“There is no creature quite so loathsome as the American hipster. They are rude, unknowing, ill-manered and intolerant urban rednecks. They are the He-Haws of the Manhattan Mountains.” [Damien LeGallienne]
It’s possible, however, that European hipsters might be much worse, but we can at least thank the Euro-hip for their elitism. They hate American hipsters enough for all of us.
It’s always best to remember that the enemy of my enemy is my friend, and so, for the purposes of this blog entry, it is best to either ignore the Euro-hipster or to simply substitute ingredients.
A hipster is a hipster is a hipster, so the advice offered herein is just as valid in New York as it is in London.
So what are the basics?
Okay — Hipsters are people you sometimes are forced into knowing through a mutual friend. They’re uninteresting strange little monsters who intentionally make non-hipsters feel uncomfortable and unknowing — and un-hip.
They are the ultimate impostors who pretend to like obscure music or theater or un-fashion or anything that would bind them to the ordinary world, when in fact that they are about as ORDINARY as a mosquito bite on a camping trip.
The imagined “unique” tastes of the hipster are annoyingly esoteric, and you’re left standing there wondering why you, “never heard of that band” or why you “don’t know anything about Hungarian cinema.” Don’t let that bother you. If you see hipsters as lonely and sad misfits, you’re already headed in the right direction.
Hipsters try to live in hip areas (high rent shitholes) but usually they’re rich brats who don’t have two nickels of their own to rub together — and they NEVER PICK UP A CHECK. They are the most annoying and most uninspired morons on the face of the American landscape. They are urban rednecks — but don’t you dare tell them. If they had to face the truth about themselves, it would destroy them.
Fret not hipster hater, because there is not one creature on earth so easily defeated in conversation than the American Hipster. You just need some pointers.
Okay, so your old best friend moved to a hipster address in NYC and you have to either start associating with his new hipster friends or opt out of the friendship. Initially you might feel like opting out because the hipsters make you feel unworthy. As far as people go, hipsters are thoroughly unlikable and sickening — but remember, you’re not like them — you’re better — you’re normal.
If you intentionally avoid the hipster — and let’s think of the hipster as a species of sub-human — they will win. Don’t let that happen because hipsters are so easy to shoot down socially and conversationally that it should be made into an Olympic event.
Remember that the hipster does not want you around — unless you’re paying for drinks. If you lose your temper and cave in, you’re giving the hipster a joyous “hipster moment” where they can put another notch in their hipster holster of un-hip people they have pushed away.
The hipster as a sub-species can only function happily in a world full of other hipsters. They feed off of each other’s sub-intellectually stimulating dumbness, so therefore the hipster-ism in certain circles will keep accumulating until it reaches critical mass, and there can’t be anything more boring or uninteresting than a swarm of hipsters on the edge of implosion.
IMPORTANT!!! Know to recognize and discern the difference between the true hipster and the aging hipster-adjacent 40-somethings. Don’t take our word for it. Take a look at some old photos of “Woodstock” and note the older people in the crowd of long-haired teens back in 1969. They were pretty pathetic, right? Sadder still is the fact that their modern day counterparts are even more pathetic. You do not need to deal — no matter how old you are — with the hipster-adjacent oldsters, but the same rules (listed below) will apply anyway if you are forced into their company for whatever god-awful reason you can conjure up.
Here is a list of super-duper rules on how to always beat the hipster at his game. Play close attention and never waver in your quest to either tolerate hipsters or to conquer them when they are forced upon you.
1) You have to know the psychology here. The only person a hipsters hates more than you is him or herself. The only life he hates more than your life is his own. The hipster hates you for the thing you are and he hates himself for what he’s not.
The very nature of the hipster-subconsious is rooted in self-loathing. They hate themselves, so they deflect that self-hatred by pretending to hate anything that threatens them or reminds them about why they hate themselves.
Think of a guy who cannot read or write. How does that illiterate guy cope in world full of readers and writers? Well, a normal illiterate would complain about poor eyesight or that he “forgot his glasses” –any excuse to keep from reading in front of people. The self-loathing hipster, however, will pretend that books are stupid and that the people who read them are even more stupid. The illiterate hipster –assuming there are a few — will express a disdain for books — unless of course they are hipster books with “awesome photos, dude.”
If you understand that analogy, you’ve already come a long way in learning how to deal with a hipster. Remember — THE HIPSTER HATES HIMSELF — but you probably don’t — and that’s your giant leg up on these idiots.
2) MORE IMPORTANT! Stare the hipster down while speaking to him quietly and as respectfully as possible. Hipsters almost always avoid eye-contact. Unless they are drunk or high, eye contact is the hipster’s Kryptonite. This is part and parcel to their low self-esteem and self-loathing. If you speak about anything to a hipster, be mindful to maintain eye contact at all costs. If you look directly at the hipster — eye to eye — when he is talking about his atheism or some other useless subject, he will not be able to deal with the fact that you maintain eye-contact.
