All posts by Damien

The Damien Zone's quest is to seek out stupidity and dumbness whenever and wherever it may occur. We exist only to mock or admire human achievement.

Airplane fart absorbing cushions on all new Boeing jets.

fartsmEver since the tragic events of 9-11, the airline industry in the USA and abroad has had to put aside any thought of luxury or customer comfort so as to make their business at least semi-profitable and seemingly streamlined.  The extra security thrust upon the weary traveler has slowed everyone down, and airplanes are booked to last-minute sardine capacity.  An in-flight meal is either non-existent or it’s simply an unidentifiable rubbery sandwich you have to buy for seven bucks.  Don’t count on that free beverage being free for much longer either.


Flying is no longer a luxury.  It used to be a ritzy thing to do, but now it’s just another bothersome 500 miles per hour in a metal tube while wearing a dirty T shirt and flip-flops.   The days of the glamorous  JET SET are over…or are they?
One airline is doing something to improve the quality of life on its planes, and while it may seem a little silly, some passengers have noticed a profound difference.  Something has been done to make flying a lot more comfortable, and psychologists say that when people are comfortable in “certain” ways, they are more apt to dress and behave properly.  They are also less prone to be bothered by some of the more pesky aspects of traveling.
“I have a serious problem with flying because I have a lot of intestinal gas owing to a playground accident I suffered as a child,” said Dr. Raymond Totondi, a world renowned physician at the Skylight Institutes of Better Living, and a frequent flyer on Southwest.
“I have offices in the New York area, Atlanta and in Phoenix… and I go back and forth very often.   The long hauls were murder in my intestines.  Twenty minutes into a flight and I’d be holding in farts until my abdomen was swollen and burning.  I tried wearing diapers lined with cologne or activated charcoal, but nothing worked.  Now, unless I fly on another airline,  I have no troubles whatsoever.”
According to an engineer who works in the airline industry, Southwest has installed a flatus-absorbing cushion in all of its seats. It’s basically a thin sleeve of a new polymer that is slipped under the fabric.  The polymer reacts with human flatulence (fart gas) by drawing the gas into the fibers — pulling it from the anus — and causing a chemical reaction whereby the intestinal gas is converted into harmless nitrogen and small amounts of fecal debris.  The cushions are easy to replace and according to testing done throughout China and Malaysia, they should be replaced at least once per year for an aircraft that is in regular service.  Th fecal debris can be shaken out of the cushions and used as lawn or garden fertilizer.
“These new seat cushions are incredible.  You don’t even know they’re there.  As a man of science, I view these seats as the epitome of technology being used to make everyday life more comfortable for everyone who flies.  There isn’t a person alive who has flown on a plane and not held in at least one big fart at least one time.  Now, with these new flatus barriers, people with intestinal problems or people who just don’t feel like holding in a fart,  can fart all they want.  It’s a miracle.  I read the literature from the manufacturer and they guarantee that there is no intestinal gas that cannot be neutralized by these cushions.”
Seems like the new “FlatuLux” seat inserts have perked up Dr. Totondi’s social life too.
“This week, on my way from Atlanta to Phoenix, a trip that usually leaves me in intestinal agony,  I sat next to a pretty young woman and farted my brains out while still managing to be charming and conversational.  We had a pleasant conversation and I got her phone number.  Normally I would have been squirming in my seat and unable to relax, but this time I talked and farted and talked and farted for thirteen hundred miles.  It was so relaxing.  A few times I was worried that the young lady would see me squint and push down as I farted, but she didn’t seem to notice.  Maybe she thought I had a small facial tick or something, but whichever the case, it’s better than trying to hold a conversation with a beautiful young lady while you’re stinking up the airplane.  I know you can easily blame the smell on one of the other 130 passengers, but after awhile people catch on…at least that’s been my experience.”
Southwest Airlines has added FlatuLux flatus-reducing padding inside the lining of all of its seats on 70% of the planes they currently have in service.  They plan to have them installed in all their planes by August 2015.
The results have been outstanding and passenger satisfaction is at an all time high.  FlatuLux pads can be bought for use in the home too and talks are underway with The Olive Garden and Macaroni Grill restaurants to have the sleeves installed in seats and benches at all their locations.

Atheists Banning “OH MY GOD” from Home Makeover Shows.

move that busOver two decades ago, home improvement shows found their Christopher Columbus in a chunky, lovable bear kind of  guy named Bob Vila.  Before Bob, only contractors and real estate people knew what was going on inside old houses being prepped for sale or being flipped for profit.

These days we have a whole bunch of home makeover and home improvement  shows, and the vast majority of them are enjoyed by average people who enjoy their homes and their lives and their families.  They are just contented people who don’t intrude on others or force their agenda.

Sounds okay, right?  No harm done, right?  WRONG!

American Atheists Crusaders– a militant group who believes that NOT BELIEVING is a religion – are trying to censor these shows…and the producers who make these shows have actually caved in to their unbelievably draconian demands.

With any home improvement kind of show we get the ultimate reveal at the end.  The couple comes home and finds that their old dumpy shack is now a dream house.  Sometimes their weed-tangled backyard is magically transformed into a quiet haven away from home – complete with fire feature and water feature and a whole bunch of plants and fixtures that came from Lowes.

Okay — so at the end of the show they have a big reveal, and almost everyone shrieks, “OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!”

They say it over and over and over.  No one, however, has ever said, “Oh my quantum universe that is governed by science!”   No —  that has never been said.

Nobody seems to be an atheist when their house get’s a makeover…but that’s about to change.

An atheist group in the USA — Atheist American Crusaders — is offended by this “Oh my God” exclamation being uttered time and time again on home makeover shows which air during prime time TV hours.  Their latest crusade against Christianity is to have these words censored or removed from TV shows which are aired during what they call, “family hours.”

