Wanna make a half a billion dollars?

First, get a Doctor of Divinity Degree online.  It’s better to also get a PhD in anthropology too, but who has the time for that?

Okay, then create your own church and declare Marilyn Monroe a prophet in your church.

Then buy the rites to Marilyn Monroe’s remains, $2 million oughta do it because the current people who have the rights to her “image” are money hungry scum bags.

Then, exhume whatever is left of Marilyn Monroe and take them in a glass case on display around the world (especially Japan) — museums, exhibits, shows, conventions — make sure the remians can’t be photographed — lighting experts know how to do this.

In 3 years you will make about $500 million — and that’s not counting tangential monies that come from TV appearances and books and whatever.

Don’t let anyone tell you that this is “wrong” because there is a “science” called Egyptology, and in that science they routinely do exactly what I have just described to you.  The funny thing is that they have taken King Tut on a many tours of the world and made an absurd fortune with his mummified remimans and in so doing the experts proclaim “how happy they are that they got to King Tut before the ‘grave robbers’ got him’ – but the experts for some reason are NOT graverobbers.

So, think of yourself as a Hollywood-ology anthropologist and do the same thing.  You need at least $2million to get started, but the return on your investment will be amazing.

This was a nice thing for Whitney to say.  She said it from the heart. 

Without all his makeup, Adam Lambert is an acne scarred ugly queen.  Without special micorphones and sound stabilizers, he can’t sing.  Without police intervention he would have beat the living shit out of his little bit of a thing — a wafer-thin boyfriend — a guy named Sauli Koshkinen who is almost as fugly and queenie as Adam Lambert.  The two big queens deserve each other.

According to reports, former American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert got thrown into a Finnish jail for an overnight stay after he started swinging fists with his boyfriend outside a bar .

Lambert and Finnish imitation celebrity,  Sauli Koshkinen, a no talent who became as famous as you can get in Finland by being on a Finnish reality show — which means he is totally not famous — had an argument and fistfight which reportedly started inside the bar in Helsinki, but eventually poured out into the street. Lambert allegedly got physical with people who tried to break up the fight, as well … before police arrived and took him and Koskinen into custody.

They were arrested for multiple assaults, according to a Finnish newspaper.

Adam Lambert is a total queen and just writing this makes me sick to my stomach.  Why is every guy from a reality show a queen?  UGH!

If you were paying attention months ago, TheDamienZone.com told you that James Franco was loafing through an imaginary school world at NYU where he was getting top grades and the results of his IQ test were so high  that they were being held in a vault at Fort Knox — baloney.  James Franco is a fuktard and now he has been accused of getting a very good professor fired from his job at NYU because — and get this — because he gave James Franco a low grade.

LOOK ———>http://thedamienzone.com/2011/02/08/james-franco-education/

NYU professor Jose Angel Santana claims he was wrongfully
terminated for giving James Franco a low grade in his class.
According to a lawsuit obtained by TMZ — the greatest website ever because it snags liars and cheats and bullshitte –  Santana gave the actor a D for missing 12 of the 14
classes in the MFA course, “Directing the Actor.”

Santana said he was the only professor to give Franco a bad grade. “In my
opinion, they’ve turned the NYU graduate film degree into swag for James
Franco’s purposes, a possession, something you can buy,” the professor said.

Way back when Franco was claiming to be carrying 60 credits a semester, TheDamienZone knew that he was a flunky and that he had other people doing work for him.  Professor Jose Angel Santana didn’t kiss his ass like all the rest of the NYU teaching staff and for that he gets insulted by Franco.

Although not a straight-A student, the 127 Hours star graduated from
NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts on Tuesday with an MFA in filmmaking this May. ( who gives a shit)

He also has a degree in creative writing from Columbia and is currently working
towards an English doctorate from Yale University. Franco has studied poetry at
Warren Wilson College in North Carolina and most recently was accepted into the
University of Houston’s doctoral program in literature and creative writing.
He’ll begin his studies in Houston in fall 2012. <—-could you do that no matter how smart you are?   No way — they’s tell you to take a hike.

I told you folks way back when that James Franco is a douche bag and an imaginary genius.  I agree with the professor that he tried to use his money and fame to glide through NYU — what a moron.

Listen up all you New Yawk film wanna-be’s — 99.9% of you have NO TALENT and for a school to even offer a course in “directing the actor” is so stupid that it makes me want to puke.  To me there is nothing more annoying that young hipsters who go to film school, accomplish nothing and then go to parties and call themselves a filmmaker.

Franco is a douche bag — famous only because he looks like James Dean — and now he is trying to get a degree in everything.  I would like to see his report card from 3rd grade.  He makes me sick.

Also — don’t let the name Franco foll you — he is not Italian and he whatever he is, it fits in nicely with all the other no talents who think that they can go to film school and become famous artistes — screw them.  They make me sick.

Rumors are flying around Hollywood that Alec Baldwin, the world’s most obnoxious WORDS WITH FRIENDS player, will not be asked to return to Turner Classic Movies (TCM) where he sometimes co-hosts with Robert Osborne, a segment called “The Essentials.”

