She’s the Democratic U.S. Senate candidate in Massachusetts, a consumer advocate, Harvard law professor and, she’d be proud to tell you, a grandmother. What she is most proud to say, however, is that she is descended from Apache warriors who once ruled the plains of North America. She’s full of shit, but let’s play along and see where we get.
“Squaw Warren, as she prefers to be called, says her people were rulers of America before the evil white man came and ruined their great culture” said a Warren staff member, Hungry Like The Wolf Duran at a speech honoring this great woman of color.
“Elizabeth’s ancestors were so great that they didn’t have any need for a written language or a wheel or an arch. They were proud of their primitive ways and lack of wit. They knew that someday — someday when they could live on crime-infested reservations, they could drink themselves into a stupor and make money selling pictures of wolves against the moon and little feathery things that some hippie would call ‘dream catchers’ and they could sell them to lesbians and white trash as great art and objects of cultural sensitivity.”
Elizabeth Warren in indeed a warrior and she is waging a war against the evil white man because the President needs her to show his diversity and love for women of color even if they are full of shit like Elizabeth Warren.
“I try to hide my Native American heritage in the white man’s world,” said Cadillac North Star, a close associate of Elizabeth Warren, and a student at a major Indian University — which is now called Indiana State University.
“I am majoring in Cherokee People, Cherokee Tribe, So Proud to Live, So Proud to Die, Studies at the campus in Indianapolis. Currently I have a 2.1 GPA which qualifies me for more honor credits and grants. and I aced my course in Feather Identification and that’s a very tough course.
“I was not accepted in to this University at first because I flunked out of my white man’s high school where they expected me to learn white things like numbers and letters and writing when in my culture I was at the age when I should be learning how to be a wise Indian squaw in touch with nature and all-knowing of wolf culture and having spiritual contact with owls and hawks.”
“One day a white man’s instructor told me to check off the box to show I was a Native American and suddenly I was in all the best classes with all the money I would ever need for school and living. I am allotted a lot of money for beer and hard booze and I share that happily with my family. I admit that I am not so generous with my cigarettes and drugs, but I guess I have to have some degree of selfishness. It’s part of being in touch with nature. I remember my grandfather, before he died from alcoholic liver failure and alcoholism and lung cancer in our double wide, told me, ‘Even the mighty oak that hovers over the spirits of our wold and coyote ancestors, uses it’s own acorns to live.’ I never forgot that.”
This semester Cadillac Northstar is taking the following courses that are offered for her major.
1) Campfire Storytelling. This course teaches the students how to add flavor and color to their fake stories about the gods and spirits of ancient warriors and kings. The best grade you can get in this is a “B” for BEST BULLSHITTER. The final test permits evil white people to sit around a campfire with a wise American Native student and watch the tears well up in the eyes of the storyteller. Any student who gets a white evil man to cry, Gets a B+ and wins a $50.00 gift certificate from a bail bond store of their choice.
2) Dream Catcher Marketing. This course teaches students how to make dream catchers from cheap junk they can find in craft stores and sometimes even along the side of the road. There is no grade for this course, because art is spiritual and one man’s beauty is another man’s tranquil spirit.
3) Ancestral Tracing 101: This course teaches students how to search public records to lay claim to Native American heritage – no matter how minuscule. If the student cannot read, they are permitted to meditate over stones or crystals and conjure up the thoughts of dead ancestors by which they can prove they are Native Americans.
Each of these courses happen ever semester and once a student has taken each course 4 times, they are awarded a PhD in Native American studies. Each year they have a huge graduation ceremony and last year only 7 students died from alchohol poisoning and drug overdose.
“Thanks to Squaw Warren, I am nw full time student and if she gets more power from the white man, this is the future of education in the USA. I am now a wise owl,” said Cadillac North Star.