All posts by Damien

The Damien Zone's quest is to seek out stupidity and dumbness whenever and wherever it may occur. We exist only to mock or admire human achievement.

Michael Phelps, A-Rod , Justin Bieber, BULGES.

phelps 1Michael Phelps, Peyton Manning and Alex Rodriguez, they are giants of their games. Lebron James towers on the basketball court, Michael Phelps is a tall drink of water in the pool, Peyton Manning reigns tall on the football field and Alex Rodriguez is at the height of his game on the baseball diamond.  So how tall are these sports super stars is not really as important as is their penis size when it comes to how the penis interferes with the playing of their particular sport.phelps 2  More bulge pics here and on the like below the photo

Dr. Lance Johnson, author of the bestselling book, “Jocks and  Singers and Their Penises” offered his own opinions on this subject.

Alex Rodriguez is 6-feet 3-inches — Penis estimated to be very large, bulky and rub’ry with low hanging sack.
Peyton Manning is 6-feet 5-inches. — Disproportionately small but still big but thin — also curved with a slight mushroom head.
Michael Phelps is 6-feet 4-inches —  6.5 inches but a substantial grower from years of chlorine, cold water and genetics.

Justine Bieber — Actually pretty big for a shrimp like Bieber.  Estimated to be about 7.5 inches and nice.  Very similar but thicker than Eminem who is a major grower,  He looks small when soft but gets very big when aroused.
LeBron James is 6-feet 7-inches — Mule sized penis soft but not much growth in the erect state.

More Phelps and Bieber bulge pics here at this site —-> Dicka p

The height of these athletes is not directly proportional, however, to their penis sizes as you can see in the chart above.

“Michael Phelps, while he appears to have a large penis, is actually not very well endowed at all until he gets aroused,”  said Dr. Johnson who along with being a best selling author, from the The University of Maine’s School For Athletic Male Sexual Studies.

“Your average swimmer can’t afford a nice, large bulge, or “basket” or “package” because that would slow down the forward motion.  What would normally be an asset in life turns out to be a real drag — so to speak — in a pool.

“Historically, however, there have been cases where the champion swimmer was what some people call  “a grower” and the non-erect penis can often be as small as an inch or two, but still can swell to ten times that size when erect.   I have examined many athletes who seemed small but after I examined the penis manually I took them out for cocktails.  As far a sex is concerned, a lot of swimmers are small in the water but huge on dry land.  It’s an amazing anthropological anomaly, but I think it’s a very exciting and stimulating line of work.

“Sometimes my jaw drops when I see the statistics.”

Basketball players have been included in Dr. Johnson’s study as well, and since most of them are African Americans, the size of the average basket ball playing penis is quite large, but according to Dr. Johnson,  that is about to change.  THis is average here —-> 3

“Your average basketball player has a massive penis and anyone with  knowledge of anatomy could tell you that is because they are descended from African people who had large penises.    The stronghold that basketball players now have on size- per-player averages is about to change drastically as more and more Chinese players venture out onto the court.

“The Chinese have, as a rule, a very small phallus and all you will need is one Chinese player to offset the hung attributes of ten African American players

The NBA refuses to comment but Michale Phelps, the Olympic swimmer, is getting a penis enlargement after his career as a swimmer ends completely.

“For years I suffered with a small basket,” said the lanky swimmer.  “I mean, I am long and tall and people assume that they will see a huge bulge, but they don’t and a lot of times I don’t get laid as often as I should.

“I know that Dr, Johnson was very interested in studying me when I first got famous but then he kind of backed off.  Maybe I am a little beat in the face but I’m still Michael Phelps so I should be getting laid more often and I should be getting more manual exams from Dr. Johnson — but I did get mentioned in his book.  I hope the penis enlargement makes me more attractive to the general public and even though I won’t be swimming, I will always wear tiny speedos wherever I go — even to church.”

Alex Rodriguez — or A-Rod as he is appropriately known)  is a big guy  in the pants and that helps him to swing the bat.

“When his body swings into a pitch, the weight of his penis gives his body more torque,” said Dr. Johnson as he nervously wiped the sweat off his brow.

“If Alex Rodriguez were to have a full erection at the same time he connects with a fast ball, he might hit the ball at least 500 feet or more.  The team has been experimenting with using electric stimulators to keep Alex erect when he gets up to bat but then he keeps remembering Madonna and he goes limp.”

Dr. Johnson loves his work and he looks forward to working at the next Olympic Games with the equestrian team — not the riders, the horses.