Regardless of the subject, eye contact enables you to you rise above the mindlessnesss of the conversation and you come across as an unbeatable entity. This isn’t to say that you should stare at the hapless hipster like a mad man, but pay attention with your eyes and your body language as though you are a politician listening to one of his constituents. You’d be amazed at how easy it is to defeat a hipster with the self-confidence that emanates from a person who makes comfortable eye contact when they speak. It makes you look sophisticated in a high born kind of way, and there is no hipster on earth who can deal with that.
Of course there is no substitute for true knowledge and the ability to express that knowledge, but it doesn’t really matter. Even if you were to reveal the secrets of the universe to the hipster, he would not pay attention or appreciate your input.
3) Hipsters can only feed off of other hipsters. As a rule all hipsters are misfits but not all misfits are hipsters, so be mindful not to confuse the two.
Don’t assume that the folks at OCCUPY WALL STREET were all hipsters. Although a lot of hipsters injected themselves in to that whole thing, the “occupy” people fit more neatly into the overall MISFIT category. Strangely enough, the average hipster eventually saw the occupy movement as un-hip. In other words, the hipster often gets too hip for himself, and therefore very few long lasting relationships with any social issues or even other people can be forged in their world.
4) The average hipster is not socially adroit, but you are — or you can learn to be — so again, you’ve already won. The trick, however, is to make it apparent to the hipster that you have a great personality and social skills — even if you aren’t the brightest bulb in the socket.
It helps to study about opera and art and music — but not the hipster variety. Educate yourself just enough about the classics so that you can try to initiate a conversation if the occasion should arrive. If you happen to run into a hipster who is knowledgeable in those areas, remember to understand that he has already dismissed them as meaningless. Just let him talk while you just nod every now and then. If a hipster asks you what you’re listening to in your ear buds, watch him slink away when you say, “I am listening to Vissi D’arte from ‘Tosca’ — it’s one of my favorites. Are you familiar with it?” When they say they aren’t, put on your best disappointed face.
5) The hipster is defenseless when an intruder comes along who knows and speaks openly and intelligently about opera or theater or classic cinema. The average hipster cannot reference much of anything outside of their small hipster world. The hipster might know the name of an obscure jazz artist who plays to tiny crowds in Greenwich Village — and look at you like you’re an idiot for not knowing that person — but they won’t know what you’re talking about if you reference great jazz artists or Big Band legends from the past who emerged from The Village.
If the hipster continues with his “betterness” you might want to reference an opera like La Boheme and say something like, “You would like La Boheme. It’s a story that depicts a life very similar to yours.” You can add a few compliments, but why bother? You’re dealing with someone who will not be listening to you. Instead, he will be listening to his own inner turmoil for not knowing what the heck you’re talking about.
6) Dress your best without going crazy about it. Hipsters do not wear clothes. They think they do, but they don’t. They wear costumes. Take a look at the clothing of the average hipster and note the similarity, The hipster wears two costumes. One costume is for dress-up for cocktails and the other costume is for hanging out. Regardless of their clothing du jour, a hipster often has low cleanliness — and sometimes even body odor.
Yes, that sounds very silly to say, but that’s the new thing — “low cleanliness” and they’re proud of it. There is however, nothing cool about being dirty and smelly. If you dress really well — even if you’re on a budget — you will disarm the hipster. If you wear a Christian Dior shirt and they take you up on that shirt, lie about it. Lie about everything. Tell them you got it as a gift from a girl you dated when you spent the summer in Cannes a few years ago. Of course you will have to read up on Cannes so you can drop a few names and locations, but it’ll be worth it. You can lie to hipsters about EVERYTHING but you have to be careful to never get caught. They already feel bad enough about themselves so rub a little vinegar into their festering wounds with stories of your wealth and adventure. If your clothes are high quality and you look nothing like the hipsters in your midst, you are the winner. Never apologize for your high brow tastes — do not say something like “Oh this old thing.”
7) Unless you’re gay, please ignore all gay hipsters as being hipsters per se. Gay hipsters are living in a complete fog and they know nothing about anything in the sickening world of real hipster-ism. This is not a homophobic slur — on the contrary — the young gay hipsters have done a great job of cloning the straight hipster, but the the whole gay hipster thing is imaginary and these guys are as dumb as a rock. Their lives are lived on Grindr and Adam4Adam and they really don’t have anything to offer — unless you’re gay and you find one you like — physically. If you are gay, the gay hipster will either like you or not because their hipster-ism is not based in self-hatred. It’s just a fashion statement they use to get from Club A to Club B. For the most part the gay hipster is a lame brain — but who cares? The world will always need bitchy retail clerks, right?
Conclusion: There is nothing worse than having to deal on any level with a hipster crowd. Maybe your sister is dating one or your school is full of them — don’t cave in and try to be one of them. If you are a hipster or wanting to be one, you would not be reading this essay about how to deal with hipsters.
REMEMBER! Educate yourself on the classics — learn a lot about a few great operas. Read at least one Philip Roth and Charles Dickens book and avoid any conversations about politics or religion unless you can simply ask then for THEIR opinions and while you listen you MAINTAIN CONSTANT EYE CONTACT. That was rule #2 and it’s the best rule to know — even if you forget all the others.
Special feature for The Damien Zone by: Damien LeGallienne.
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