Here is the perfect primer for every person who travels by plane. Perhaps you think you’re special because you fly often, but odds are that you fit neatly into at least one or two of the below listed categories of “what not to do when you are flying in an airplane.”
The person who wrote this list is a seasoned traveler and I think he’s reached the tipping point.
Most of you will read this and say, “HEY! THAT’S NOT ME!” You wanna bet? Sadly, it totally “is” you — so read this and learn goddamit! Everyone should read this and memorize it like you meorized your alphabet in 1st grade — although that might be tough for many airplane travelers. — DAMIEN
Dear Fellow Airline Passengers here’s the thing:
1. MY seatback is, by definition, MINE! Stop using it to pull your lazy ass out of your seat FIFTEEN FRIGGIN’ TIMES during the flight. Which leads me to:
2. SIT STILL! Jesus, I know you don’t know how to read, but can’t you find a magazine with lots of pictures to keep you occupied and keep you from squirming around behind me like a three year old who has to pee during church?
3. When they announce first class passengers may board AND YOUR SEAT NUMBER ON YOUR BOARDING PASS IS, oh, I don’t know, ROW 756D, I got news for you pal, you got time to shop at the overpriced gift shops…in all terminals…before your ass is getting on the plane. Step the fuck back.
4. Listen up! ONE OVERHEAD BAG and a purse/laptop computer. THAT’S IT. YOU GOT THAT? NOT one LARGE bag that can fit six dead bodies in, 2 shopping bags with some shit tourist trinkets you’re never going to use/wear, disgusting-smelling food from some crap airport “restaurant’, AND SEVENTEEN NEWSPAPERS THAT YOU ALEADY READ IN THE WAITING AREA. Note: There is a substantial size difference between the overhead bins and the goddamn underbelly of the plane. Check your fucking steamer trunk and eat before you board…trust me, you have the time.
5. Lemme ask you something: How would you like to touch thousands of pieces of paper slathered with saliva everyday? No, you say? Then why the fuck do you put your boarding pass in your disgusting mouth and make the boarding staff pull it out of your mouth? Hint: If your hands are too full to hold a shitty little piece of paper, YOU HAVE TOO MUCH SHIT WITH YOU (see #4 above).
6. And Mr. Loud Talker: I don’t like you. I don’t know you. I don’t want to hear about your new business venture. Neither does the guy you’re talking to SIX ROWS BEHIND YOU! When you cross the threshold of that metal tube we’ll all be stuck in for the next 6 hours, stop talking. Get it? Board plane, close mouth. Words to live by! OK? Bring a coloring book or something quiet to keep you occupied for six hours, fer crissakes.
7. Lovely lady sitting next to me: When I took out my copy of Vanity Fair WHILE THE PLANE WAS STILL BOARDING and began reading, what I meant to say is “Leave me the hell alone.” I’m sure your grandkids are lovely people, but I will never ever ever ever meet them. They mean nothing to ME. They are mearly proper names to me. Letters arranged into a specific order that, when, pronounced, make something that sounds like a name. That’s all they will ever mean to me. Now, if it’s snack time and since there’s no goddamn room to eat, drink, AND READ MY VANITY FAIR without the damn thing folding up, THEN you are permitted a few short-answer Q&A’s. Once we’re done eating, back off! I’m just sayin’.
8. No, lady, if I can’t bring a can of shaving cream through security, you sure as shit can’t bring a 2 gallon jar of face cream. This is not a new rule. First time flying? No? Really? So, you’re just fucking stupid, then? Yeah, that was my second guess.
9. Meandering upstream through a sea of people trying to catch their flight with your rolling carry-on bag is a definate no-no. You’re not there to sight-see. Pay attention for god’s sake! You’re killing the flow. You’re also probably the asshole I tailgated driving 35MPH in the fast lane on the way to the airport. STAY HOME.
10. When we get to the gate upon arrival, if your seat was not 1C or 1D, jumping out of your seat, pulling your bag(s) [’cause you KNOW you brought more than one!] out of the overhead is useless. We still got a coupla of minutes before we’re even a twinkle in the getting-off-the-plane-fairey’s eye. Relax.
With kindest personal regards,