Soldier Refuses to Tip Server is a HOAX !

atipThe community of FACEBOOK SIMPLETONS — a rather new and distinct underprivileged ethnic group — is at it again.  This time it’s another fake “no tip for you” receipt from a soldier who wrote that his tip would be zero because, in his perfectly scrawled words he stated:  “My tip is the freedoms I provided you while serving my country.”  

This story is a hoax — IT NEVER HAPPENED.

Is it possible that Dana Morales is at it again?  Who knows, but what we do know is that everybody wants to be viral and everybody has a gimmick and most importantly — FACEBOOK and NEWSMAX are the final frontiers for every gullible moron on the face of the earth.   The dumbest of the dumb see this and what do they do?  They pass it on to someone else. When is this going to stop?  The answer is that it will never stop because Americans are getting dumber and dumber.  It’s too late…it’s too late.  
Neither the restaurant nor the server are mentioned because there is no restaurant and there is no server.  This was a scam created by a few not-so-clever guys who work in the design department of a military catalog that sells clothing and camping supplies.  In other words, the whole soldier refusing to tip thing is a hoax.  It was never even supposed to be seen as the truth but don’t tell that to the community of Facebook Simpletons Who Share.  They want more than anything for this to be true.  This is their reason for living.  Please drop them from your Facebook page and put them out of YOUR misery.
Naturally, the morons of the world pass this along as a great scandal — please — anyone on your Facebook page who shared this with you needs to be dropped right NOW.
A famed zoologist and TV writer disagrees with me…this time I think he’s way off. 
“Hey, Damien.  Many people who create their social life on Facebook are looking for conflict or drama in that imaginary life.  This doesn’t mean that they are morons or stupid like you say.  Some of them are highly intelligent and inventive and imaginative.  It’s just that their Facebook has gotten dull or humdrum.   For the most part It simply means that they want to keep the story line of their Facebook more vibrant.  By using shared information like this, even though it proves to be false, they move things along the way a daytime dram or soap opera opens up to new characters and new drama.  It’s a human nature kind of thing.”  [D. D. Mattia] <— read about this dude and judge for yourself.   Sometimes he is smart and sometimes he’s a moron too.

Franco’s Home Run Stealing Ball Bully Identified!

brodFox Sports Arizona announcers Steve Berthiaume and Bob Brenly were in complete shock yesterday when a big, beer belly, pushy, bully, block-headed douche bag shoved an older woman like she was a piece of dirt in in the gutter just so he could retrieve Maikel Franco’s first home run ball at the Diamondback -Phillies game.

The big slob was later identified as Brod Kearnbleu, a 33-year-old locker room attendant and laundry manager at a men’s spa and sauna  somewhere north of downtown Philly.

“He would have pushed that poor woman over the rail to get that ball, ” said a fan who refused to be identified.  “He has some kind of weird fixation for Franco and he wanted that ball regardless of whatever he had to do to get it….and he got it.  He was walking back and forth yelling, ‘Franco, Franco, Franco.”  It was freaky, and then he shoved that old lady really hard.  You could hear him grunt. “

MORE PICS TAKEN HERE: Diamondback photia — the link might be broken now but it worked last night.

Friends of Brod Kearnbleu, who later negotiated an undisclosed deal with Franco’s entourage for the return of the ball, said that he has changed a lot in the past year and that ever since he got the job in the  sauna, he has become very obnoxious and unpredictable.

A childhood friend who only identified himself as “Greg”  had this to say:

“He’s turned into a bully over the past year and always trying to prove his masculinity.  Especially now that he moved in with his uncle.  

“All he does is worship Franco.  Something happened to him since he started working in that spa place.  He used to like baseball like a normal person but he also enjoyed art and music and he was a genuine cool guy.  Now he’s a jerk.”

According to Damien Zone sources, Brod Kearnbleu grew up in Bakersfield, California and moved to the Philadelphia area after graduating from an undisclosed two-year college where he majored in theater and landscaping design.

“I never liked the guy since the day he signed the lease,” said his landlady who prefers to be anonymous. 

“He’s like, I don’t know, I guess you would call him a meathead or something but he has a delicate and sensitive side.  He used to be somewhat likable but he’s not anymore.  

“He likes to listen to rock music all day and he’s always taking pictures too,  but then he blasts the baseball games on the TV and radio all day long most of the time.

“His uncle is a shady guy too but he pays the rent on time.  All they ever do is order take out food and they don’t recycle the cardboard Chinese boxes like they’re supposed to.  I would say that Brod has gain about 50 pounds since he moved in with his uncle.  I don’t know what’s really going on with him,  but I always say, ‘live and let live,’ especially if they pay the rent and don’t take dope. “

Brod Kearnbleu was not available for comment.