Dead Dolphins Washing Up On New Jersey Beaches. Here’s Why.

dolpho“Okay, so why can’t people understand simple facts about nature, you ask —? 

Well — in view of the fact that I am trying to keep this as simple as possible — many people cannot understand anything about anything because they are too stupid and lazy and mentally limited to pick up a book or take out a computer and look up the facts from reliable sources! 

One writer for a major newspaper went so far as to described the dolphins as being ‘deceased.’  Dead dolphins are not DECEASED.  Human beings are deceased.  Dead dolphins are DEAD.” 

NOTE TO ANY DOLPHINS WHO MIGHT BE READING:  If you are feeling a little under the weather, be mindful to not swim off the coast of New Jersey.  Heaven forbid that you should die on a beach in New Jersey.   Please…I am begging you…even if you are coughing up blood from your blow hole…try to make it to Delaware or Maryland.   You can do it.  Die with dignity.

[NJ USA] – There is no doubt that many human beings are seriously stupid and incapable of learning or understanding even the most rudimentary facts of life and death, but there’s a place in the USA where the stupid people might have gotten the edge.

That place is called New Jersey USA, and a recent rash of dolphin deaths and strandings on the southern coast of New Jersey — close to where Snooki and Mike The Situation once smushed — has prompted a flood of human dumbness and maudlin simpleton-ism the likes of which is worthy of a full scientific study by psychologists throughout the world.

Yes, it’s sad for the dolphins that they got sick and died, but I like to think the poor creatures gave up their lives in an attempt to expose the extreme dumbness of the average person.

Hopefully, anthropologists will stumble upon this blog entry a thousand years from now and have a good laugh at just how DUMB some people used to be back in the old days.

Anyway, dolphins are called marine mammals. They are not fish.  They need to breath air and in many ways they are just like humans except they are dolphins.  Like the humans with whom they share about 99% of the same DNA, dolphins are born, they live, they get sick or old or injured, and they die. End of story, right?  Oh, if only it were that easy to explain.

I know this all sounds overly simplistic, but just look at what I am dealing with here. What are the odds that a moron from coastal New Jersey will read this? Probably very slim, but in case one does, I will be doing a service to mankind by making this as simple as possible.

DOLPHO 2Human beings often die from a disease called Morbillivirus — that’s the scientific word for MEASLES.  Dolphins — because they are mammals like people — get measles too, but in dolphins the virus is a little different and it cannot cause disease in humans.  There is nothing sneaky or evil or diabolical about this virus.  It is what it is and that’s all anyone needs to know for the purposes of this story.

If a person who is not inoculated against measles comes into contact with another person who has the illness, or is a carrier of the measles virus, there is a good chance that he or she will come down with the disease.  It’s like catching a cold.  Thanks to science and study, we now know that one does not catch a cold from having wet socks.  One catches a cold because a virus was spread from another person who had a cold.  So far this is pretty simple and basic, right?

Sometimes, however,  people die from measles, and it was not so long ago that measles killed a lot of human beings. Measles was a fearful disease back before modern medical scientists (those evil people who do research and make evil drugs and autism-causing vaccinations inside a secret  laboratory disguised as a giant volcanic island) found a way to vaccinate people against it.

Over the past several weeks, a lot of dolphins — something like 170 — have washed up dead on the east coast beaches of the USA. Sadly a lot of these dead dolphins had the great misfortune of washing up on the coast of New Jersey.  Yes, Virginia, there is a fate worse than death.

Dying is bad enough, but if you listen to the dopey comments from some of the natives, washing up on the Jersey shore is about as low as any man or beast can go.  It’s demeaning.

When the Mafia whacks out some guy and then dumps that dead guy overboard with weights attached to his feet, they’re not weighing him down to keep that body from surfacing. They’re doing it because they don’t want his body to wash up on the Jersey shore.  It’s some kind of professional courtesy or something.

But I digress.

Naturally, it must be very gruesome to be walking on the beach with your clueless family and come upon the remains of a dead and rotting dolphin carcass, but that’s what sometimes happens when a marine mammal gets sick and dies.

Most of the time these things happen far from the reaches of human eyes, but every now and then a rotted and bloated dolphin dies and floats up onto the beach near a greasy sausage and peppers griddle in Seaside Heights or some other hell hole.

