North Korea, the country with no electric lights, publicly declared the incredibly homely heir Kim Jong Un its supreme leader at a huge rally on Thursday in Pyongyang that culminated with his ascent to the top of the hermetic Communist nation after nearly two weeks of national mourning for his father and the completion of a penis enlargement surgery on the young leader that took 12 surgeons 22 hours to complete.

Korean surgeons, working by the candlelight that they can afford in the evening worked feverishly to enlarge the younger Kim Jong’s penis to a length of 22 inches, making it the largest communist penis on the face of the earth.

“My father wrote six operas and his penis was 20 inches long,” said the Kim Jong Un from his recovery room.  “I am not trying to be better than my father, but I wish the people of North Korea to have a leader with the largest penis.  I went to Harlem to get my haircut and I was amazed at the penises I saw there.  Now I am bigger than any bro in the evil USA. I will still buy hair product from the USA, but that is not a sign that I am weak.”

A crowd of tens of thousands, most of them uniformed soldiers, packed the plaza to see the newly enlarged penis before it gets stuffed inside the shapeless pants which do nothing to enhance the shapeless body of Kim Jong Un— named after Mr. Kim’s grandfather, the North’s founding president, Kim Il-sung — and those gathered swore their allegiance to the dynastic transfer of power. The event, a memorial service for Kim Jong-il, who died on Dec. 17, capped 13 days of mourning and introduced the era of his son.

Doctor’s are preparing a second operation to shrink Kim Jong Un’s huge round face.

“If we shrink his face, it will make his penis seem even larger,” said a surgeon who was 4-feet 3- inches tall and starving to death.

Now that he is dead as a doornail, it can be revealed that Korean dictator Kim Jon Il used to be a live action sex webcam guy.  He went under the name of VellyVellyHungGuy or Kim Jong the Dong, and he was available for private  online screenings for $100.00 per minute on a website called HuskyAsianDaddies.com — they accepted Visa or Mastercard.

“I remember once that I found him on a really sexy website for huskey Asian dudes and I knew he was the man for me,” said Lance MacGregor- Burtonne on Cargill-on-Firth, Scotland.

“He had great flabby pecs and sagging abs and I go for those kinds of  Asians.  Now that he is dead I don’t know what I will do.  He was a fine laddie and a great sex machine.”

Korean leaders are saying that not only did Kim Jong Il write 6 operas and swim across the Pacific Ocean, but he holds the record for the most online paid-for masturbations in history with a one day total of 20 orgasms and 3 quarts of seminal fluid.

“He was velly frunctional as online plostitute and on-rine sex machine.  He had pee-po flum all over the whirl paying for opportunilly to have on-rine sex rith him,” said a well-spoke North Korean actor who often did twosomes with Kim Jong “The Dong” IL.

There’s an old saying:  If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Somebody ought to have told that to the retarded folks at YouTube – the site that used to be fun and interesting but has been recently been revamped to look like shit.

The new YouTube sucks and the reason why is sucks is very simple:  IT IS NO LONGER EASY TO USE!   They took a perfectly good website and made it a complete mess.  In my opinion, the changes made by YouTube are far more annoying than the changes made by Facebook.

Why do websites have to change and update and revamp?  Do the people who design them and run them get sick of looking at them so much that they have to totally alienate their users?

The NEW YouTube is awful — and there’s something else besides the fact that EVERYTHING now has a commercial or an advertisement.

I am calling for a boycott on music made by musicians from the 1970s and 80s  — allow me to explain.   Say you bought an Elton John album in the 1973 — and then you bought the same exact album as a cassette tape in 1983 — and then you bought the same exact album as a CD in 1993 — and then you bought the same exact album as an MP3 file in 2003 — and then you bought the same exact album for your iPhone or iShit or iPenis in 2010.  How the f**k many times do you have to give Elton John your F***ING money for the same shittin’ songs?  Why should you have to sit through a 30 second Pine-Sol commercial with that fat Hawaiian lady and her filthy floors, just to listen to a song you’ve already paid for 6 times or more?

It is to be noted that Elton is the lesser of the offenders.  Broke-ass douche bags like Ozzie Osbourne and Led Zeppelin are the worst offenders.  And get this!!!!  A lot of stuff is “NOT AVAILABLE IN YOUR COUNTRY” — the country is the USA of course — these Brits block YouTube views by Americans — WTF?   They will allow their own people to watch it, but the stupid Americans who made them rich and famous are suckers who can’t watch it — because Americans are the generous dopes who will pay all over again.

