Across America

Meet The Actor Who Plays Hans Strudel in the Toaster Strudel Commercials.

toaster ad“Some Americans called it ’Gestapo’ and they did not like the one commercial where I kicked down the door and it looked like I barged into the home of innocent people. I don’t see what was wrong with that.” [Gregory Von Straussen aka Hans Strudel].

Gregory Von Straussen just recently turned fourteen years old, and the yodeling Tyrolean-Austrian boy is one of America’s most famous faces — so why doesn’t anyone seem to know his name. Well – NOW YOU DO — he’s Hans Strudel !!!  For more pics of him click here —–>more pics

Yes, folks, Gregory Von Straussen is the young actor with the angelically Aryan good looks who landed the job of playing Hans Strudel in the Toaster Strudel commercials. It’s one of the most aired commercials in all of American television.

On a recent trip to NYC people pointed at him and called him Hans Strudel. He even signed about 100 autographs in one day, and he was gracious enough to sign each one with the name of the character he portrays.

“I had to invent a completely different signature for Hans Strudel because Americans didn’t seem to care that I had a real name and that my character in the commercial is not my real identity,” said Gregory in his very thick German accent from the large A-Frame log house he shares with his parents in Innsbruck, Austria.

“If I tell people that I am Gregory Von Straussen, they become instantly uninterested and walk away, but when I smile and say that I am Hans Strudel, the people in the USA go crazy. I love American movies and movie stars, and I even went to the Grand Canyon two times, but I have to say that the American people are very flaky (chuckles) just like toaster strudel, yah?”

Yah, indeed ! The young actor model speaks perfect English but there is no mistaking that German accent of his. It sounds so familiar and heartwarming, It even landed him a part in an American TV show written by this well-known writer —->

“Actually, I have an Austrian accent and there is a difference.  I live on the western part of Austria – a strip between Italy and Germany - so I also speak formal German and Italian. I know I have an accent but I am going to a new school to try and fix that. My English teacher at my school in Austria was not a very good teacher and she had a very bad accent that she passed on to all of the students. One day a local inspector came to our school to hear our English lessons and after that we never saw that teacher again. The new teacher is from England and they say that’s the best English of all to learn and so far I am in that class for six months and getting the best grades.” figured that Gregory was grown up enough to answer some pretty adult questions, and when we asked him about the complaints the Hans Strudel commercials were generating in certain circles, Gregory was eager to answer.

“Some Americans called it ’Gestapo’ and they did not like the one commercial where I kicked down the door and it looked like I barged into the home of innocent people. I don’t see what was wrong with that. If you have something the people need — and everybody needs Toaster Strudel — why would you not kick in the door to make sure they get the message? I know that in some parts of the USA they do not show that version of the commercial anymore, and now the commercial is very ‘Hollywood’ and what I would call….shticky. I don’t like that version. It does not show the brotherhood of the people who share the message of Toaster Strudel.”

Currently, Gregory is doing a series of TV spots for a Kosher sausage company that will air throughout most of the German speaking world and he is also filming Italian and English language versions.

“My new agent is a nice man named Morty, and he thought that I should try to appeal to a bigger audience because I cannot make a name for myself just talking about Toaster Strudel.

“Do you know that most Americans do not eat Toaster Strudel,  and what is even worse is that they do not eat any breakfast at all?

“I cannot believe that. How do they get to school and do their calisthenics with any vigor?

“I think all children should start the day with strong coffee, when Father and Mother say it’s okay, and then they should always eat a healthy breakfast that includes Toaster Strudel. After that they should walk to school while inhaling deeply and proudly.”

Gregory’s parents, Vilhelm, a fighter pilot in the Austrian Air Force, and Gretel, a piano teacher, are proud of their little Gregory. They plan on sending him to Munich to finish his secondary schooling and then hopes are that he will attend Harvard University in the USA or Oxford in England.

Currently, Gregory Von Straussen is the smartest kid in his class and his IQ has been measured to be 159 — which is well beyond the genius range. All the kids love him. He’s smart, he’s cute, he’s famous and he gets the school endless amounts of free Toaster Strudel.

And while Gregory Von Straussen likes being an actor and making a lot of money, his dream is to one day become an artist or an architect. He especially admires the architecture of Vienna and says, “I hope that one day I will live in Vienna with my bride and dozens of children.”


22 comments - What do you think?
Posted by Damien - March 13, 2014 at 1:44 am

Categories: Across America, Damien Zone, Featured Across America, Featured Hollywood, Featured World News, Hollywood, Top Stories, World News   Tags:

E Harmony Granddaughter is Pro Gay Marriage


E Harmony’s Dr. Neil Clark Warren may be a bigoted guy who is opposed to gay marriage, but his grandaughter Caroline — the one with the speech impediment who appears in his commercials sporting blond pigtails — does not agree with her grandfather’s stand on gay issues.

Caroline has been to many speech therapists and a cure has not been found, yet when it comes to modern social issues, the little actress speaks a lot more clearly than her stuffy grandfather.

This Hollywood writer got the inside scoop on Caroline Clark Warren:

“I be-weeve, that gay people should be awwoed to mawwy and that my gwandfather is tewwibly wong about this,” said Caroline from her penthouse apartment playroom in West Palm Beach.

“Gwandpa is vewy, vewy, old fashioned, and he doesn’t wook at things the way he should. When I was a wheely wittle girl, I did not know what it meant when people say that somebody was gay, but now that I know, I will try to make my gwandfather twy to change his vewy wong idea about what people should do in the bedwoom. That stuff is vewy pwivat.”

Don’t hold your breath waiting for Caroline to come through on her promise to change her grandfather. The kid is pulling in a lot of money doing those TV spots.

“I make a watt of money and pwetty soon I will have enough to buy a Wools Woyce Convawtible.”