His recent antics on an American airlines plane and the subsequent evidence that Baldwin’s account of what transpired on that plane was less than truthful supposedly has TCM executives up in arms.

“He was never really good for the program and if he gets fired, it won’t be a moment too soon,” said a source close to the station.

“Robert Osborne was never impressed with Alec Bladwin and probably wishes he were gone.  Osborne has never expressed that opinion, but I think it’s safe to assume that Bob would be happier if he had a more intelligent and less self-absorbed co-host for The Essentials.”

It’s true that Alec Baldwin does not deserve to share his opinions on films with someone like Robert Osborne, and the powers that be over at TCM can’t be happy with this new and unpleasant notoriety.   Baldwin always seems to making a fool out of himself in one way or another and this might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

Will Alec Baldwin get fired from TCM?  Well — he probably did violate something in his contract if you look at it with a microscope, but people in the know say that he will not be asked back after the segments he has already taped are aired.

“Kelly Osbourne has always been a huge Eleanor Roosevelt fan, and her recent hairstyle is a tribute to the late great First Lady.  Sadly, Kelly is not as pretty or smart as was Mrs. Roosevelt. but she’s trying, and for that I applaud her.”  [Dr. Helene Gammucio, Cultural Minister to Montserrat and Hollywood Hair Anthropologist.]

People have been wondering lately about Kelly Osbourne’s gray hair and her new, but antiquated style.  At first her fan (she has only one) noted that her hair had turned gray and wondered if perhaps she was sick or that she had gone prematurely gray or if she was made up for a movie role, but now the truth can be told.

Kelly, is gradually turning into the woman she admires most — Eleanor Roosevelt — the former First Lady and wife of America’s Depression era, four-term President, Franklin Delano Roosevelt.  Mrs. Roosevelt died in 1962 after a lifetime of service to her country. 

“Kelly has been gray since she was a child,” said one top Hollywood hair stylist who’s identity is so secret that he will only work out of a garden apartment in an undisclosed city in Northern New Jersey. 

The stylist went on to say that Kelly  “got tired of all the colors and all the wigs and styles so she decided to let nature take its course.  Kelly thinks that Eleanor Roosevelt is trying to beam energy into her from the afterlife, and the point of entry for that energy is her hair.” 

TheDamienZone is investigating this strange phenomenon because it has been widely known in Hollywood and Washington DC  that Kelly has always been a fan of Franklin D. Roosevelt’s “New Deal” Public Works project.  As a matter of fact, some of the cement left over from the building of the Hoover Dam was used to construct the bottom of her face.

The new look is not only making Kelly almost as pretty as Eleanor Roosevelt, it is instilling in her the desire to help those who are less fortunate and don’t get to hang out in West Hollywood and pretend that they were Amy Winehouse’s best friend.

Good old Bob Osborne is back — he looked fine except his new flippy hairstyle was a little weird.  Reminded me of Criswell from the movie “Ed Wood.”

Tell me what you think — please leave a comment.  It will take a little while for your comment to appear.

Singer George Michael, the former leader of the 80s duo WHAM — is in an Austrian hospital and his condition is very serious.  He is suffering from CAP, or ”Community Acquired Pneumonia” and he had to cancel performances indefinitely.  He’s been looking pretty run-down for the past year.

But, according to sources: George Michael is recovering from his bout of severe pneumonia and “getting stronger all the time”, according to his partner Fadi Fawaz. 

I don’t like when reps and publicists make these “everything is fine” comments because they almost always mean that the celebrity in question is about to check out for good.  I think it’s better to say nothing than to lie — but maybe he is not lying.  Let’s hope so.

The celebrity hairdresser (Fedi Fawaz) has been keeping a vigil by Michael’s bedside at AKH Hospital, in Vienna, for the past week.

What the press fails to mention is that George is on a ventilator and you have to be really bad off to be intubated for pneumonia.  Why was his family called to his bedside?  What really went wrong with the much loved singer?

Fawaz  said that the George Michael  ”is doing well and is in good spirits” but I sadly don’t believe this to be true.

Michael, who has been forced to abandon his tour, was taken to hospital with agonizing chest pains last Monday, hours before he was due to take to the stage in the Austrian capital.

George Michael is being treated for CAP severe Community Acquired Pneumonia in intensive care.   All AIDS rumors aside — this is not an AIDS defining pneumonia, but it is a form of pneumonia that’s pretty severe and often affects elderly people, children, or people with underlying illnesses.  I am not saying that George Michael has any underlying illnesses, but it’s unusual for a man his age to end up on a ventilator because of pneumonia. 

 Mr Fawaz and a female companion declined to comment as they left the hospital yesterday.

But the 38-year-old stylist, who has worked for celebrities including Naomi Campbell, earlier said that Michael was improving.

He added: “George is trying to stay upbeat.

“He is smiling through it all and everyone is just willing him to get better.

“I’ve been with him every day and his condition is getting better.”

Michael has been going out with Mr Fawaz for only a few weeks, after breaking up with his long-term partner Kenny Goss earlier this year.