I say — unless you are going to upload your own stuff ( which is what YouTUbe was supposed to be designed for) You should NOT use YouTube — boycott all songs.  The site sucks — it used to be good — now it sucks ass.

A lot of ordinary people throughout the USA — people who understand the danger of nuclear power in the wrong hands — are wondering why Russia is siding with Iran in its attempt to escalate its plutonium enrichment programs. 

People ask, “Why would a country so close to a country that’s run by a crazy man, not be fearful of what he would do with a nuclear weapon were he to get one?”

The answer is very simple — Russians (and pretty much all former Soviets) are assholes — always have been — always will be,  They are the most obnoxious people on the face of the earth, and all one needs to do is take a look at the ones who have come to the USA.  They are, as a rule, rude, sneaky and contrarian.  They always have to make an argument where there is none — they have no manners.  They are boorish and grizzly and stupid — except when it comes to figuring out how to milk entitlement programs. 

Does that sound bigoted and uninformed?   If it does I suggest you stop reading, because I get nastier.

It’s an old case of being careful what you wish for. 

The USA wished for the fall of the Soviet Union.  Well,  we got that, and we also got the poison of former Soviets rushing to America to sell their crap in their crappy jewelry and furniture and carpet stores and cellphones – and whatever other inferior JUNK they can sell before they close up shop and start all over again eslewhere. They are  people who were bred to be misfits.  They had 80 years to become Barbarians — and they made the most of it.

But anyway, getting back to the the Iran thing:

Russians love to see the USA get screwed because in their arrogance and stupid, loud, pompous grotesqueness, they don’t think about what might happen to them.  Of course The Iranian regime will admire the Soviets ( yes that’s what they still are in my book ) and they will kiss up to them in favor of destroying the USA — the imagined great satan.  They will always help the enemy because it makes them feel important.  

Russians are even worse than French — although in this case, the French are siding with the American stance because they are scared shitless that they’ll get nuked.  Rest assured that when nuclear warheads are indeed produced in Iran, the French will do a 180 and side with Iran — you can bank on that.  Right now they’re hoping that the USA — a country they all secretly despise out of nothing more than jealousy and an antiquated sense that they are a great people — will bail them out.  They will ride the fence until they see who is winning — that’s the way they’ve always been.  Any brave blood the French once had was wiped off the map in World War 1 when the best of their male lineage was killed off — now what’ve they got? 

It’s sad to see what is happening in the world — and you can rest assured that there will be a nuclear conflict of some sort within the next 10 years.   I project a global situation where the decision will be made by a few western countries that much of the middle east will have to be obliterated. 

And what if that does not happen? Well, when your kids are irradiated or turned into shadows, you can thank the Russians for something they did back in 2011 — when they put a stumbling block in front of US policy to put an end to Iranian nuclear proliferation.  

They do this for no reason other than what I have already told you — they are pompous, drunk, stupid, loud, backward and annoying assholes — just like the carpet-bagging  ones who live in the USA and Europe now.  Don’t be fooled by the kindly shop ownber who sells you something and pats you with the words, “I see you again, my flend (friend)”

Why do you call a new conference when all you are going to do is reaffirm the results of an investigation that was concluded 30 years ago?  That’s what the cops in Los Angeles just did — how fucking stupid — are the cops in on a publicity stunt?  It would not surpriose me.  

This capatin of the ship is looking to sell a book or something and the police are suckers for falling for this.  

So Robert Wagner and Natalie Wood had a fight on the boat – big deal!  She got mad — she was drunk and she tried to take the dinghy back to shore because she was all screwed up.

This investigation will go nowhere and it’s all hype to cash in on a book and the 30 year anniversary.  This cop who headed the press confereence is a tool of  the highest order!

(Foreign Press: Ukraine)  He used to be the most valuable cat in the world and just last year one frozen ampule of his semen was worth upwards of $10,000 — making him the most valuable cat in the world, but today, at a mere 7-years-old, poor Voyko Donko-Svetaslav-Shenko, or ”Svet” as  his owners lovingly call him, is washed up.  After hundreds of veterinary tests and treatments, it has been determined that Svet is permanently sterile and unable to father kittens.

“We got used to living very well because of his value,” said his owner, a cat lover and sculptor, Svetlana Shenko, 78, through an interpreter from the small town of Kovel in northwestern Ukraine where she and her husband Olech have been living since their marriage over 60 years ago.