It’s an awful smell to be sure, and it’s sad for the kids to see too, but that’s what happens when a pod (pack) of dolphins with no immunity to the dolphin measles, comes into contact with a dolphin who is infected with the Morbillivirus. Thankfully, not all dolphins get measles and die, but enough of them will die and wash ashore to get noticed. The ones who survive the disease are immune for life and go on to procreate the species.  This has been happening for eons.  Is that so hard to understand?

Well, for a lot of dolphin-illiterate people and many joyous conspiracy theorists, it’s pretty much impossible to understand. In fact, in the mind of the terminally unscientific idiot, a dolphin or a whale or a walrus,  cannot simply get sick and die.  It’s not possible — it would make too much sense.

The average know-nothing only sees the grotesque, bloated, stinking, fly-infested corpse on the sand and assumes that the evil hand of man must have had something to do with this tragedy.  It’s some kind of psychosis or something.  Al Gore — in spite of his good intentions — has really messed up human sanity about some very basic things.  His “brand” has trickled down and contaminated more human brains than any disease known to man.

Most of the dummies in New Jersey who are tracking this perfectly natural situation have accused the United States Navy of killing the dolphins with sonar waves and experimental death rays and engine noises.  No — I am not joking.  This is what a lot of people believe.  If you’re one of those people, the finger paints are in the closet at the back of the room.  Now, go draw yourself  a pretty dolphin and hang it up on grandma’s refrigerator.

A lot of people don’t understand that cute and cuddly dolphins can get sick and die from natural diseases just like people.  Yeah, it sucks that there is disease on this planet, and that lovely animals and wonderful people die from them, but that’s what you got when you agreed to the terms and conditions of this thing called LIFE.

Ironically, it’s the “evil United States Navy” who did the research that led to the discovery of a  vaccine that helps protect our flippery friends from measles.  That’s the real truth, but please, don’t tell that to the crazies who insist that the Navy kills dolphins with lasers and death beams.  They’ll think you work for the CIA (very real) or the Knights Templar (now fake) or the Illuminati (very fake)– or whatever other cockamamie and stupid thing they can conjure.

A lot of really dumb people cannot understand that marine mammals — even Flipper — get sick and die.  The uninformed choose to blame global warming (prob’ly fake) – global cooling (prob’ly fake) — jet contrail emissions (totally fake) — military experiments (a few mine-sniffers might have been blown up)– human chemicals (possible but very not likely) — and all the other usual suspects onto which the kooks of the world cling for answers to questions that are easily answerable if they’d only take the time to learn.

Many of these conspiracy theorists who love dolphins so much cannot grasp the fact that these incredible animals contracted a disease that is common in dolphins and then died from that disease.

One woman from New Jersey wrote into a New Jersey news website with this bold lettered, not-so-brilliantly spelled and oddly un-and-overly-punctuated comment:


Wow!  This genius says she has the “right to an autopsy.”  Does she know that it’s going to hurt unless she waits until she’s dead to get one?  Oh wait, she was talking about doing an autopsy on the dolphin.  For crying out loud, lady, there is no such thing as an autopsy on a dolphin because a dolphin is not a human being.  The word is NECROPSY. When an animal dies and a veterinarian wants to find out what killed that animal, they do a necropsy.  LOOK UP THE WORD!

Ah, what’s the use?  She wouldn’t have spelled it correctly anyway.

Okay, so why can’t people understand simple facts about nature, you ask.  Well — in view of the fact that I am trying to keep this as simple as possible — many people cannot understand much of anything because they are too stupid and lazy and mentally limited to pick up a book or take out a computer and look up the facts from reliable sources!

One news writer even described the dolphins as being ‘deceased.’ Dead dolphins are not DECEASED.  Human beings are deceased.  Dead dolphins are DEAD.   Can you imagine the stupidity of a guy who is hired to write for a newspaper?  No wonder kids today are so stupid.

The FACTS are too complicated for them, but the facts are really easy — and that’s a fact.  FACTS make life so much more interesting.  Isn’t it better to know that that sky is blue because of the effects of photons on the earth’s atmosphere than to spend a lifetime thinking that fairies in heaven sprinkle the sky with robin’s eggs and poppy flowers?

Here are a few more moronic comments from “readers”  along with my comments.  Enjoy the dumbness.

