All posts by Damien

The Damien Zone's quest is to seek out stupidity and dumbness whenever and wherever it may occur. We exist only to mock or admire human achievement.

TV Chef Lidia Bastianich Wearing a Wig.

1041Television chef and alleged slave owner, Lidia Bastianich, has finally done away with the spray-on scalp camouflage auburn-brown for her bald head, and she can now be seen boiling shellfish alive in a buttery rissoto broth while wearing her brand new wig which she had styled by the same man who cuts MSNBC’s Chris Matthews’ real hair.

EDITOR’S NOTE:  Lidia is not wearing a wig per se,  She is wearing a man’s toupee which doesn’t blend in well with her barely existing side hair.  It is, however, nicer than the spray on hair she was using and there is no longer any danger of her dogs dying of lead poisoning from eating the paint chips on her pillow.lydia2

For years, the alleged slave owner/chef, was cursed with a head that looked like a piece of volcanic rock from Mount Vesuvius.    Of course she did have a few wisps of hair, but no one would ever eat anything she made with angel hair pasta for fear that any piece could actually be a piece of Lidia’s falling hair.

According to a source close to the bald TV chef, Lidia started having a hard time organizing dinner parties and luncheons.  Finally she faced the bald truth.

“Nobody would come. If you only knew how many times Lidia’s friends and family bit into a piece of angel hair pasta only to find that it was actually one of the last remaining strands of Lydia’s hair — and she’s no angel.  It got to the point where one could only eat her acclaimed shrimp with angel hair pasta if the guy from the barber shop was there sweeping up around the seats.”

According to what we here at The Damien Zone can measure via the HD plasma screen on which we watch Lidia Bastianich, it’s safe to assume that her head is far too huge and misshapen for most lady’s wigs.   It’s actually kind of funny to see a woman wearing a bad man’s toupee, but the food she was making looked good and the danger of hair in dish was greatly diminished.

A former slave added this little tidbit of information about Lidia’s new hair.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA“Lidia is a huge fan of MSNBC newsman Chris Matthews and when she contacted him about his hair, a style which she admires greatly, Chris referred her to his stylist Raul St. Pierre, who did the best he could to make Lidia’s toupee look like a delicate woman’s hairstyle.  Things seem to working out well,  but now that Lidia has locked the stylist in the basement of her home and making him slave over her new hair, he has no time for Chris Matthews who is starting to look a little unkempt.”

Adolph Hitler Alive in Argentina Until 1990 and Knew Pope Francis.

HitlerNew photographs and stories have appeared on the FBI website which prove that Adolph Hitler did not die in his bunker in 1945.   Not only did he live and flee to Argentina, he died in 1990 — living to the age of 101.

According to eyewitnesses, he was a quiet man who liked  to entertain guests in his lakefront home and loved to make fun of Jimmy Carter who he referred to as, The worst President in the history of the USA.”

The picture on the left is supposedly a snapshot of Hitler taken in 1977.  There are more photos here.

Pictures of Hitler are here and here.  Das Materals.  If that link doesn’t work, there is another link at the bottom of the page.

Of course there is another element to this story that is stranger than fiction.  Read it here because The Damien Zone got  the exclusive interviews.

New information has shown that the defeated Nazi leader fled Germany Days before the Russian army overran his country.  The remains that were found were impostors. There is, however, some reason to believe that Hitler’s wife Eva Braun,  may have actually been killed in the bunker to make the murder-suicide seem more realistic.

According to witnesses who are long dead, Hitler did not kill Eva himself because he placed such a high moral value on human life.  He had someone else do it.   There were witnesses to this and one stated in sworn testimony that Hitler “cringed a little” when he heard the distant gunshot that killed Eva Braun.

According to secret documents,  Hitler fled to Flores, Argentina where he went unnoticed in the crowded and squalid barrio adjacent to Buenos Aires.

According to forensic experts who are now searching for a possible grave or tomb, Hitler shaved the top of his head to appear bald, got rid of the mustache and stopped dying his hair until it grew in gray.  He also changed his named to Hans Mueller where he spoke fluent Spanish and often played with the local children who were very poor and hungry.

Hitler lived a quiet life in a small apartment in Flores for about four years and then he moved to a small lakefront home near the town of Guamini where he lived off the land with another man who has yet to be identified.

Most of the people questioned in this most recent investigation were alive as children and knew Hitler as kindly Hans Mueller who lived in a rundown house with his dog Kiki.  The local kids said he was a nice man who often patted them on the heads and told them to stay out of the sun and to avoid pawn shops.

“Each morning there was a young boy with a donkey and a cart.  His name was Jorge  Bergoglio,  He would deliver milk and eggs to Senor Hans Miller and for that he would be given small amounts of money and a prayer card,” said Herve Florinas who is now 81 and living with his life partner Ramondo in Santiago, Chile.

“As a child. I was always very jealous of Jorge Bergoglio,” continued Florinas.    He always managed to have money and nice clothes while the rest of us were starving and without shoes.  

“One day we tied him up and ate his donkey.  My father used the animal’s hide to make shoes for me and several of the children from the slums.  When Jorge found out, he screamed and cried and stomped his feet.  

