.  They derived perverse pleasure from death and dying and they wanted to be there to watch and be part of the quiet mayhem.  You might find this hard to swallow, but there are all kinds of mentally sick people walking around — and they wallow in the mayhem and misery of others whilst presenting themselves as caring and selfless angels.

In much the same way, Kaci Hickox is a night nurse — the worst kind. In my opinion this woman does not care about human life — she cares about herself. Going to work in Africa was part of her show — her “look at me” gig. If she infects someone, she should be charged with murder. As she is now, she should be charged with reckless endangerment.

Juan Williams Plastic Surgery on Fox News

On the most recent edition of the Fox News program, THE O’REILLY FACTOR. it was readily apparent that Fox contributor and pundit, Juan Williams — formerly of NPR — has had a great deal of plastic surgery.

“Juan had an eye job (blepheroplasty) and a brow lift,” said a source close to the FOX CABLE NEWS NETWORK.

“Juan has had a bunch of plastic surgery done all at once.  He also had a heavy chemical peel to help hide the effects of teenage acne.  Since all of these procedures were done so recently. Juan has had to wear a lot of extra makeup when he is on the air.  When you combine the heavy makeup ( which makes him look whiter) and all the surgical procedures, mainly around the eyes, the change in Juan Williams’ appearance has changed drastically.

 

An update will follow this late-breaking story.

Kim Jong Un Deposed For Keeping Gay Porn and Male Companions.

kimKim Jong Un, the supreme leader of North Korea has been missing from the public eye for over a month.  Seems nobody has seen him since early September when it was reported by the BBC that the portly Dennis Rodman fan was walking with a discernible limp.  He may have had a limp, but was it a limp leg or a limp wrist?

Rumors are spreading that Kim Jong Un has been deposed because he was caught hoarding gay pornography from Western Europe and the USA in his spacious bedroom, and that he may have been fooling around with a few high priced Eastern European gay porn stars who he smuggled in as “friends” and “basketball buddies.”

“They are making up all kinds of possibilities for what’s going on with him,” said a gay porn producer in Prague.

“He was seen walking with a limp because his uncle’s bodyguards beat him badly when they were tipped off by a computer expert that the Supreme Leader had a taste for Slovakian muscle guys.  

“At first he was given the benefit of the doubt that this was perhaps a Western plot to defame him, but people who know said that his personal living areas were raided and ransacked and that over four thousand  porn magazine were found in his master suite bedroom which is about 6,000 square feet all by itself.  

“Since the stuff has been confiscated, the fat pig has been under house arrest and kept in solitary confinement until such time that he confesses.  The penalty will be death but right now the powers that be are trying so hard to keep this quiet that he might be killed off by saying that he had a fatal disease.  Those people are really crazy.” 

It’s no secret that Kim Jon Il likes black guys with big muscles and that his friendship with American Basketball star Dennis Rodman is really just a schoolgirl crush.

“Dennis Rodman has never had any sexual contact with Kim Jong Il,” said a source close to the NBA star.  

“Dennis was the one who suggested that Kim Jong Un get a penis enlargement over two years ago.  Dennis was unaware of Kim Jong’s penchant for gay porn, but he did know that the Korean leader was sensitive about the smallness of his penis.  Dennis heard that Kim Jong Il’s penis enlargement surgery went well but maybe something has gone wrong with the surgery or maybe he has used his now bigger tool with confidence with gay porn actors.  It’s hard to tell because nobody seems to know anything other than the fact that he was caught with a lot of gay porn magazines, DVDs and downloaded movies on his computer.”

According to sources who are usually pretty reliable, the Korean leader was able to increase the size of his penis from 3.2 inches to a thicker 4.7 inches, which, in Korean terms, is not too shabby.

Iowa Couple Leaves $100 Tip Because They Want to be Famous.

mackenzieA bus ride home from the State Home For Iowan Simpletons paid off handsomely for Mackenzie and Steven Schultz when they left a $100 tip to a struggling waiter at a really bad restaurant.

“Steven and Mackenzie stopped at the Kozuki restaurant in Cedar Rapids to celebrate their sixth anniversary because in Iowa it is legal for mentally impaired people to get married provided that one of the betrothed has an IQ of 67 or higher.  Luckily Steven’s IQ comes in at 68 and he was able to marry Mackenzie who lost most of her intellect when it was absorbed by the excess tissue in her gums,” said a source close to the investigation. 

Okay — now shoot me.  Yes, I called them simpletons and I made fun of her gums. Why shouldn’t I?  These two dimwits pretended that they were heartbroken for the struggling waiter who was burdened with 12 tables and no help.  Bullshit.

I don’t believe they did this because they cared or because they’re such wonderful people.  They did it because the whole “photo-of-restaurant-receipt-with-note attached” routine seems to be the newest way to get some cheap-ass fame. Their plan worked too!  They are featured on the cover of every simpleton’s favorite magazine “US” and the extremely slow-minded Today Show — just look for her giant gums.

In my opinion, they don’t give a flying fuck about the waiter.  They just tried to cash in for 15 minutes of fame, and because they are starting their own restaurant nearby.  By smearing a local restaurant under the guise of presenting themselves as super great people, they’re trying to sucker the sentimental simpletons in their area into patronizing their establishment.

Again, this is my opinion — I mean about her gums.  Maybe some people will not think they’re so huge.  Everything else I said about these two is probably true. Gummy and her husband have opened their own restaurant in Iowa and did this as a publicity stunt.  So, unless they’re going to give away free food, I say don’t go to it.

Anyway, the two idiots in question paid their $66 bill in spite of allegedly horrific service and then left the bedraggled waiter a $100 tip.

They wrote on the receipt:  “We’ve both been in your shoes.  Paying it forward.”  So then, like all Good Samaritans do – NOT –  they took a photo of the receipt and posted the whole frigging story on Facebook.  PLEEEEEEEZE!

First of all Hubby and Gummy, if you’ve both “been there” you would know that the waiter (real name D. Kyle Malgue.) was not going to keep the $100.  He would be forced to share that tip with all the other shitty servers and bartenders and busboys who made his job so hard in the first place.  So right there the two of you are full of shit.  You didn’t help Kyle — you gave a few bucks to everyone who works at that dump and you saved the owners of Kozuki from being forced to hire more help.  How frigging stupid?

The answer to that is simple.  The Schultz duo ain’t so dumb after all.  Well — they’re dumb in the moron sense — but they were smart enough to know how to manipulate the overly maudlin and mildly retarded people who rule the roost on most folk’s Facebook pages.  Now they’ll even get on “ELLEN” — the official nation of the Simpletons of the world.

Mackenzie “Gums” Schultz said: “It was very obvious that the issue was being short staffed, not the server. He was running around like crazy and never acted annoyed with any table.  At one point we counted he had 12 tables plus the bar. More than any one person could handle! As I sat there and watched him run back & forth and apologize for the wait, I said to Steven… ‘Wow, this used to be us.’ Waiting tables. I don’t miss it at all and I never loved that job. I did it for the tips.”

Listen up, Mackenzie.  If you really cared and you really wanted to “pay it forward” you would not have taken a picture of the receipt — with your name and the last 4 digits of your Amex card on it no less — on Facebook.  Face it —  you wanted ATTENTION!  Good Samaritans do not look for photo ops.  They don’t even have Facebook accounts.  I hope if you make money off of this, you get your gums filed down.

BY:  Damien LeGallienne — EXCLUSIVE FOR THE DAMIEN ZONE