“Now that he is unable to sire offspring, we will have to live more modestly.  My husband and I recently called off our winter vacation in the Canary Islands because the money is not coming in like it used to but construction on our home in Cannes is nearly finished.

“Even Svet himself lives more modestly, continued Mrs. Shenko. 

“He used to spend all his time in our home under the constant eyes of a caretaker and an insurance man who came to check him once a week, but now he is allowed to roam around the garden and the nearby meadow just like any other cat.  He seems happier now than when he was an internationally celebrated breeding male, but we miss the money.  I must admit that.”

Svet’s value comes from the fact that he is the rarest of the rare as far as cat fanciers are concerned.  He is a purely bred direct descendant of a family of felines called Les Polonaises Peritskas or The Polish Peritska Cat. 

The slate gray breed was always scarce and only belonged to royalty or the Polish Catholic Church, but their numbers dropped to near zero when just about all of them were wiped out during World War II. Poland was overrun by the Nazis who used to shoot the naturally friendly cats whenever they approached. 

“Svet’s kind are a very friendly and highly intelligent breed,” said Mrs. Shenko. “They had no fear of gunfire or strangers and they would often try to befriend the Nazi occupiers.  They behave more like loving dogs than aloof cats.  This did not sit well when Nazi officers found out that some soldiers were sharing food rations with the friendly cats. 

Since the breed in its pure form was only found in one small part of Poland where the Nazis had set up a communication post, one General ordered all the cats to be shot on sight.  This wiped out more than 95% of the Peritskas.”

Svet’s extreme value comes from the fact that he is one of a very few remaining Polish Peritskas, but more importantly, he is of absolute pure blood — and nobody knows how he came to be.  Since he is only 7-years-old, it is assumed that his parents are still living, but a thorough search by the ICS, International Cat Society, and the offer of a $5,000 reward turned up nothing.  

“Svet is steel or slate gray and has four white feet and a white chest,” said Mrs. Shenko as she stroked the affectionate cat.

“He also has a white muzzle and green eyes.  Those attributes prove that his bloodline is pure and  there is no evidence of any other breed in him.  Svet and a few other cats who looked like Peritskas were owned by my aunt who was an impoverished Ukrianian Countess .  She died here in town in 2006 at age 103 and left behind seven of the Peritskas,  Only Svet carried the four white feet, white chest, muzzle and green eyes.  I imagine that the others were mixed but we keep them as pets. There was no sign of a mother or father cat and we believe that Svet and the others were smuggled to her by a Polish couple who went to jail for illegal gambling and public drunkeness.”

After Mrs. Shenko collected the cats from her aunt’s estate she knew he looked like a Peritska, but she didn’t really think he had any value.  Howvere, a visiting British hiker/bicycler, Andrew Kotter, of New York City and London happened to see Svet in the summer of 2006 and immediately stepped in to offer his expertise.

Kotter is a restaurateur and cat historian, and when he stumbled upon Svet and his human family whilst biking across Ukraine, he knew that he had stumbled upon a gold mine.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” said Kotter from his posh New York City apartment. 

“I had always believed that except for a few breeding pairs in the USA and the UK, the Polish Peritska breed was gone or bred out, but there he was, right in front of my eyes — and he was the real thing. 

“I stopped in a bakery and Mrs. Shenko was holding him in her arms.  I was dumbfounded. Luckily, I speak fluent Ukrainian and I explained the situation to Mrs. Shenko.  She was already aware that the Svet was unusual, but she didn’t realize he could be so valuable.  How could she?  She is a typical Ukrainian peasant.  They don’t know much about anything.  I hate to sound elitist, but it’s true in most cases.”

Kotter, always an entrepreneur, spent the next two weeks ingratiating himself with the Shenko family and formulating a plan that would make him wealthy — and the Shenkos even wealthier.  

“I took hair samples from him and sent them via FedEx to a lab in Philadelphia where his DNA was compared with the DNA of five known Polish Peritskas living in the USA in undisclosed locations.”

Kotter spared no expense and even paid to have the remains of a well-known Peritska exhumed from a small crypt in the basement of a Polish church where it had been entombed since 1771.  Experts were able to extract DNA from the bones of that cat.

“The DNA was a perfect match with the cat we exhumed.” said Kotter.  The miniscule variations in Svet’s genetic material and the existing Peritskas, however,  proved that Svet was even more pure-blooded than those few who live in the USA, England and Rome.  It was then that the phone calls started to pour in.  Everybody want to breed to him.”

