Trader Joe’s — the ultra hip food store where all the nouveau and low cleanliness hip liberals work and/or shop because they want to buy virtue in a can — is looking for new employees. But, there’s a catch.
You have to be currently active in a grassroots Bernie Sanders campaign, and you have to prove that you voted for Bernie Sanders after the November elections regardless of outcome in order to be eligible for a job at Trader Joe’s.
According to an interview given to this Hollywood writer —->Deeiter Marsk Trader Joe’s Office.<—-click for job and voter info.
If you don’t cough up your proof in November, you have to pay back Trader Joe’s 50% of the money they put into your health insurance payments.
“How do I prove that I like totally voted for Bernie Sanders,” asked one hipster who works at Trader Joe’s in Westfield, New Jersey.
“You can’t use recording devices like cell phones in a voting booth, so I am like totally screwed. I mean, this job is totally awesome but so far I have had to prove that I was once a victim of the Christian family I was born in, and I did that, but then I had to prove that I switched to extreme atheist and finally to Buddhist. That’s like totally not cool because how do I prove that I didn’t believe in a sky daddy, but then I switched when I realized that being a Buddhist is like totally awesome even if I don’t know jack shit about it.”
Trader Joe’s is a chain of stores that are owned by some guys in Germany who saw a food market demand for self-hating Americans.
They knew that if they created a really cool store and edgy store that defied all American conventions they would have an instant clientele. Every misfit in the USA would shop there.
These Germans even had the genius to offer designer wine for $2.00 per bottle. It’s junk wine but it would be from a really cool place — so it would have to be cool, right? It wasn’t long before even the most discriminating liberal bragged about the bouquet and exotic aromas elicited from “Two-Buck-Chuck” – the chic name given to the shitty wine they passed off on drunk teenage liberals and people with imagined gluten intolerance.
The employee continued.
“I want to keep my job at Trader Joe’s because I fit all of the requirements on the job application. I am a very boy-ish lesbian and I have a lot of tattoos and piercings. I do notshave my legs or armpits and I am slightly smelly. Those are the main things they look for in an employee. If you are a male you must be very hip and edgy and oddly hairy — and being gender fluid helps too. I mean, all of us who work here are like totally awesome and we’re all totally for Bernie Sanders. We feel the BERRRRRRRN.”
Trader Joe’s executives know that it will be hard to prove if an employee adhered to store policy and voted for Bernie Sanders, but they are currently writing up a document that employees can sign as a sworn statement that they did indeed vote for Bernie Sanders.
“Basically the food here at Trader Joe’s is shit and loaded with salt and sugar and MSG like everywhere else but they put gluten free labels on stuff and junk like that and people buy it. They really come in for the cheap alcohol because liberals drink and that’s their excuse. But who esle would hire me? I mean, look at me. My head is shave on one side and I am covered in spikes and tattoos. Acme was not in my future…and I have no future. I smoke pot and I like Bernie Sanders — I’m an idiot – but I make more than minimum wage and that is way cool. It’s totally awesome. “