“I remember vividly that Hans Mueller found this to be very funny overall but he was annoyed by Jorge’s incessant crying.  Finally Hans Mueller slapped Jorge across the face and yelled, ‘You can act like a man,’ and from then on Jorge became very quiet and religious and he wanted everybody to like him.”

The Damien Zone noticed that Herve Florina’s memory is either not what it used to be,  or maybe he is simply suffering from the ravages of being old and gay in Argentina.    In one sense Herve seemed to enjoy telling his dead donkey story in great detail and poking fun at little Jorge Mario Bergoglio.  But with regards to his brush with Hitler,  he left out the most important ingredient to his story.  Turns out that he didn’t know the best part of his own story.

While little Herve,  may have had the unique experience of knowing Adolph Hitler after WW2,  he was blissfully unaware that he was witness to the strangest paring of people, and the crossing of paths, in the history of the world.

We had to tell him the missing element to his story — one about which he was amazingly surprised.

“I did not know that Jorge Bergoglio grew up to be Pope Francis.  Oh my god, I so totally did not know that.  What a strange coincidence,” said Florinas.

“I was a little confused and hungry at the time I guess and I didn’t put two and two together.  When I knew Hans Mueller, who turned out to be Adolph Hitler, I had only just recently met my life partner in the garbage dump behind our shack.  I guess I was so in love that I didn’t pay attention to Nazis and Popes and things like that. 

“That was in 1946, and who can remember that far back?  I knew that Jorge was an annoying kid and. there was no doubt about that because that’s why we ate his donkey and made shoes with his skin, but I totally didn’t know that the little boy who delivered groceries to Adolph Hitler grew up to be Pope Francis.  Isn’t that something?”

The little boy with the donkey and groceries — Jorge Mario Bergoglio — grew up to be none other than Pope Francis.

It’s true — Pope Francis used to be Adolph Hitler’s delivery boy.

Here is the full story.  http://www.riseearth.com/2015/02/fbi-hitler-didnt-die-fled-to-argentina.html#.VOMkOIz-iDc.facebook

 

Teresa Giudice’s Outrageous Demands in Jail Already.

teresaShe’s only been in the slammer for about one day and already Real Housewives of New Jersey star, Teresa Giudice is making outrageous demands on the prison administrators at the Federal Correctional Prison in Danbury, Connecticut.

Teresa’s first demand resulted in a brief flare of temper from  Inmate Food Services Coordinator  Chenille-Teniqua Jamaal — a woman who has worked hard to get where she is, and is not about to tolerate the “diva” behavior from someone like Teresa.

“She came in here with her hair and the extensions all puffed up and what-not with them eyes of hers so damn low in her hairline like some little play monkey.  She has the nerve, you know what I’m sayin’?   She’s a goddam convicted felon telling me what the f**k  I should be cooking in my facility.  Uh-huh, I’m not dealing with that s**t, no way Jose.”

“She got up in my face and demanded that we serve Celentano brand cavetelli pasta with white sauce and Italian wedding soup and pasta fagioli at least once a week on our menu.”

Chenille-Teniqua Jamaal continued:

“I told her straight up that this ain’t no party.  This ain’t no disco.  This ain’t no foolin’ around — and this certainly ain’t no Italian restaurant or Italian wedding.    I’m like, ‘do I look like I know what the hell Celentano cavetelli and pasta fagioli be,  and like don’t you know that you be in a motherf***in’ prison, girl?’  

“Something ain’t screwed on in that bitch’s head, you know what I’m saying?  We got something like a ape woman or whatever up in here now.”

Chenille-Teniqua Jamaal is not the only staff member at the facility who has already waged war against Teresa.

Television producer and writer Dave Mattia, who has set up shop in the prison to film a feature documentary about Teresa’s entire stay at the jail, has witnessed some really hard core diva performances already.

“We have cameras set up in her quarters that she can turn on and off as she pleases but she waltzes in and wants HER kind of lighting and HER kind of camera aperture.  She wouldn’t know an aperture from the crack in her ass but with her it’s all about control.  

“She complained about her bed and she demanded that one be shipped into her from Roma Furniture in Staten Island.  She wanted this really gaudy white laquer faux Florentine headboard and posts, but she can’t have that because it’s not in my budget or the prison’s budget.

“The prison psychologists have already designed the rooms in an ergonomic way so as to subliminally induce a state of well-being for all the prisoners.   They offered her something similar from Bob’s Discount Furniture, but Teresa said that she would puke out her cavetelli and white sauce before anyone puts discount furniture in her living quarters — and I say ‘living quarters’ to be nice, but let’s face it, she’s living in a cell for chrissakes and she’s not going to get that cavetalli with white sauce either.”

Stay tuned for more stories from our reporters who will check in on Teresa from time to time.  The Damien Zone is certain that the Real Housewife will have much more outrageous demands in the future.

http://thedamienzone.com/?p=8129

Above is a story we did about Teresa over a year ago where doctors pretty much predicted that her behavior was not in the normal range.