Gay Marriage Will Lead to Enslavement of Humanity by Ducks Warns Homeschooled Teen

 “Ducks always nest in pairs and if we allow same-sex marriage, then the ducks will have evolved further than we have.” Ipso facto an Orwellian dystopia will emerge, “with ducks more equal than us.” [Jasmine – a fake kid from New Zealand]

Either the people in Canterbury, New Zealand are outrageously stupid and they don’t know a Canterbury Tale when they see one, or the people who write for their newspaper — the Northern Outlook — need to find another line of work like….

And wouldn’t you know — for the life of me I don’t know what a stupid job in New Zealand would be —  but they have to have something stupid — oh yes — harness racing.  They have harness racing and that’s a REALLY stupid job because all the horses who can’t go fast or get lame, go to the meat market and get eaten by starving Maoris.  (I think that’s how you spell it, but who gives a shit.)

So anyway, that dopey newpaper way down there where the toilet water spins the wrong way and they have not yet invented Scrubbing Bubbles that can wipe off shit stains when the water spirals counter-clockwise, the local newspaper got a “letter” from a home-schooled girl named Jasmine.  Naturally the latter is fake, but some dingo eating dope had to write the story — and for that stupidity I have to lash out.

The letter was rather interesting because it was different from letters they usually get from regular school kids in New Zealand. 

This one was not about “How Many Spring Lambs I Slaughterd On My Summer Vacation” or “How I Slit My Spring Lamb’s Throat With My Teeth On My Summer Vacation Which Is Really Winter Vacation in the Real Hemisphere.”  No, this one was a bit different — it was about how homosexuality is going to allow humans to be taken over by ducks. Yes — someday we will all be enslaved by ducks — but the homosexuals are the cause of this.

“I urge all gay men to eat as much Peking Duck as they can,” said Cryptozoologist Mildred Sclafani from her office in Lake Ronkonkoma, New York. 

“The gays like food like that anyway, and right here in my town we have great Long Island duck.  Gays should eat as much as they can to try to make up for the biological imbalance they have caused by shacking up and same-sex nesting and thereby empowering duck dominance. 

“Statistically, for every gay bar in use, there should be 1,000 duck eaten by gays.  That will settle the burp in evolution.  There is nothing we can do about lesbians — they are boring and ducks would never try to use them as slaves.”

The little fake girl who penned the letter has been home-schooled.  Let me tell you what it means to be home-schooled in New Zealand.  It means you know how to read a little, mate, and you know how to kill lambs.  Mums down under do not teach social sciences or biology or psychology — but you wouldn’t know that as far as little Jasmine is concerned.  She’s a freaking genius — even though she is a fake child.

Jasmine — in her fake letter  — said that ducks nest in pairs — male and female pairs.  If humans start to nest in same sex pairs, that will mean that ducks are more advanced socially than humans.  This, in Jasmine’s opinion, will lead to the destruction of human culture where the world will be dominated by ducks who will enslave whatever is left of the human race. 

I think Jasmine, in spite of her fakeness, is quite right.  Ducks will rule and the gays will be forced into jobs like working retail stores and working in flower shops and pottery places — and other slave-related jobs.

“Although Jasmine’s letter is a hoax, the erstz theory Jasmine puts forth in that home-schooled letter can very well happen within the next 10 million years,” said Dr. Dean Trahern MD of the University of Auklands School For Avian and Aquatic Sexuality.

“Ducks are already causing gay bars and clubs to close and many gay encounters have been interrupted by a probing bill and teh ruffling of Feathers.  The gay bar Feathers, a popular night spot in Northen New Jersey, USA is called Feathers because it is run by the duck underground — a mallard mafia of sorts.

“I can see it happening now and over the long run, gay marriage will indeed lead to the taking over of the world by avian species who mate in pairs.  It’s not only ducks who will rule the world, it will be herons and eiders and loons too — although loons already rule the earth in one way or another.”

So, while the letter from Jasmine in New Zealand was a fake and the newspaper that printed the letter is stupid, the theory put forth by an imaginary, home-schooled little Kiwi has lots of merit according to a doctor who would know.  They say that a “child shall lead them” but they didn’t say the child wouldn’t be fictional.

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