Be the first to comment - What do you think?
Posted by Damien - March 9, 2014 at 7:08 pm

Categories: Across America, Damien Zone, Featured Across America, Featured Hollywood, Featured Politics, Featured World News, Hollywood, Politics, Top Stories, World News   Tags:

“Bruce Jenner is Definitely Getting a Sex Change” says expert?

bruce j“….it’s all part of the Kardashian’s master plan for a mega-season storyline wherein Bruce finally gets sexual assignment surgery and changes his name — according to rumor — to Jenny Bruce.” [The Damien Zone - Damien LeGallienne]

If it walks like a duck, it’s probably a duck and if a guy looks like he is going through a sex-change procedure, it is safe to say that he probably is doing just that. It’s becoming more and more obvious that in Jenner’s case it’s a whole lot more than a “Dude Looks Like a Lady” kind of thing. This time the dude IS a lady or pretty close to making the full transition.

“I believe Bruce Jenner is absolutely preparing to have a sex change operation,” said a medical source close to

“In his current state, Bruce is what transvestite and transsexual prostitutes on the street would angrily call a ‘gender fuck‘ because, his appearance is confusing and in spite of that, he is living life as a man. That is where the phrase ‘gender fuck’ is derived. He looks like one sex but proclaims to be another. Most pre-op or post op transsexuals refer to themselves as women and they take on the names of women, but Bruce is still Bruce and still claiming to be a man, so right now, as vulgar as it seems, Bruce Jenner would be referred to in the transsexual community as a ‘gender fuck’.  He’s very similar to the prop comic Carrot Top.

“The recent pictures of Bruce that have emerged show a very feminized and aging version of the once young man who was once a muscular young Olympian – the embodiment of manhood and virility.

“His facial skin looks like it has been thoroughly cleared of all whiskers via electrolysis and it has taken on a weathered and papery aging lady texture. His hair looks a little more lustrous which would be the result of female hormones.

“Also, no man on earth get’s an ‘adam’s apple’ shave unless they want to look like or become a woman. It‘s just something that is so specialized. To have that surgery is akin to wearing a sign that reads, ~I am going through a sex change operation~ and there are no ifs, ands or buts about it.”

Other sources close to TheDamienZone say that this is all falsely hush hush and limply denied in the Kardashian world, but it’s all part of the Kardashian’s master plan for a mega-season storyline wherein Bruce finally gets sexual assignment surgery and changes his name — according to rumor — to Jenny Bruce.

“The Kardashians will score huge ratings on this “VERY SPECIAL SEASON OF THE KARDASHIANS” but right now they’re playing dumb so the story is new and fresh for the Kardashian hungry morons of the world.”

“Bruce has been wanting to have a sex change for years — nearly twenty or so years and it’s safe to assume that a few times he either chickened out or he could not get psychiatric clearance for the procedure. Now he is so famous that any quack will do the operation just so they can be connected to a celebrity.

“Think about Michael Jackson. A regular person could never get the heavy-duty IV drug prescriptions from a doctor no matter how much they paid, but many Hollywood doctors are seduced by the whole celebrity ambiance and they’ll do anything to get close to celebs — even it means putting their medical licenses in jeopardy.”

3 comments - What do you think?
Posted by Damien - February 13, 2014 at 5:28 pm

Categories: Across America, Damien Zone, Featured Across America, Featured Hollywood, Featured Sports, Featured World News, Health and Medical, Hollywood, Sports, Top Stories, World News   Tags:

Denmark Zoo Kills Giraffe and Feeds Him to Lions.

giraffe“The veterinary version of  Josef Mengele is alive and well and calling the shots at the Copenhagen Zoo.  It seems he is the person in Denmark who determines which animals are fit to live and procreate and which are inferior or flawed. Then he dissects them in front of children” [Damien LeGallienne,  10, February 2014] is calling for a boycott on tourism to Denmark — especially Copenhagen — especially the murderous zoo where they killed a giraffe because they didn’t like its family tree.

The Copenhagen Zoo — which, in my opinion, is run by Nazis — shot and killed a perfectly healthy giraffe today and then fed the meat to the lions and the tigers. They did this because the giraffe “did not fit into their program” and they did not want him sent to another zoo because they said “it would cause inbreeding.”

So that’s how they do it in Denmark — very Hitler-ish don’t you think?  The giraffe was named Marius, and to add insult to injury, they shot the poor guy in the head with a bolt gun because to kill him with a lethal injection would have rendered the meat inedible.   Is this zoo broke or something?  If you have to kill your animals to feed your other animals, something is really, really wrong.

Now, according to the really bad writers at CNN, the assholes are going to perform an autopsy. First of all, there is no such thing as an “autopsy” on an animal — for the 1,000th time, assholes — a postmortem on an animal is called a NECROPSY. How many frigging times do I have to tell you morons how to write correctly?

Anyway, several wildlife parks and zoos offered to take Marius but the Copenhagen zoo thought it was better to shoot a deadbolt into its brain — and it was VERY messy.  For some weird reason, they would not let Marius go somewhere else to live out his life.  It’s as though they wanted to practice killing giraffes or something. I don’t care how many “experts” try to explain what they did and why they did it.  The fact remains that they wanted this giraffe dead and they wanted to take this animals death to a Jerry Springer level.  They succeeded.

“The Yorkshire Wildlife Park in England offered to take him in and they have one of the best giraffe facilities in the world,” said Zoologist/Writer David D. Mattia when we contacted him from our office in Belgium.”

“There were so many more options open to Bengt Holst (the scientific director of the zoo) but for some weird reason he wouldn’t budge.”

David D. Mattia continued:

“I know there are various  protocols for situations like this, but The Copenhagen zoo laid this out for all the world to see and know about.  They turned it into a cheap sideshow and for that they have to face the music. They should never, never, never have done this.

“It’s very creepy and unnatural human behavior by a zoological administration where many, if not all, the interests should be centered on animal behavior.”

“I don’t know why they would kill #Marius simply because his genetic strain is already well-represented in their giraffe herd. They keep repeating their mantra about maintaining genetic purity, and the more they emphasize that point, the creepier it gets. It’s frightening …the way they speak so openly about this and then they dissected the animal in front of families and children.  There is something mentally wrong with somebody over there.

