Organic Food is a Rip Off. All “Food” is Organic.

If you own a dictionary, or if you know anything about grade school chemistry, you would know that the word “ORGANIC” means that something is derived from living matter.  Organic stuff is made up of compounds constructed with the carbon atom as one would find it in something that is alive or was once alive.

A whole lot of crazy people think that most of the things we eat are NOT ORGANIC, and because this stuff we eat is not organic, it is really bad for us — and they’re 100% right.

Yes, it’s true.  If you (assuming you are a human being) eat things that are not “ORGANIC” you will either die instantly or you‘ll soon starve to death.

The human quest for ORGANIC food is bred into our DNA. This is why we humans don’t eat bars of aluminum or steel or iron, and we don’t eat brass tea kettles.   It’s  why we don’t eat polyester flowers or ceramic chickens.  We don’t eat rocks and, unless we’re kids, we try not to eat dirt.  We don’t eat pianos or guitars or plastic bags or speedometers or weathervanes, and we only eat glass and razor blades if we work in a circus.

The aforementioned things, and millions of other strange snacks, are not “organic” and if we were to eat them, we would not only receive zero nutritional value from these items, we would probably cut a hole in our stomachs and die.

Humans can, however, eat leather shoes and hair and wooden furniture — huh?  Yes, you can eat that stuff because it’s organic — it used to be alive.  In fact, there have been times when starving people have boiled shoes or hair or wooden planks and chowed down.

Shoe leather was the last thing the Donner Party ate until they stumbled upon some really solid, organic food — each other.   The ribs that were cut from one guy were rib-sticking good organic food for the other guys.  Are you figuring  this out yet?

Hey — get a load of this weird exception.  You could be dying of thirst but there is no way you should drink gasoline or kerosene because you’d die — even though that kind of stuff is about as organic as you can get.  Petroleum is the most definitively ORGANIC thing on the entire planet.

What am I trying to say here?  I am trying explain to you why we do not eat the freaking refrigerator, and why we eat what’s inside of it. I’m also trying to tell you that  ALL FOOD IS FREAKING ORGANIC!  IF IT WAS NOT ORGANIC, IT WOULD NOT BE FOOD!  CATCH ON?

So why do stores have that expensive section where they sell “organic” stuff?  Why are there stores like Whole Foods who brag that all their stuff is organic?   The answer is simple.  Those places exploit stupid people.

Why do some people think they’re better than others because they only eat organic food?  That answer is even simpler.  Those are the stupid people.

Okay, so what’s the deal here, Damien?   Isn’t it a fact that some farmers raise organic vegetables and meats?   In other words, aren’t there farmers who do  not use pesticides or herbicides or antibiotics or any of that other junk?

Ummm — not really, folks.

To say something is “organically grown” is a new age kind of euphemism for —  “I am mentally sick because I think that ordinary, competent farmers are secretly trying to kill me”  or “I make more money than you do and I can afford the more expensive items at the more exclusive stores” or  “Natural things are better, and because I’m incredibly stupid, I totally am suckered into the whole organic thing.”

Oh the dumbness of it all — it never ends.

Usually I goof on you folks, but this is not a goof.  According to Jared Mehre, a writer for The Badger Herald,  organic food is “the biggest scam since bottled water.” 

Wow — this guy has brass balls.  By the way, you can’t eat brass balls but you can eat real ones if you have the cajones to try them.  Cowboys call them “rocky mountain oysters” — but that’s an entirely different story that involves culinary culture.

According to Mr. Mehre, organic food is not better for your health.  He cites a study done by Stanford University where doctors found that “organic” food is neither healthier nor more nutritious.   As a matter of fact, Mehre goes on to write about how studies at Oxford and Stanford and the American Journal of  Clinical Nutrition have all determined that organic food does not have any beneficial effect at all on one’s health and well-being — it just costs more.

Thanks to Jahred Mehre and The Badger Herald for that little bit of sanity about a total insane subject.

Let me explain all about “organic farming” very simply so that you can all write in and tell me how stupid and uninformed and toxic I am.

Organic farmers do not use man made pesticides or fertilizers.  Okay, that sounds pretty nice, but how does an organic farmer keep his crops growing big and how does he keep them from getting eaten by insects?  The answer is — he uses pesticides and fertilizers  — but they’re not man-made pesticides and fertilizers.  They’re natural pesticides.  Oh!  What does that mean?  Uh….it means that he uses pesticides and fertilizers.