“Why isn’t the public being provided with real autopsy reports on these dolphins? It smells like a cover up. This is a lot of animals to be dying at once, even with a virus. Where are the actual reports?”  <—-there goes that autopsy word again.

“So, which Riverhead employee gave you that interview? How typical of them. Now in regard to this die off it is indeed a cover up that will be blamed on virus. Do you know that morbillivirus is present naturally in wild populations without causing die offs and mass mortalities? The causes of this die off are man-made. These dolphins died because of Navy exercises involving sonar and whatnot, but the virus will be blamed because it is a usual scapegoat in these cases. NOAA gives the Navy permits and it is NOAA that investigates the cases, the conflict of interests is glaring. The Navy spokesperson did not deny the use of sonar either, just stated that there was no change in frequency of use and no increase of use, but did not deny the use per se.” <— I especially liked this one because it’s a rare example of the moron who actually looks things up and still maintains a moron’s status.  She also accused me of belonging to something called “Riverhead” and the NOAA which even I won’t bother to look up because I fear the stupidity I might encounter.  

She continued — “Shill harder, Riverhead. But it is indeed a waste of time arguing with you. No independent necropsy was done, and morbillivirus positive titer is not exactly the same thing as an outbreak. By the way, there was also significant military activity in 80s when the first die off happened. NOAA never blames the Navy for anything, last year Cape Cod massive stranding was brushed off too, 170+ dolphins stranded, NOAA did not even bother to declare UME. What a joke!” <— Now I am a shill for something called Riverhead, and she mentions that dolphin die-offs began in the 1980s because of US Navy experiments.  Did you know that prior to the 1980s dolphins never got sick – EVER– and they all lived to be 3000 years old and they told their children lovely and enchanting stories with whistles and clicks?  Did you know that?    What an idiot — and she has facts.  Of course they’re fake facts, but they are HER facts and that’s all she needs to know.

Listen, there is nothing wrong with loving dolphins.  They are awesome creatures and they deserve every ounce of respect and consideration.  It’s important to note, however, that the best way to show love and compassion for dolphins is to learn about them — just enough so you uderstand the REAL things that can bring harm to them.  Things like tuna nets and mass killings by crazy people.  Don’t get mad at measles.  It doesn’t help anything.


Damien LeGallienne reporting from

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15 thoughts on “Dead Dolphins Washing Up On New Jersey Beaches. Here’s Why.

  1. First of all I would like to say your ignorance gave me a good laugh. You can always tell who the closed minded, under schooled, one track idiots are when they spend more time insulting other people than they do talking about the topic at hand. I read your article and I am not disagreeing with the possibility of measles being the reason the 100 or so dolphins died. The FACT is even the scientist that are investigating the deaths are not 100% so you can not leave anything off the table. It is possible that a military experiment could have lead to their death it would be very naive to think that our military is not capable of accidentally or even purposely killing 100 dolphins in an experiment so stop insulting people that might believe that is what happened. It sounds to me like you are trying your hardest to be just like most of MSM and focus on one theory disregarding all others no matter how feasible they may be. You will never be able to force your opinions on people it is idiotic to think otherwise. That is right I said opinion because that is all it is. Unless you drive your lazy ass to the beach fetch yourself one of the dead dolphins and test it yourself. So stop insulting people for their opinions because there is always going to be someone that is more intelligent than you that comes along and make you look like an idiot.

  2. I was just checking out the rest of your site when I noticed how horrible it is. It looks like something put together by a 12 year old overnight. One of my skills is web design so if you want to at least look like your smarter than a 12 year old I could design a site for you at a cost. Cash up front.

  3. Yes thank you — and you’re going to get me more than the 1,000,000 unique visits per year that I get in spite of the fact that my site was designed by a 12 year old kid?

  4. Bob White — YOU ARE WRONG! I interveiwed the same people during the Gowanus Canal dolphin stranding and I got mail just like this — and when all was said and done, guess who turned out to be right? ME and the marine biologists who had been accused of “letting the poor thing die in agony’ !! Do you know why my take on the situation was and is right? Two reasons: 1) I know who to talk to. I talk to the cream of the crop of experts. 2) I am never wrong. If I thought I was .0001% wrong I would not have written the piece. People are morons. They hear hoofbeats and blame it on UFO zebras.