“We are raising our children to believe in science and reality, and not somebody else’s unrealistic sky daddy” said Millie DeBaakre who lives in  Manhattan with her life partner Josette and their four children — ages 7 through 14.

“How would you feel if every time you turned on your favorite TV show within earshot of your children, some idiot was shouting out, ‘F**k that sh*t!  F**k that Sh*t!’?  After many years that kind of foul language has an impact on young ears.  It causes a lot of damage. Saying, ‘Oh my god,” is foul language to us.  We don’t believe in god and we don’t want our children hearing people cry out to a fantasy being.

“We like to watch the show Extreme Home Makeovers and Bath Crashers,  but  our kids are always asking,  ‘Who is god?  Why do these people all thank somebody named god when they get a new room or new furniture or fire feature or patio or landscaping or garden?’    How do we explain that to our kids?  How do we answer that?  

“The people who get chosen for these shows should be forced to sign an agreement where they state openly that they will not call out to their stupid and imaginary god just because somebody fixed their house.”

Of course Millie and Josette have no trouble answering when their kids ask why they have two mothers or why Millie has full sleeve tattoos and a crew cut with a grey streak in the front and a ponytail just like the biker guy who works in the gas station.  that’s all perfectly natural.

Atheist America Crusaders have petitioned dozens of production companies and networks.  You’d think of course that no one would pay attention to them, but that’s not the case.

“We have a promise from several shows that in the future, the participants will be told in advance not to use the expression ‘Oh My God’ because it is offensive to a lot of people who do not believe in god and do not want god in their lives.    According to one major studio executive, they will add this disclaimer to all releases signed by people whose homes are chosen for these kinds of shows.”

What you are seeing here is a small group of people pulling rank and FORCING something on the vast majority of Americans…and they’re winning.    Home makeover TV shows are caving in one after another.

“One show is called ‘I’m Coming Home’ and in each episode a family is surprised when their family member comes home unexpectedly from a tour of military duty.  The kids or the spouse gets very excited and often someone shouts out ‘Oh my god,” but we do not expect this show to follow the rule because we have to pretend, just like the people in Hollywood, that we support the military people.  We secretly despise the military and all the people involved, but we pretend we do because we like the life we have and we might as well let somebody else die for us if that’s what they sign up for basically.”

Here is a list of shows who are banning the use of the expression “OH MY GOD” from their home improvement shows —->Damned Shows by Atheists. 

Tony Geary’s Quits Wearing a New Toupee. Moves to Holland.

tony geary permAfter 37 steady years,  Tony Geary,  the actor who dutifully played the role of Luke Spencer on the iconic soap-opera GENERAL HOSPITAL, has finally called it quits.  He says that he is moving to Holland where he can walk around and not be bothered by the annoying American fans — the very fans who have enabled him to earn tens of millions of dollars over the years.

What a freaking loser!  I am glad that he is troubled with heat intolerance and excessive head-sweating.

Close up pictures of Tony Geary’s toupee here —-> Direct Photos of Geary Toupee.

On July 27, 2015 at approximately, 3:58 EDT, Geary’s character, Luke Spencer, wearing his newest and fluffiest grey and white $7,500 toupee – courtesy of ABC television —  walked towards a spotlight that lit his badly wrinkled face for the last time, and according to those close to the show, this is not a ruse or a red herring.   Geary’s character is not coming back to Port Charles — and this is not a dream.

tomy geareyTony Geary , plagued by hair loss since his teens, started out by perming his receding hairline way back in the late 1970’s because he thought that would add volume, but it only made him look balder and gayer in spite of the fact that he played a macho role.

Then, after dozens of failed hair transplants and hours of grueling scalp treatments, Tony had to throw in the towel and say goodbye forever.  He opted for a heavy toupee and a tons of very air-brushed photos like the one pictured here.

“His toupee was making his head red hot, and the lights of the set had caused him to come close to heat stroke more than once,” said a source close to the show.

“If you notice, almost all of his recent scenes, and especially his very last scene, were filmed in very dim light so as to simulate evening.  His head was literally burning him and causing him great discomfort.   I think if he stayed on the show he would have died from heat prostration.  The lights are really hot.  Most people don’t realize just how hot the lights on a TV set can be.  Experts say that you lose 80% of your body heat through your head, and there was no way Tony’s yak hair toupee was letting any of his body heat dissipate.

“He told me that gray hair in a toupee is made from synthetic fibers or from the hair of Tibetan yaks.  The synthetic hair has a fake look, but the yak hair is very realistic.  The trouble with the grayish white yak hair is that it’s very hot. “

According to the Damien Zone’s  expert zoologist,  a yak’s coarse gray and white hairs enable it to live comfortably in temperatures close to negative 20 to 50 degrees Fahrenheit.  Imagine what this was doing to Tony Geary’s scalp when he was subjected to hot lights?

“One time, a nurse on the set, measured Tony’s body temperature to be 104.4 degrees, ” continued our source on the set of General Hospital. 

“Tony was sweating and said that he was feeling weak. If the nurse hadn’t stopped the shooting, I don’t think Tony would be here today,  He looked very old and sweaty and gay.  The heat was even affecting his performance.  When I first starting working on the show I thought that Tony Geary sucked as an actor and that he had no talent, but how was I supposed to know that he was burning to death under that wig and those lights?”

According to ABC’s Eyewitness News affiliate in New York, Tony is not ruling out continuing his career on Broadway.  But folks close to the Broadway scene say that there is no shot that Tony Geary will get a shot on any Broadway stage.  One insider said that when Tony Geary leaves GENERAL HOSPITAL he is essentially leaving show business.  He is not a talented actor and most of his fans are either dead or unimpressed with his departure.