Senator Richard Blumenthal, the Democratic Senator from Connecticut, has announced that he will quit before his term is up in order to pursue a career in acting and broadcasting. Blumenthal’s actions come as quite a shock to many. especially since he’s been working so hard at disrupting the Judge Kavanaugh Supreme Court Induction Hearings.
Some on the Left and Right have accused Blumenthal of spitting in the face of justice, but the sadly lucrative truth is that Blumenthal will spit in the face of anyone because he has a really bad speech impediment — an impediment that has caused him to seek well-paid employment elsewhere.
“He didn’t seem to me like someone who was going to jump ship, ” said Kamala Harris (D-CA). “I’ve never seen him so mad and so fervent about any cause. There was so much spit shooting out of his mouth that staffers had to replace his microphone several times. I know that he slurs and spits, and well, let’s face it, he sounds like Sylvester the Cat when he speaks, but he should use that talent to continue on with our cause. Sylvester the Cat wouldn’t quit and I don’t think he should. Kavanaugh must not be confirmed no matter how much we have to lie or fake or posture. This is no time to for any Democrat to punk out just because of a little speech impediment. Okay, the impediment is not so little, but still. I will miss him because, when I put on my makeup, the first thing I do is have a face to face with Richard (Blumenthal). As we speak, usually about how much we want to kill unborn babies and give free stuff to illegal alien criminals and gangsters, his spit hits my face and acts like a very firming toner. Just a spritz from Blumenthal and I’m set for the day.”
While Harris’ words may sound rather insulting or snide, they hit at the core of why Bluementhal is leaving, and why he was recently hired by Cartoon Network to do voice-over work for Warner Brothers and the Cartoon Network. Beginning in 2019, Blumenthal will be the new voice of none other than Sylvester the Cat for the a new run of the old show on Cartoon Network.
“I know that I “shlur” and “shpit” when I talk,” said Blumenthal. “Maybe it annoys people, but I want to turn that shlurping thing that I do and turn it into cold, hard cash. Did you hear what I just shed? I shed, ‘cash’ and there was no shlur or shpit because the word cash was designed for the misalignment of my lips, teeth and tongue. I also can easily say ‘abortion’ because it has a shhhhhh sound in it. Perhapsh thish is why I love to talk about abortions and why I want to see all unborn babiesh killed before they get swooshed out of the womb. I myself was a breech birth. I came out tongue and lipsh first. When the doctor smacked me on the bottom at birth, I shpit in his face. My parents alwaysh talk about how funny that wush.”
Warner Brothers has failed to answer questions about Blumenthal’s pay scale as the voice of Sylvester the Cat, but sources close to Watergate journalist and fiction writer Bob Woodward think it might be close to $2 million per year — or about $100,000 per episode.
NOTE: All shorces –er — SOURCES for this article are anonymous and were provided to the Damien Zone by Bob Woodward.