“The Copenhagen zoo shot a giraffe and at the same time they shot themselves in the foot. Nobody will or should go there now…not anyone who finds about this, and just about everyone will eventually.

“I thoroughly support a boycott on tourism to the Copenhagen Zoo because if the folks in charge…the scientific people…do something like this, something that should have either not been made public or something they knew would be grossly offensive throughout the world and viewed as cruel by millions of people, it speaks volumes about the mindset of the zoo itself. I think they’re a little crazy or something. I would like to say something a whole lot deeper and more meaningful but the weird hubris of the powers that be at the Copenhagen Zoo is mind-boggling and there is nothing to say aside than to say that they’re a little nuts.”

“Of course you always want to avoid inbreeding in captive animals, but you simply don’t kill a beautiful animal in what amounts to be a public spectacle and then not expect people to be outraged or to ever again patronize your zoo, especially when so many other options were available.  The whole affair turned into a macabre death-watch vigil that should have never happened.  

“What they did at the Copenhagen zoo was showy and self-serving and disgusting. Maybe they like stuff like that.  You never know what kind of wild stuff goes on in some people’s heads.  Just because they’re zoologists and veterinarians one can’t automatically assume that they are not also out of their minds.”

So Marius is D-E-A-D and now the lions will be eating him. Let’s see. Wasn’t there another time when some humans were seen as disposable and they too were fed to the lions?

LISTEN!  Don’t waste your money on a trip to Denmark.  Donate a few bucks to your favourite charity.   This is a link to the zoologist we interviewed — – click on it and learn about his projects. or follow him on Twitter @DaveMattia

6 comments - What do you think?
Posted by Damien - February 9, 2014 at 12:59 pm

Categories: Across America, Damien Zone, Featured Across America, Featured Hollywood, Featured Politics, Featured World News, Health and Medical, Hollywood, Politics, Top Stories, World News   Tags:

Ellen Degeneres Gladys phone call HILARIOUS HOAX!


GLADYS from AUSTIN and her, “I love Jesus, but I drink a little,” is – was – and will forever be —- a hilarious hoax!

The face book sharers are at it again and this time these ELLEN “sharers” are even more hysterical than ever.

Old Gladys —  all 88 years of her —  is/was an imaginary character conjured up by the brilliantly funny comedian SCOTT HARDY — one of the funniest comics in all of Texas — or maybe even the USA.  He has played for the Crown Heads of some the greatest countries in the world — and he would have played to their bodies as well but bodies with legs can walk out a whole lot easier than just heads placed on a seat.

Scott created a character and had Ellen to fool her audience. But what would you expect — Ellen has been making her audience  roll in the aisles for 20 years.

This time it was a comic even wittier than Ellen herself who connected to Ellen’s audience — and Millions have been laughing as the video has gone viral.

Admittedly, what I am talking about happened six years ago, but the video is still out there — spreading across the world of Facebookers the world over.

Six years on and the Scott Hardy fans – new and old –  are still sharing it, so somebody has to do the dirty work and tell you people that Gladys, the “I love Jesus but I drink a little” phone caller on the Ellen Degeneres show, was really a character invented by a comedic genius who ranks up there with the best of the best.

“I invited Scott to Buckingham Palace to play for me in a private audience, and I like to think that the 88-year-old woman Scott created is me.  I am, after all, the one who taught Scott Hardy how to be a royal pain the ass.  Prior to meeting me, he was just a pain in the ass.”  [Elizabeth II] 

There was no Gladys from Austin, but there was a local comedian in Austin who invented that character. His name is Scott Hardy and he didn’t fool Ellen — she knew all along that she was fooling her audience — and what better way to get a laugh?

Gladys, was not really an 88-year-old woman — it was Scott Hardy.

Ellen somehow returned the call the next day and had her audience in stitches.  And this is what happens when two brilliant minds get together to hoodwink the public.  It’s a double laugh within a laugh.

NOTE:  As of 24 August, 2014, this blog entry has 203,007 views.

Daily Note:  Today’s comments are being answered by Dave Mat.  A very successful writer who monitors the Damien Zone on Sunday.   Click on his name to read his credentials.



49 comments - What do you think?
Posted by Damien - February 1, 2014 at 9:09 am

Categories: Across America, Damien Zone, Featured Across America, Featured Hollywood, Featured World News, Hollywood, Top Stories, World News   Tags:

Old Lady Hits Car and Airbag HOAX FAKE.

airbag lady“He even tried to make it look like it was in the USA for some reason because he imagines himself to be a Hollywood star in spite of the fact that he gets turned down for even the smallest parts in Danish TV and stage.” [Lise Munchen, Videographer, Copenhagen, Denmark]

There is a new moronic Face book “share” going around where an elderly lady whacks the bumper of a rude driver’s car and sets the airbag off in his face. It’s cute and it’s viral and it’s fake — and it’s shared by the simple-minded Facebook morons who like to share things — especially things where good triumphs over evil. You know, the stuff that imbeciles like?

In spite of the fact that I detest Facebook shares and the cretins who share them, I have to address this one as 100% fake because the parties involved in this staged video are actors — all from a regional playhouse in Denmark.  Better angle of video stills from here — >Direct photo  Driver appears to be David D. Mattia from the hit miniseries “Have You Met Miss Jones.”

The old lady crossing the street is an actress named Lotti Perlmann who has had bit parts in several Danish TV commercials. In those commercials she always plays the part of an old lady who does something out of character. The man driving the car is Karl Brenstroff who is a stage actor — at least he claims to be — but he never seems to do any work.

Besides the first account you are about to read, there are a few things that give this away. Look for the old lady being asleep at the curb and then jolting awake when she hears the horn — FAKE !!

The video starts off with kids skateboarding – a diversion – and the camera turns and stays focused on the subject as it moves to the perfect spot. FAKE !!!   And…nobody says anything. !!! I was close to 100% certain that  it was a fake until I spoke to Lise Munchen who filmed the entire thing and then was screwed out of her share of the profits when the video was used by IKEA in a European ad campaign.