If reopening then investigation into the death of Natalie Wood gets a full head of steam, it’s quite possible that her casket might be reopened as well — Her body will have to be exhumed from Pierce Brothers Mortuary Westwood Memorial Cemetery in Los Angeles where she has been buried for exactly thirty years just a few steps from Marylin Monroe.

Westwood Cemetery can be found at the corner of Glendon and Wilshire in Los Angeles — so close to the hustle and bustle of West Hollywood hotspots like The Ivy and The Abbey.

According to the initial investigation, Natalie Wood fell overboard from a yacht after her husband Robert Wagner and film costar Christopher Walken had gone to sleep in their respective cabins.

According to the coroners report, Wood fell overboard and hit her face while trying to get into the boat’s dinghy and landed in the water.  There were other indications that she had tried to climb from the water onto the dingy, but the goose down jacket she was wearing absorbed over 4o pounds of water and thereby weighed her down to the point that she could not pull herself up into it.

With 40 pounds of water weighing her down, Wood may have floundered in the water for several terrifying minutes before she finally ran out of strength and drowned.  Her body was found the next morning floating the Pacific and the dinghy was found lodged in a cove near Catalina Island.

An exhumation of Wood’s body could be a grisly thing.  Just about all exhumations are grisly things to watch, but after 30 years in the ground, one wonders how Natalie Wood would look and what good a re-autopsy would do.

After her death, Natalie Wood was autopsied and bodies that have been autopsied do not preserve very well.  The embalming process takes advantage of the body’s circulatory and lymphatic system to carry the preservative fluids to every nook and cranny of the body — every inch of tissue is saturated and preserved indefinitely.  Some embalmed remains last for decades while others succumb to the elements and go through a thorough process of decay.

Natalie Wood’s body, being an autopsied body, had to be embalmed differently because a medical examiner cuts out the internal organs of the body and thereby disrupts the natural flow of the circulatory system.  A mortician can’t pump embalming fluid into an autopsied body the same way he would with an unautopsied one.  The fluids merely spill into the abdominal cavity where all the blood vessels have been severed.  the brain soaks up a lot of embalming fluid but an autopsy either removes the brain or at least seperates it from the circulation of the embalming fluid.  A brain soaked in embalming fluid is great at preserving  the face and head because it gradually releases preservative fluid over the course of years.  Natalie’s head is probably empty and thusly it was filled with preservative substances that really don’t do much of anything.

Because of this disruption, a mortician has to embalm the body in a more localized way.  Arms, legs and other areas of the body are filled with embalming fluid, but this process is essentially useless and only done to preserve the body for a few days.  Lee Harvey Oswald, an autopsied body, was exhumed after 5 years and there was virtually nothing left of him.  Even his head had become dislodged from his body.  It was a pretty disgusting site to behold.  Others have been more grisly.

Here is a report from someone who knows first hand about how disgusting this exhumation thing can get and gives us an idea of what happens to the autopsied body versus the unautopsied body.

“I was working one summer as a caretaker at a large cemetery near my home.  Part of my duties were helping to dig graves and often we had to move caskets from the ground in order to make room for another family member who was going into the plot.  Sometimes caskets would break apart and the remains would fall out onto the ground because the casket was full of a disgusting smelling fluid.  The older guys on the job called that “grave juice.”  Other times we would peek into an exhumed casket when the state inspector opened it for a brief moment — they only do that to make sure that somebody is in there and that we actually put them back in the ground.  Sometimes the bodies looked like sleeping people.  I saw one guy who had been dead for 37  years who looked like he died yesterday, but the casket still stunk when it was opened.  Other times I saw bodies that had only been dead for a year and they were disgusting and bloated and their faces were decayed and horrible — like something you would see in a zombie movie.

My boss explained that an autopsied body didn’t keep very well and rotted even faster than a body that hadn’t been embalmed at all.  It was pretty disgusting.”  [Anonymous  2004]

So what will they find if they do have to exhume Natalie Wood?  If she was buried in a sealed casket, it will probably be pretty gross.  A sealed casket is a terrible thing because it locks out air and the anaerobic bacteria that lived in the body grow like crazy and make the whole thing a giant mess of rotted gangrene.  These are, after all, the same bacteria that cause diseases like tetanus and gangrene and botulism.  They exist best in a world without oxygen.

If, however, Natalie Wood’s casket was not a sealed one, or the seal was broken as so many cemetery workers often do intentionally, she is probably a stinky skeleton.  I don’t know what any medical examiner will be able to learn from that.  The only time re-autopsies have changed the ruling in a case is when new technology was developed to detect drugs or poisons.  Natalie Wood drowned and at the time of her death, an autopsy showed that to be the cause of her death was that she had a high alcohol level and she had drowned.

Maybe an exhumation will be done simply to scare someone who knows something to come forward.  Or it will force any person who may have pushed her overboard to fess up to a lesser charge — none of this seems likely.  But what is strange is that Natalie must have screamed for help, but perhaps out on the open water her voice just drifted away like the dinghy she tried so desperately to climb aboard.