Whatever Happened to Willie Aames from EIGHT IS ENOUGH?

Former child sitcom star Willie Aames recently joined the crew of an Oceania cruise ship as an assistant cruise director, according to several news sources.  While 8 (inches) might be enough for most people, Willie is rumoured to have 10 and a half (inches) — and that ain’t no fish story.  It’s part of the reason why pencil-dicked Scott Baio hated him so much and why he had a hard time taping down that ding dong when he wore the skin tight Bible Man outfit.

You may recall Mr. Aames as Tommy Bradford in the sitcom Eight is Enough.  He starred in a few movies and some other T.V. shows.  At one point, he was reportedly making a million dollars a year, but a huge penis and a cute smile didn’t do the trick.

“He could have done porn with that giant thing,” said a source who used to pal around with Willie.  “It was gigantic but he was just a nice guy who went mental when his career went nowhere.  He totally could have turned to porn but instead he turned to God and what good did that do him?  His thing looked even more gigantic than it already was because he’s kind of short so it looked hugeron him even though it’s already gigantic.  Willie Aames has a really big dick, but it’s never done him any good.”

But the make-believe life of young Tommy Bradford was in stark contrast to the real life woes of the well hung Willie Aames.  He fell into some serious hard times, due to alcohol and drugs.  The bank foreclosed on his house, his wife left him for a guy who had to have a smaller ding-a-ling, and he became homeless.  In 2008, he attempted suicide by cutting his throat after drinking a cocktail of Jack Daniels and pills while alone in a hotel room but the doctors said that so much reserve blood was filled within Willie Aames hue penis that it saved his life.

“His penis  was like a reservoir for blood,” said Dr. Judith Traherne MD, a doctor who specializes in neck wounds.  “His penis held about 2 pints even when soft and that saved him from dying.  One male nurse held the penis up and that made the blood go to his brain.  The male nurse was not asked to hold onto Willie Aames’ penis, but he said he couldn’t resist — and that’s what saved him.”

He is now clean and living a sober life. Good for him.  But I am having a hard time imagining what the cruise line’s human resources department was thinking when they read his resume:  Child star, drug addict, born again Christian, ordained minister, furniture builder, suicide survivor, financial advisor, and bankruptcy petitioner and huge penis under-achiever.

“Usually guys like Willie Aames – goodlooking guys with gigantic penises, are self-confident and cocky,” said Dr. Traherne.  “For some reason, Willie Aames and his large penis were both under-achievers.  You don’t see that too often in medicine.”

Working on a cruise ship is a stressful job.  Let’s keep our fingers crossed and pray that Mr. Aames finds redemption on the high seas.  He really should have gone to the Gay Atlantis Cruise Lines and just walked around in a speedo.  He’d be making a lot more money.  That thing was supposed to be GIANT!  It was so big that on the set of Eight is Enough, Dick Van Patten, the guy who played the dad, insisted that nobody call him “Dick” on the set.  He insisted that everyone call him Richard because he believed that the only true Dick on the show was Willie Aames.