According to Lise Munchen, she agreed to help with this video with an agreement that she get paid and get a cut if the video made money on the net, but instead of being paid ANYTHING, Lise was also screwed out of the money this video has earned — something that the self-proclaimed star of the video Karl Brenstroff had promised everyone involved — six people in all.

“This is a video that was made by myself and friends of Karl (Brenstroff) with the hopes that it would go viral in the USA. Karl is a piece of shit and this is why he lives in a dream world where he is an actor. His father has enough money to keep a lawyer and prevent us from getting our share. We just work regular jobs and sometimes we have a play at the local theater, but Karl has made over $1,000,000(US) which he now refuses to share with anyone. It wasn’t even his idea.

“He even tried to make it look like it was in the USA for some reason because he imagines himself to be a Hollywood star in spite of the fact that he gets turned down for even the smallest parts in Danish TV and stage.

“Lotti is a nice lady and a good actress who struggles with small roles she gets in local plays and TV advertisements. She lives in a small apartment and she did this as a favor for Karl but she too was not paid. She says she doesn’t care but I know she is hurt by this because the video has earned a lot of money and we were to get 10% each. Lotti’s share would be about $100,000 (US). I think she is being treated the most unfairly of us all because she is the star of this video. Without her there would be no video. The story is about her and not about Karl, but when you know Karl you quickly learn that EVERYTHING is about Karl.  IKEA paid him a lot of money for this and he did not share one bit with all of us who worked so hard for him and it was not even his idea.  We all did this together. “

So the video where the old lady hit’s the honking car with her handbag and makes the airbag go off is fake and the guy who created the idea is a scum bag. Maybe he should work in Hollywood after all. He already knows how to use people and lie about money.

“I spent days for Karl trying to find a place that seemed ethno-neutral and not looking very European, but he forgot that the borrowed car he used had Danish license tags that are obvious in the video and the street signs are not the ones one sees in the USA. The skateboarders were also an added segue into the scene but the whole thing is really poorly done. Of all the fake viral videos out there, I think this is the fakest of them all. I know because I was there and when I got cheated out of my share of the income from this video, I had to come forward with the truth but people still keep spreading this around. I tried to go to Danish TV with the truth but they ignore me because they get viewers to watch shows like this one and so manty other fake videos that sometimes go viral.”

What about the airbag? That actually went off, right?

“He used a portable airbag that you can put on an off road bike or a four wheeler. They cost about $75(US) and you can buy them anywhere. A real airbag in that car would have opened on both sides since that car has driver and passenger side airbags. These are things he did not think about when he set out to make the video. Also you can see that he smudges his own nose with powder after the airbag opens. The powder did not come from the airbag.”

If anyone from IKEA is reading this, they might want to look into where the money went.  An old lady got screwed out of a lot of money as did a lot of other people.

Exclusive for by Damien LeGallienne.  

Like us on Twitter

16 comments - What do you think?
Posted by Damien - January 25, 2014 at 1:48 pm

Categories: Across America, Damien Zone, Featured Across America, Featured Hollywood, Featured World News, Hollywood, Top Stories, World News   Tags:

Justin Bieber DUI in Miami. Is He Struggling With His Sexuality?

BIEBER bj“If I had to guess I would say that Justin Bieber is on the down low (SECRET GAY) with these types and he can’t deal with his desires for bad boys and drugs and alcohol.  He didn’t sing that song ‘BOYFRIEND’ for nothing you know. ”  [ANONYMOUS]

Justin Bieber is in hot water — and this time it’s boiling with a Mandingo fury.

The 19-year-old Canadian singing tween star who is trying so hard to be “hard-core” and mature, was arrested for speeding last night in Miami and will probably be charged with drunk driving…he failed a field sobriety test.  He couldn’t drive fast enough to escape for his desire for ebony love.

Bieber’s behavior as been really bad for a few years, but in the past few weeks he seems to be in a rapid tailspin.  Unlike child star Joey Lawrence, Justin Bieber still has a full head of hair.  Joey lost his hair but he didn’t completely lose his mind – unless you count 20,000 hair plugs and waxing every hair off his body and tweezing his eyebrows and wearing makeup and elevator shoes.  Bieber, on the other hand,  seems to be losing his mind and he might lose his life if he doesn’t have some kind of iintervention. 

“John F. Kennedy Jr had a better chance of getting to Nantucket in his plane than Justin Bieber has of living to be 20,” said Dr. Raymond Tote-Tundy MD, a psychiatrist and the author of the scientific study, The Psychology of Celebrities and Why They Fall.

“Bieber has deep psychological issues which he is trying to fight by using modern day iconic figures and areas of thought. He has tied himself to hardcore rap music stars and underground rap stars to try to lock in some sense of masculinity and maleness.

“Bieber could be struggling with any number of teenage woes.  The question is; which inner problem is he struggling with?

“Is he struggling with his sexuality? Is he addicted to drugs? Is he an alcoholic? Is he an alcoholic who is addicted to drugs and alcohol and is gay or bisexual for black rap stars? I can’t say, but unless a teenager is mentally ill, the struggles of adolescence usually have a hidden cause such as I have mentioned and these struggles come to a full boil at age 18 or 19. If the problems go unrecognized, the whole house of cards begins to fall.

“In Bieber’s case. It’s hard to tell when he needs adult guidance or peer counseling because he is surrounded 24-7 by sycophants who tell him that everything he does is okay. He soon sees himself as all-knowing and omnipotent, but the subconscious mind that unhappily goes along for this ride, never stops trying to break through and tell Justin the truth about himself. It’s hard for the subconscious mind to develop normally when everyone tells you how great you are — and then the damage is unfixable.

“Bieber seems to have been experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and the fact that he recently was accused of throwing eggs on his neighbor’s home is very telling indeed. The egging of the house is a sign that the child in Bieber — his inner struggle if you will — is struggling to get out and be normal again, but he can never be normal again. His mother ruined all of that when she plastered this child on YouTube and made him a worldwide sensation. He is the new Judy Garland but his decline into decay is happening much more rapidly than it did in so many child stars who came before him. Child stars who survive their child stardom, usually show that skill at a young age, and child stars who implode usually show their decline at an early age as well.”