I asked Dave Mattia, a pretty famous Hollywood zoologist, a question about one of the  “natural fertilizers” and this is what he said:

“I’ve worked in the racehorse industry since I was a kid and throughout all that time, ordinary people have come around to the training farms and racetracks asking if they could take the manure for their organic garden or farm.  Of course we’re always happy to get rid of the stuff — who wouldn’t.  There’s mountains of it,  but don’t these organic people know the kind of drugs a lot of horses get to stay healthy?  I’m not saying that racehorses are doped up — although most people believe they are and all you ever read about are trainers getting arrested for doping horse — but I would never fertilize my garden with racehorse poop.  Horses are always getting antibiotics and so many other kinds of medications.   Competent and healthy veterinary care for an equine (horse) athlete is complicated and there are a lot of meds involved in keeping a performance horse healthy.  Most animals, especially racehorses,  would be in pretty rough shape without the medications they routinely get — especially anti-worming agents and antibiotics.  I am really happy when my horses are pooping well, but I would never put racehorse manure in my pumpkin patch that’s for certain.”   

You can read about Dave here. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3834680/?ref_=sr_1

Anyway, the other misconception about “Organic” is that organic farmers do not feed antibiotics to their pigs and lambs and cows and chickens.  Wow — that’s great because I’m allergic to penicillin.  But what do they use if the animal gets sick?   Oh — uh — they use antibiotics.  Huh?  Sorry but it’s true.  It’s virtually impossible for any farm to stay in business if they don’t treat sick animals properly.  If a sirloin steak were truly “organic” it would mean that the steer from which the steak was cut, was never sick a day in his life, or if he was sick, he was not treated for that sickness — and now you’re eating him.  The steer could have had tuberculosis — but it’s “organic” so it’s got to be better right?  Wrong!  Do you see the stupidity?

The most sickening part or the ORGANIC movement is that some products are calling themselves ORGANIC when there is no possible way they can be organic.  The word is being abused.  It’s criminal.

For example, how can a shampoo be organic?  Maybe it has organic things in it like coconut oil or palm oil or lanolin, but what about the detergent that makes a shampoo clean your hair?   That can’t be organic.  It’s a man-made chemical — and it’s harmless unless you’re allergic to it and you get a rash and go out and get some cortisone ointment — in which case the cortisone is organic  — yes, our own bodies make cortisone as “cortisol” all day long — but the cream that it’s mixed with to make it spread around all nice and even, is not organic — or it’s only partly organic.  Do you see the lunacy or why the word organic makes no real sense when it comes to anything you eat or drink or wear or slather on yourself.  It’s like saying “wet water” — maybe even dumber than that.

I would like to suggest a law where only people who can use the word “organic” are people who work in the petroleum industry.  You know who they are, right?  They’re the evil gasoline companies who suck the goop out of the earth so you can drive your more expensive car to the more expensive store that sells the more expensive crap that you think is organic.

Some towns have this new thing where you buy into a co-op organic farm thing.  Once a week  the organic farmer sends down a truckload of his stuff and people who have paid (a lot of money) into the co-op get to buy it.  It’s always the weirdoes in the town who fall for this, but that aspect of the co-op farm is better suited for the opinions of a psychiatrist.

WHAT KIND OF BIRDBRAIN PAYS TO PAY FOR FOOD!!!!  You are being charged a cover-charge to buy food. Can you imagine that?  Are you smelling a rat yet?

In some very gentrified communities, the resident who does not buy into  the co-op is looked upon as a very un-hip and crude creature.  In other words, people who can’t be conned, are being socially bullied by organic morons who have fallen in love with the word ORGANIC.  Many of these organic bullies have B.O. because they only use organic deodorant that does not work.

Okay – so after everything I have said so far, and the fact that there is ample proof that not only is organic food not better for you, and it’s not really a real thing, and it’s really just an invented concept, doesn’t the word SCAM cross your mind?

I am typing this article on an organically manufactured laptop, and if you believe that, I would like to sign you up to pay $700 a year to have the privilege to buy the carrots I grow in my back yard with only bird crap for fertilizer.  Bird poop is bird-made not man-made, so you know it has to be good.   I know my carrots are a little steep at $8.99 per pound, but what’s the worst thing that can happen from eating something as wholesome as a carrot grown with bird poop fertilizer?  Well. let’s see.   There are all kinds of deadly diseases like….toxoplasmosis, and avain flu, E-Coli, histoplasmosis, candida albicans, cryptoccus…and…..tell me when you want me to stop.  Bird poop might be organic but it’s dangerous to eat food that has been grown in soil enriched by it — especially things eaten raw.

Damien LeGallienne Reporting for TheDamienZone.com

EDITOR’S NOTE: It is very easy to post a comment on TheDamienZone.  It’s a no hassle thing and I do not censor comments unless they’re violent or hateful.  If they’re really dumb or really smart, I’ll answer. I don’t bother to cross check emails so if you want to have at me — feel free.