According to Kotter, throughout the world there are only about 75  Polish Peritska females and far fewer males of unproven lineage,  All of the females belong to wealthy cat fanciers and breeders.   The pedigree had started to become narrow and many kittens either died or were born with extra claws — a sure sign of inbreeding.

“I partnered up with Mr and Mrs. Shenko and we put a breeding price on Svet for $10,000 per breeding.  That’s higher than most racehorse stallions.  We sold 75 breeding ampules in 2 hours.  That brought in $750,000 and in a few months there were a lot of kittens with strong new blood.”

Svet continued to be “collected” three times per year until June 2011, and even more semen was sold to breeders in Sweden and Finland who wanted to create a new breed of gray cats,  but Svet’s last collection of semen was a flop.

“None of the females got pregnant,” said Kotter.  “We did extensive testing and lots of medical work on Svet. I even flew in a feline veterinary breeding specialist from the San Diego zoo and he gave us the bad news that Svet’s sperm was no longer viable and the condition causing this to happen is untreatable.  It will not affect Svet’s lifespan, but he will never again be able to breed. 

“But we did get five years out of him and now there are 4,300 kittens of pure Peritska blood — most selling for well over $7,000 each.  More importantly, the gene pool is much less narrow and the breed will flourish — for those who can afford to buy a kitten.

“I have to admit that I don’t have a lot of affection for Svet, because he can be an attention-starved pest, but I was all about the money anyway.  I do, however, donate 50% of my profits from Svet to rescue homeless cats.  The Shenkos, however, have true undying love for him. 

“They recently bought a small beach house in the south of France and next summer they plan to take him with them when they go there.  The Shenkos are incredibly spry for an elderly couple and my best guess is that they will leave Ukraine by the end of November of this year (2011) and enjoy the millions of dollars they have made. Why wouldn’t they?  The town they live in is a dump and they have a lot of money to go elsewhere.”

The Shenkos are happy with their new found wealth and they are also grateful that they got a chance to restore the Polish Peritska Cat to it’s former glory — a heritage that goes back to the 14th century.

“I don’t like one thing,” said Mrs. Shenko.  “I do not like the fact that Svet is known throughout the world in pedigree papers as Voyko Donko-Svetaslav-Shenko.  I had to allow the International Cat Breeders to give him that silly name.  To me he is just Svet and to the people of our village he is just another friendly cat who wanders around.  But to the world of cat breeders, he is some kind of king. 

“It is sad that he is no longer able to make babies, but how many millions can we spend?  My husband and I are very old.  We just love our cats.  A businessman in Japan named Kurisan Kawazoko offered to buy Svet in his current condition for $500,000 but we refused.  He just wanted him for a conversation piece. Svet deserves better than that.  He likes to be cuddled and loved.”

So good old Voyko Donko-Svetaslav-Shenko is now just plain old Svet — and that’s the way he likes it.  Once he was the king of the domestic cat world and now he is a pauper.  We think he likes it that way.

A historian has been arrested in central Russia after police found the corpses of 29 women, dressed as dolls, in his apartment, authorities said this week.  Some were cloth masks while others were in the process of being rebuilt to look less decayed.

The 45-year-old man, who police did not identify, has been charged with desecrating bodies and graves, officials said.

Video released by police showed an eerie collection of what looks like life-sized dolls, outfitted in shabby dresses and headscarves, their hands and faces wrapped in fabric. Authorities say the man also stole clothes from the graves when he took the bodies.

Russian Interior Ministry spokesman Gen. Valery Gribakin told CNN police couldn’t figure out for a long time who was behind the “numerous blasphemous acts against the graves and the dead bodies” at several cemeteries in and around Nizhny Novgorod, about 250 miles east of Moscow.

The incidents started about two years ago, authorities said, with each case producing a public uproar in the region. Gribakin said police went the extra mile to find the culprit.

“Our leading theory was that it was done by some extremist organizations,” Gribakin said. “We decided to beef up our police units and set up … groups composed of our most experienced detectives who specialize in extremist crimes.”

But even seasoned investigators and forensic experts were shocked when their investigation led them to the historian and the contents of his apartment, where the women’s mummified bodies were found. The corpses were those of women who died between the ages of 15 to 25, officials said.

Gribakin also said during the search the police found “photographs and plaques from gravestones, doll-making manuals and well as maps of local cemeteries.”

The suspect faces charges of desecrating dead bodies and their burial sites, a crime punishable by up to three months in jail or a year of correctional labor.