Sources close to TheDamienZone,com say that Bieber had fled to Miami under the guise of checking into rehab as a ruse to get the police off his back with relation to drug charges and the egging of his neighbor’s house in Los Angeles.

“Justin has a thing for hardcore rap thugs. If I had to guess I would say that Justin Bieber is on the down low with these types and he can’t deal with his desires for bad boys and drugs and alcohol. I am not sure that this is what’s happening, but it seems pretty obvious to me anyway.” [anonymous - Hollywod, CA USA]   Follow us  @TheDamienZone

Be the first to comment - What do you think?
Posted by Damien - January 23, 2014 at 9:23 am

Categories: Across America, Damien Zone, Featured Across America, Featured Hollywood, Featured Joey Lawrence, Featured World News, Health and Medical, Hollywood, Joey Lawrence, Top Stories, World News   Tags:

HOAX About Dogs Poop North and South Magnetic Fields – HOAX!


Many or most of my readers know by now that I am NOT a fan of the stupid stuff people “share” on Facebook.

If you know anything about me, you should know that I view Facebook as the long-lost, ancestral homeland of the Simpletons — a species of sub intellects who pass along mindless and moronic garbage — and that includes pics of their children and grandchildren, assorted pets, plates of food, their new car, Victorian era screw-you greeting cards and “likes” or “clicks” for babies who need heart transplants  – you know the drill — or maybe you don’t.

Yeah, so I hate stupid Facebook shit, and wouldn’t you know that the newest moronic Facebook share — a hardened turd of info that is now shared by the average Facebook moron — is actually about shit — dog shit. Does it get any dumber?  Yes, it does.

Perhaps you’ve already gotten the “dogs poop north and south story” shared on your wall.  And, the odds are overwhelming that the version you got was shared by some idiot (besides yourself) who you know to be a simple-minded numbskull.

I found it on my Facebook page - six times this week alone.

Yes, I admit to having a Facebook page, but mine exists only as a scientific experiment. My Facebook is there for all the world to see with the hope that it will be that shining star on a hill which will lead morons to that happier place where they can forever share their silly stories and fake celebrity quotes and pictures of food and “click if you like baby heart transplants.”. But— when you drag dog shit into the whole thing, I draw the line.


You might ask, “Why so angry, Damien?” or “How do YOU know it’s not true?”

Firstly, I am not angry. I am never angry. People simply assume that I’m angry.  It’s not true.  I am not even slightly angry.  Also, 1) I do not live in my mom’s basement. 2) I am not “off my meds” and 3) I am not “pathetic” — and I do not need to, 4) “Get a life!“

Save those played-out comments for that old hag Arianna “ I-married-a-gay-politician-to-get-into-the-USA” Huffington. That’s just about her speed. As for me, I am not angry.  Of course I detest Arianna Huffington, but that doesn’t mean I’m angry. It just means I hate that old sack of Hellenistic piece of dog shit — and speaking of dog shit….

I now know all about it and the incredibly stupid stories about dog shit and polar magnetic fields because I asked experts — and nobody gets better experts than I do.

My experts are so informed about everything that one of them even knows all there is to know about dog shit. I doubt that he’s very proud of that fact, but he sure sounds like he is.  Perhaps he always knew that someday his knowledge of dog shit and the shitting dogs who shit out that dog shit would come in handy, and that someday…is today.

“I have seen the stories floating around in social media about a study of dogs and their compass-like process of defecation,” said Dr. Wilhelm Thiess PhD, a retired professor of Zoology and a Companion Animal Behavior Expert.

“This silly thing started with a totally unscientific study which was put out for public consumption by a fringe publication called FRONTIERS IN ZOOLOGY. Whomever wrote that absurd report accommodated his or her own silliness by adding the disclaimer that dogs do not always align their feces according to the magnetic field of the earth. They added that the earth’s magnetic field is sometimes unsteady and the dog will do its business in whichever direction he or she pleases. 

“I was not aware that the earth’s magnetic field is ever unsteady. The reason I was not aware of that fact is because it it’s not a fact at all.  What is indeed a fact, however, is that a dog will pass its feces wherever and whenever and in whichever direction it desires.  Dogs have no bathroom etiquette or geographical coordinates in mind when they defecate unless you count the dogs who are housebroken, and even then there is no magnetic influence on where they drop their fecal load. 

“If you want my unabashed opinion on this, I think the person who fathered this silly story has an OCD problem.  Perhaps this person is not content with the way their dog aligns his fecal matter and they wish it would always point in a certain direction. This person might have some kind of demented moral compass, but a dog’s anus has no compass of any kind.  This is why we have pooper-scooper laws.

“If you ask me, the larger problem would be the people who walk their dogs with garbage bags in their hands with the intent of picking up the feces, but we all know that when no one is around most people will not pick up the feces. The plastic bag is a ruse, and that’s as it should be. Dogs should be allowed to defecate wherever they want and that excrement should be allowed to degrade naturally on a city street or a country road regardless if it’s pointing north, south, east or west.  In Germany, it’s considered to be good luck if you step in it.”

Thank you, Dr. Thiess for your expert opinion.

Now, as much as I hate to ask — please SHARE THIS ARTICLE on your Facebook page. You might be saving a dog from being euthanized by a crazed owner who things there must be something incredibly wrong with their dog who shits in the wrong direction.  Hey, crazier things have happened.

One last thing from a mega Zoologist who also happens to be a popular television and film writer.  You can read more about him here:

“Oh, this dumb thing again?  Listen, dogs walk in small circles when they prepare to poop because they are showing their instinctive behavior of trampling the tall grasses where they would hide from larger predators in the days before they became mankind’s companions. If you watch wild dogs, they make about 5 turns before they excrete feces.  This is the observed behavior that probably led to this stupid hoax.  It’s funny and amusing to some extent, but there is truly no real science behind this story about dogs laying down their feces in a north-south direction. It’s an internet hoax — and it really worked for the hoaxers because so many people have asked me about this in the past few weeks.  Listen, dogs will shit wherever they want.  They have no anal compass.  Good luck dismissing this stupid myth.”

