THE TOP 5 MOST UNFUNNY COMEDIANS IN THE USA.
1) Joe Rogan — This guy is the epitome of unfunny. The reasons why he is unfunny are vague, and the vagueness explains why his handful of fans are so mercilessly dedicated to him. He’s “squirmy unfunny” — like Howard Stern used to be if you listen to his old stuff — and that’s where Rogan belongs. He belongs on Howard Stern circa 1989 — that’s how far his comedy has progressed. He doesn’t need me to tell him that. The fact that he had to feed people worms and let them lie in tubs full of scorpions is more than ample testament to his failed quest at getting himself some recognition. His standup act is pitiful — it’s sad. And he has a thin skin. He sicks his fans after you if you make fun of him in a blog. He actually cares that I don’t like him. Can you imagine?
2) Sarah Silverman — She is only listed as non funny because she thinks she is a standup comic. She’s a very untalented and shticky and unfunny standup, but she’s actually quite good as a comedic actress. If she had stuck to being a quirky and comedic actress she would have had the longevity of comedic actresses like Alice Ghostly, Laurie Metcalf, Vivian Vance or any really funny movie and TV actor/comediennes you can remember — But she prefers instead to say dirty words on Comedy Central, so her career is doomed. Her performance on “Monk” as Mister Monk’s loony crazed fan was great — she should have stuck to that stuff. Her humor otherwise is not so much tactless as it is pushy and nervy and yukky dirty. In other words, she tries to talk dirty like a guy talking dirty and that never works for a female comic. She’s not even close to funny as a standup — not even a little bit, but she’s very talented as a comedic actress. Go figure.
3) Janeane Garafalo – Not funny — never was funny – not cool or slick or edgy or quirky or observant or interesting or likeable or admirable or chuckle-able or anything resembling funny. Note that all the things I listed are all the things Garafalo thinks she is — but she isn’t — not one bit. She is just a miserable and unhappy and socially withdrawn misfit from white trash-ville Newton, NJ ( you can’t believe how white trash that town is) who is mean-spirited and politically moronic beyond all human comprehension. She has that Rachel Maddow “I’m so smart” sound to her voice, but she’s not smart. She’s an impostor — and she’s getting really old. She’s actually an amazing idiot when it comes to politics and she inserts that idiotic and moronic political activism into her act where it rarely gains unfunny momentum from anyone but her fellow misfits. She was probably a miserable little bitch in the school yard — nobody liked her then and nobody really likes her now. This is why she puts on that oh-so-fake “I am so bored” kind of thing she has going on. She belongs on Air America — especially now that it’s really just air. Unlike Sarah Silverman, Garafalo — who has done much more acting than Silverman — is actually an unfunny and totally untalented actress. She does not have Sarah Silverman‘s uniqueness — she‘s a nothing. She totally sucks at everything she does. She’s in a kind of hibernation now because there are not enough Republicans in office to give her an act. She can’t get work because 50% of Americans WILL NOT WATCH anything she’s in — she’s hated — that must really suck. Producers are nice to her and everybody pats her on the back, but anybody with a dime to invest in a project never hires her. She has no audience.
4) Ricky Gervais – It pains me to include this frigging ugly-horrible-misfit because he’s not an American comic per se, but he has been trying as hard as he can to break into the American comedy market — because that’s where the money is — but he can’t make it. He cannot break through. He’s a failure — a complete failure. He is thoroughly unlikable and thoroughly unfunny in every way a person can be unlikable and unfunny. His job as a comic is to make you laugh, but then he challenges you with this extreme and insulting atheism — which of course is only done to try and court favor with the American misfits who think that it’s cool to piss on the religious beliefs of others. Naturally, his beef is only against the Christian religion or Jesus Christ because, like I said, he is trying to break into the American market and making a mockery of Christians is perfectly acceptable in Hollywood. Gervais would not dare monkey with Judaism and then even think for a moment that he could go on to find success in Hollywood, so he stuck with the tried and true Jesus angle — and still he failed. Also, if he makes a mockery of Islam he’ll get killed whilst walking down a London street and he won‘t even see it coming. In fact, I would gladly point him out. Yes, I would tell a crazy terrorist, “You see that blubbery faced guy over there? He’s the guy who made mean jokes about Allah.” No — sorry — I don’t care what show he has written or what he has done — he is a failure in the USA. He is NOT LIKED in the States because when his humor failed, he tried to shock — that’s really OLD — and that’s the end of that. He has to simply go away and take his fat and paunchy and doughy and ugly and lesbian-looking face back to England. It’s really freaky that a guy from England who makes it big enough to even dip his toe in the American world of comedy would turn out to be so NOT funny. Brits are always funny — I guess he’s the exception. The name Gervais seems strangely French so maybe he has French genes. That would totally explain the unfunny-ness and obnoxiousness and ugliness and sickening-ness of this blob who looks like a female to male transsexual.
5) Kathy Griffin — This is sad because it’s not nice to make fun of an old lady who is physically malformed and ugly, but she is mercilessly cruel to people under the guise of “it’s all comedy” so I feel okay about talking shit about her. Kathy Griffin is a has-been of monumental proportions — and sadly, she used to be funny. How did she go from being funny to being a sickening monster? That’s a good question, but even her gay fans — upon whom she relies for most of her support — aren’t showing up anymore. That’s gotta be a bad sign. Maybe the gay hicks in the Midwest still show up but they’re too stupid to realize that this old sack of shit looks down on everything and everybody between New York and Los Angeles. She forgets that she’s just a Shanty Irish shit pile. She used to be funny because she steered away from politics and took potshots at celebrities, but then she got all political and left wing and started — and never stopped — with the Sarah Palin stuff — and then continued with that nastiness by directing her unfunny shit at Palin’s children. That’s something a desperate and out of touch person does. It’s loony. In my opinion I think she drinks — think about it. Celebrities — the really big ones — do not like her — they REALLY DO NOT LIKE HER. The thing she had going for her is that the American people were on her side because everybody loves celebrity dishing. But then this stupid malformed little plastic surgery junky starts to go all anti-Christian and all liberal and whadda ya know — she loses half her fans — what a frigging idiot. It’s also important to note here that Kathy Griffin’s alienation of a big chunk of her fan base coincides with the fact that ran out of jokes in 2006. She belongs on a the top of a Staten Island mound of garbage…and even there she’d still be an ugly old sack of shit.
Written for http://www.TheDamienZone.com by Damien LeGallienne.