  5. Hey Bob — you do things for cash, huh? Does the IRS know that on top of being a moron, you moonlight as a tax evading web designer in Point Saint Lucie?

  6. I never said I disagree with you in fact my exact words were “I am not disagreeing with the possibility of measles being the reason the 100 or so dolphins died.” I actually did not give my opinion in the matter because I have no clue. The point I was trying to get across is that you yourself do not know for 100% fact that this is the cause not even the Biologists know for sure so how could you. Another thing is that usually when people base their articles on information they have received the authors tend to list some of their sources. This way the article is more convincing and looks professional.

    I am not saying that you never talked to anyone or that you are not a marine biologist I have. What I am saying is that you are ignorant. To insult people just because they have a different theory is childish. I am sure you get visitors but I doubt you would like what they are thinking when read your articles. It is a laugh at best no one could possibly take you seriously even if you are right. I am wondering how many return visitors you get because I am sure once people visit your site it is probably their first and last time .

    You have no clue who I am or where I am lol. How would you know if I pay my taxes or not? I actually own a PC repair company and have been in business for almost 10 years now. I am required by law to record and hand in all of my monetary transactions. I would not stay in business very long if I did not. I do not take threats very well and I too can find out info about people. I on the other hand have been doing it much longer than you.

    Don’t you think it is hypocritical of you to accuse me of Tax Fraud when your company is tied to a fraud investigation? Maybe I have said to much.

    Either way stop insulting people for their opinions. Other than that I don’t care what you say. Everyone knows New Jersey sucks but they got theirs or did you not know about Hurricane Sandy? So lay off.

  7. Bob — in three years of blogging, I have learned that the only way to make a point when dealing with silly, childish ignorant people (especially moronic animal rights fuktards) is to sink to their level. If I am nice and infromative and educational, I get more shit from shitty and stupid people. When I am dealing with morons, I have to treat them like what they are. This is no wiggle room — none!

    thank you for your intelligent response it spite of my animosity.
    Damien LeGallienne

  8. PS — My IRS remarks were aimed at a neighbour who insults my blog and then offers to work on it “off the books” — I am getting sick of him. And what do you mean when you say “my company is tied to a fraud investigation?” I don’t even have a company. I pay a monthly fee to have a blog and it does very well. 2,948,000 uique visits since 2011 — kindly don’t talk down to me. You will loose.

  9. I agree with Bob. This is this first time I’ve viewed this site and I will not return. Why would I waste my few minutes of quiet time reading the thoughts and views of someone as arrogant as you? I clicked the link to read an article about dolphins, what I actually read was how you think you’re better than everyone else, no one on the face of this planet could ever be as smart as you, some else’s sources are crap because you say, but your sources are not to be questioned. Whatever, Dude. You must have loads of free time if you spend so much of it judging other people. I’m actually kind of sad for you 🙁

  10. You will not return to the site, Shellaine, because you don’t want to learn or you can’t learn. You fear truth and knowledge. It has nothing to do with my alleged arrogance — it’s about you.

  11. Saddest day on Earth: when the mouthbreathers discovered there was an online world outside of AOL and Myspace. Now we have to deal with “ZOMG!! Teh NAVY iz killing dolphinz!! (because as you *all* know, this nation’s biggest enemy is sea-going mammals and we need to be prepared for the upcoming war against the evil Pinniped Empire)…”

    How do they keep straight faces when typing this stuff…..

  12. I just stumbled across this article that was linked from another, couple years late, but it confirmed what I’ve always thought about New Jerseyites. I HATE to generalize, but sometimes you have to, because it ‘s true. There’s something weird going on in that state. I hope it’s not contagious.
    Thanks for your article, it gave me a laugh. I will be back.!

  13. Ah~
    The Damian Zone.
    The place where I come to when I want to feel right back at school where the non-debate club debate club members, aka people trying to show-off heels they cant manga, turn on their entertainer button
    No, offence intended, its very nice, pls go om.

    BDW- Some loopholes. at points here and in the pitbull snake piece, you say others are moron/someone did wrong because of something, then you do that something(eg. specify some data. Decreases the feeling of reliability. Pls check on that if possible

  14. You spelled everything incorrectly and you made no sense. Somehow I know that you are some Third World moron.

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