Be the first to comment - What do you think?
Posted by Damien - January 3, 2014 at 8:49 pm

Categories: Across America, Damien Zone, Featured Across America, Featured Hollywood, Featured World News, Health and Medical, Hollywood, Top Stories, World News   Tags:

Mystery of Cruise Ship Virus SOLVED! Scientist Gets Idea Watching Theresa Caputo – The Long Island Medium.

teresa“I thought to myself, ‘How the hell is she going to get all the microorganisms from that ground meat off of her fingernails? How is she going to wash all of those salmonella and E. Coli bacteria out from the crevices of those white claws?”’ [Damien LeGallienne, 22, December, 2013,]

The “Long Island Medium” Theresa Caputo, very recently aired her very fake Christmas 2013 Episode — “fake” because it was filmed last year.

In that VERY SPECIAL FAKE EPISODE of “THE VERY FAKE LONG ISLAND MEDIUM” Theresa engaged in a heart-warming meatball-making contest.

Theresa’s meatballs (no bread crumbs please) were pitted against those made by her master-chef-mother-in-law. It was a spirited competition to be sure, and I think her mother-in-law was named Connie. I also think that Connie, in all probability, takes at least two blood pressure pills per day and she likes to talk about those medications more than she likes talking about her cooking.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Even if the writer is guessing that mom-in-law’s name is Connie and that she takes blood pressure meds, what are the odds that he’s right? Pretty good, wouldn‘t you say?

I acknowledge, quite painfully, that the elite Caputo family is very high-born and refined and that I am not. I am also keenly aware that an Italian-America meatball-making contest out on Long Island, New York is as sporting and highbrow as a polo match in Beverly Hills or a game of cricket at Ascot, England — all are out my league.

Theresa Caputo and her high society family never fail to make me excruciatingly aware of my own humble roots. Sometimes I even lie and tell people that Theresa is my cousin because I want to improve my image and my social standing within my community.

The Caputo’s cause me to get what psychologists call “status anxiety” but yet I watch. I guess it’s a kind of masochism or something. I know I will never reach the top of Mount Caputo. Sadly, I have never been to Center Moriches or Massapequa or Oyster Bay, but I can live vicariously through that wonderful woman who pretends that she can speak to the dead, and who, by the way, eventually beat her mother-in-law in the Italian-American-Christmas-Meatball-Making Contest of 2013 that was actually filmed in the late summer of 2012. Where’d they get all those poinsettias anyway?

All of this is sorta-kinda beside the point, because my real reason for writing this blog entry is to talk about women with overly long acrylic fingernails and the dreaded cruise ship virus that ruins the dream vacations of diarrhea-ers and vomiters who end up quarantined in their poop-stinking cabins.

“The smell of human stool was everywhere on our ship. Even if you went to the highest part of the ship, even to the mast, you could smell the vomit and feces and the overall combination of both fragrances.”[ Elaine Stritch, Broadway stage actress and passenger on a a cruise ship where 50% of the passengers came down with the cruise ship illness.]

So I think I may have made an incredibly giant scientific discovery, and I have no one to thank but Theresa Caputo and her meat-stinking fingernails for this serendipitous insight into a scientific mystery.

I remember as kid learning about a scientist — a chemist named Frederic August Kekule — who figured out the molecular structure of the chemical benzene. For many years the chemical was used and made and experimented with, but nobody could figure out its molecular structure.

Kekule said that he made his discovery whilst dreaming about a snake biting its own tail, and today we now know all about the very important “benzene ring.” Ironically, Kekule and I both ventured into the unknown world of spirits and dreams, and we both came up with fantastic scientific discoveries that will change the world.

Here’s the thing. While Theresa was making her meatballs, I noticed that her acrylic nails were very long and disgusting. She was mixing ground pork, veal, beef and eggs with her bare hands — and those nails.

I thought to myself, “How the hell is she going to get all the microorganisms from that ground meat off of her fingernails? How is she going to wash all of those salmonella and E. Coli bacteria out from the crevices of those white claws? She may have won the meatball-making contest, but she had no chance of winning the war on diarrhea.

Certainly Theresa Caputo must take great pride in her gaudy talons, and there is no way on earth that she is about to wash her hands very thoroughly — as per cruise ship regulations — simply because her manicure is obviously more important to her than causing her dinner guests to shit their brains out and puke on the side of the Long Island Expressway after a meal at her home.

Naturally, the more loathsome consequences of Theresa’s unsanitary nails got me to thinking, “How does Theresa Caputo wipe her ass with nails like that?” Then I realized that even though she might wash her hands after pooping, she can’t possibly scrub her nails too. She’s not going to ruin her manicure — no shot.

Then I connected the dots. I figured out how the cruise ship virus — Norwalk Virus or norovirus — is spread. I know how it happens. The answer was right there on the tips of our fingers. Well, maybe not “our” fingers, but the fingers of women with long acrylic nails who cannot possibly wipe their asses properly and who must also not WASH those nails which get coated with a gentle smearing of feces and stool and poop.

And then…THEN THEY TOUCH SOMETHING….and you touch it. Then you touch something else, and before you know it, everybody is shitting and puking and moaning and groaning. The vacation is ruined. Those afflicted are quarantined to their cabins while the poopy-fingernail women lounge by the pool drinking a Pina Colada — unaware, or perhaps not even caring, that their long acrylic nails harbor grave dangers — million and billions of microbes that came out in their poop.

I talked to one physician about my idea.  He sat and stared at me in astonishment.  At first I thought he was going to say that I was insane, but then he hugged me and said that I was a genius.   Here is is his statement. teresa1

“Women with long, acrylic or even natural fingernails, cannot possibly clean their anuses properly after they pass stool because the toilet paper must be held with the nail tips. Most women fear breaking or chipping these nails because they have spent a great deal of money at the nail salon before going on the cruise. Naturally feces gets on and in the fingernails.

“Unless a women is pre-prepared with any of the various rectal cleansing foams or creams, or she is very diligent about washing her hands and scrubbing her nails, the norovirus is spread as soon as they leave the restroom. I know of no woman with nails like that who would sacrifice the nail for the sanitization.

“This selfish and unsanitary behavior readily spreads the dreaded Cruise Ship Virus, and in my opinion, women with long acrylic nails should not be allowed on a cruise ship. I have seen women with these kinds of nails who intentionally avoid the alcohol hand sanitizers offered all over the cruise ship. The alcohol in the hand sanitizer ruins their nails, and most of the time these self-centered and provincially vain women are headed into one of the ship’s restaurants where they will readily spread their stool (feces), which lives on those nails, onto everything they touch.”

Dr. Traherne continued:

“Damien LeGallienne‘s hypothesis, while written in a seemingly lighthearted and snarky manner, appears to be very viable and worthy of immediate investigation and research.

“If I were a betting man, and far less prone to speaking and thinking like a scientist and a physician, I would say that Damien LeGallienne has made a great discovery.  His theory, something which was gleaned from simply watching an Italian-American psychic mix raw meat with bare hands which were decorated with long, white, acrylic nails, will prove to be the reason the norovirus spreads so readily on a cruise ship.  It’s been the long, painted  and feces tainted fingernails all along. How could we have missed that?  It was literally right at our fingertips.” [Dr. Dean Traherne MD, Plum Island Norovirus Research Center.]

Lesson learned, folks? Women with long, acrylic nails, should not be making meatballs with their bare hands, even when they are not making food.   When they poop, these women should always use rectal cleansing foams or creams.  Also, they should thoroughly wash and scrub those nails even if doing so results in damage to the nails.  Furthermore, I urge all  travelers and the people who love them, to write to your Congressman and ask thim or her to prepare a law that will ban women with these shit-covered fingernails from EVER getting on a plane or a cruise ship. They are spreading human feces all over the world.

Damien LeGallienne reporting for


Be the first to comment - What do you think?
Posted by Damien - December 23, 2013 at 2:20 am

Categories: Across America, Damien Zone, Featured Across America, Featured Hollywood, Featured World News, Health and Medical, Hollywood, Top Stories, World News   Tags:

Dave Muscato’s Atheist Anti-Christmas Billboard in Times Square.


 “You would have to be a mentally sick, and self-loathing demented individual to be the guy behind the hateful atheist billboard in Times Square. 

“It’s one thing to not believe in god, but it becomes something totally different when you make it your life’s work.  It’s a kind of perversion.  This kind of sick devotion to any one thing is unnatural.  It’s as unnatural as can be.

“There is nothing wrong with being an atheist. It’s actually quite normal to not believe in a higher power. but when you make it your career, there is something seriously wrong somewhere.  That kind of overt atheism is almost always the hallmark of unhappiness or some deeper issues.  Some doctors have called this the “Misfit Syndrome” and it explains a great deal of strange and  childishly mischievous anti-social behaviour.

“This is why Dave Muscato cannot be normal or anywhere near close to normal in his mind.  He is in my opinion a sick person.   He is intentionally trying to draw attention to himself because something else is seriously wrong with his life and his sense of self.  I don’t think it’s possible to be less interesting or lowlier than this pitiful creature.”

“In the case of Dave Muscato, all you have to do is look at him to understand why he hates god enough to make atheism his raison d’etre.  He is ugly in every way a person can be ugly.  He is a monster.  His own parents must want to slit their wrists when they see and hear this monster they’ve created.  Nobody could be proud of this.  It’s not possible.  Dave Muscato is somebody’s cross — if you’ll pardon the expression.

“If there is any justice in the universe, Dave’s parents are either dead –  spared from the humiliation of having a son such as Dave —  or they gave this guy up for adoption when he was born– which was right about the time he started getting hopelessly ugly and spitefully cruel.” [Damien LeGallienne 13 December, 2013]

Dave Muscato, an avowed atheist and Public Relations Director for American Atheists (sick people who hate openly on Christian beliefs because Muslims would kill them in 10 minutes) should seek treatment for his Cushing’s Syndrome or whatever it is that is causing his severe mental illness.  He is truly sick and cruel.  He is a waste of life.  He’s a monster — unstoppable because he has no shame and no conscience — none.  What kind of twisted mind would find pleasure or principle in dismissing the religious beliefs of other people simply to get attention?  Would this slob have the balls ( if you could find them) to say such a thing about the religious observations of Muslims?   Of course not.  He is a big, fat coward.  He’d piss himself.

“If Dave Muscato were an attractive man, he would not take such pleasure in pissing on the beliefs of others.  Believe me, I am no church-goer, but my basic instincts tell me that he’s out of his mind – delusional to some extent.  It’s not so hard for me as psychiatrist to dismiss all of this childish and michievous behaviour simply based on the fact that this man is unhappy and lonely.  You really need not look any deeper medically, but were I hard put for an instant diagnosis I would say he has signs of Cushing’s — one form or another.  I would start there — looking for a physical illness and then perhaps venture into his mind.  My best guess is that his entire personality and appearance can be explained with a few well-placed CT scans.” [Phyllis James MD Phd, London, England.]

Go ahead and call me childish for calling him names and quoting people who think he’s more than just a kooky atheist. This is what he and the people he represents deserve. I am merely copying him and his flock. Their billboard in Times Square is childish and stupid and my response to it is on the same level.atheist

The Damien Zone thinks that this fat, grotesquely ugly, disgusting-looking, fat turd is the most vile, cruel, stupid, silly, unhappy, miserable fat slob turd-sucking,  piece of shit on the face of the earth.  How about that, Dr. James?

“If a medical doctor can easily determine that Dave Muscato’s quest in life could possibly be part and parcel of his physical ugliness, how easy must it be for all of us humble observers to simply dismiss him as an ugly asshole?” [Elise LeFevre, Liege, Belgium]

Perhaps Dave Muscato is actually “sick” in his brain. Maybe he has an organic brain disease like Cushing’s Disease/Syndrome (he has the facial features of someone with that disease) or else he has a brain tumour that causes strange behaviour.

“Cushing’s Disease or Cushing’s Syndrome are manifestations of the same basic imbalance of the hormone cortisol and cortisol stimulating pre-hormones.  The signs and symptoms of the ‘syndrome’ are caused by either a pituitary tumour or an adrenal gland tumour.  In either case, the symptoms are the same and Dave Muscato certainly has the body shape and the facial manifestations of the syndrome.   He has what we call “moon facies” which means the weight gain in his face is not the kind of facial fat one associates with normal obesity.  This doesn’t mean Dave Muscato has this disease, but he has signs, and that’s instantly what would jump into the thought process of any competent physician. 

“Sometimes, when there is a significant amount of abnormal mental behaviour and anger and resentment which is accompanied by truncal obesity ( bulging stomach) and moon facies, the cause is an ectopic ( outside the adrenal or pituitary)  malignant tumor that is hidden for years and grows otherwise quietly until it’s too late. 

“The patient is assumes that he or she is simply gaining weight in their abdomen and face and  they believe that they are behaving normally.  Usually, it is a family member who sees the behavioural disturbances and the strange distribution of fat and seeks help for those afflicted. 

“This weight gain and round facial fat and mental anguish can go on for many years, but an ectopic source – lungs, kidney, colon, etc.,  is a serious and almost always a deadly malignancy that has festered for a long time.”  

“These hidden tumours hide in body and secrete a hormone called ACTH.  Cushing’s is usually identified by a myriad of symptoms — chief among them being a condition called “moon facies” ( moon face) and more often we find many mental illnesses manifesting in various degrees.  Anger and frustration and even frank psychosis are factors inherent to a diagnosis of Cushing’s.  I can usually tell a Cushing’s patient as soon as one comes before me, but sometimes I am fooled and the patient is actually suffering from any number of mental illnesses.  It’s the round face, sweatiness, hairy body and bald head and the constant and angry indignation that usually slams the lid on it for me.  Usually a person has been through that kind of testing before they come to me, but sometimes it’s the other way around.”

Maybe —  and this is the saddest part of all — Dave Muscato isn’t sick with any deadly disease.  Maybe he is simply the most grotesque human being on the face of the earth because he hates himself so much that he welcomes any attention — even hatred — and none of this has anything to do with his “moon facies” or “truncal obesity” or the other possibilities of physiological diseases that affect the mind.

In my opinion, Dave Muscato is ugly beyond all human comprehension — more on the inside than on the outside.  The outside is unbearably ugly, so saying that he is even uglier on the inside, is really a stretch.

There are no other other possible explanations for this homely and balloon-faced, ugly man-child who thinks that getting on Fox News –behaving and boasting like a neurotic child — is an achievement.  This is NOT an achievement.  It’s his very own burlap monkey from which he can suckle so as to make up for all the things he was unable to achieve in real life.  It’s play acting layered over some kind of arrested development.

By the way, if you didn’t already know, Dave Muscato is the guy behind the posting of the Take Christ Out of Christmas billboard that is disgracing Time’s Square, and Dave “doesn’t care if you are offended by his billboard.”

“What purpose does the billboard serve?  If you don’t believe in god, or Christ or Christmas, what’s the deal?  How can you defame something that does not exist?  Dave Muscato doesn’t understand that very simple fact because he’s not only fat and ugly, he’s stupid and bitchy too.  How lonely and attention starved is this grotesque queen?   I cannot imagine the solitude and loneliness of this sack of shit — this enormously unfuckable lump of unhappiness and excess adipose tissue.”  [Carole Montrache, Phd Skylight Institute.]

Let me tell you what I think about this fat unhappy pig man – this moon faced, ugly, bald, unhappy scum bag.

He was always ugly within, and because he was always the outwardly ugly guy everywhere he went, he learned to hate himself because he is grotesque to look at.  Then, he took that self-hatred and turned it even more inward.   When he had eaten away at his inner self, he turned that same hatred and pointed it at NORMAL people, or people who are considered to be “normal.”   This is why he taunts people.  When I was a child I was told,  ‘C’est L’hstoire d’un tyran,’ or this is the story of a bully.”

The more Dave Muscato moves forward with his hatred of god or faith or anything “wholesome” besides a third helping of mashed potatoes, the more he hopes to become attractive.  But he will always fail.  He will never attract what he really wants to attract.  He will always be rejected.  It’s pretty sad. 

Furthermore, ‘il vit dans une profonde tristesse et c’est sa vie,’ is what I say.   He lives in a deep sadness and such is his life.

Dave Muscato never could draw anyone toward him in real life during his formative years, so now he tries to do it by shocking and taunting people.  He is forever living in that awful playground where he was a fat and ugly kid who had this inner, hateful monster who was waiting to emerge.  He is forever the young guy in the bar who couldn’t get a date or a hook up.  He’s always the fat guy in the back of the picture.  The smile is forced and unwanted.  People wish they could erase him from the photo.

In spite of his ugliness and fatness and moon face, I wouldn’t even spit on this guy, but he is a monster on the inside and GOD or DNA or ALIENS FROM SPACE or KARMA has brought that all to the surface.  Now he is FUGLY all over.  If he were a hot guy, he wouldn’t have to behave like the miserably horrific and loathsome queen that he seems to be.

You see now?  You see how simple everything really is when you boil it down to its basic elements?

Damien LeGallienne reporting for  Brussels, Belgium.  



6 comments - What do you think?
Posted by Damien - December 13, 2013 at 9:41 pm

Categories: Across America, Damien Zone, Featured Across America, Featured Politics, Featured World News, Politics, Top Stories, World News   Tags:

« Previous PageNext Page »