The cast of Jersey Shore did not get the rousing welcome or splash of news attention they thought they would get when they went to Italy this month so they decided to stage a car crash with a cop car. These Guidos and Guidettes will do anything for attention
They say there is no such thing as bad press but this time there might be bad press and then some– and an Italian Judge is ready to throw the book at them.
Seems that the REAL Italians don’t like these Jersey Shore folks one bit — they are very not amused.
“The people in Italy are embarrassed by these ill-bred Americans who come from Italian peasant stock,” said a source close to the Italian Ministry.
“We do not want them here and we thought we’d made that apparent by ignoring them, but now this car crash fiasco will land them in a lot of hot water — and don’t make a joke about pasta just because I said hot water because that’s all you stupid Americans think about when you think of Italians — Pasta pasta pasta and pizza pizza pizza!.
“Nobody was paying any attention to these descendants of Ellis Island huddled masses, and a judge had issued an edict prior to their arrival that anyone who gave them food or shelter while they were here would be dealt with as criminals who violated the law by ‘Contributing To The Degradation of Italian Culture.’ We have laws against that. Mussolini’s dead and mutilated body was trampled in the streets and pissed on because he violated that law — and a few other things.
“Maybe now a few people are getting a charge out of this, but the average Italian is very angry and we’ll make those stupid idiots starve to death before we give in to this idea that Italians, the blood of the true Roman heritage, are like Snooki or Pauly D or The Situation. Okay, so maybe they have better abs than Michelangelo’s statue of David or even Raphael’s Christ, but that doesn’t give them the right to run amuck in our country. They are lucky the Pope isn’t Italian, otherwise they would be burned at the stake as heretics. This Pope is German and he likes to see Italians look like assholes.”
Oh geez! MTV thought that it would be a good idea to send the cast to Italy and raise European awareness of the hit TV show, but what they didn’t know was there was already European awareness, and in Italy most of the public consciousness was very negative. They are not proud of these Americans of Italian ancestry because the average Italian man in the street is humiliated by Italian stereotypes that have nothing to do with Italy. Edie Falco, because of her connections with “The Sopranos” is not even allowed in Italy. There is a warrant for her arrest for stereotyping Italians as pushy, stupid, liberal, left-wing loud-mouth broads. Kay Ballard, however, an Italian-American comedienne and actress is very welcome as long as she doesn’t talk about her Lesbianism.
“They call themselves Italiano and they talk with their hands like apes who learn sign language,” said Marco Brunello, a director at Italy’s biggest cable TV Conglomerate.
“There is nothing in Italy that is Italian in the way that is depicted by MTV and the people on Jersey Shore. The show is a disgrace to Italians and a joke to describe Americans — and for the most part, the Italians who went to the United States at the turn of the century were poor and stupid — these Guidos are their descendants and they’re garbage. It’s a lot like the way people are in Australia. Sure they have accomplished a lot, but peasant stock is peasant stock — we don’t want them here in Rome. ”
MTV made a big mistake sending the Guidos and Guidettes to Rome because Brunello’s statement reflect the opinion of just about every Italian with whom we spoke.
“They should have sent those Jersey Shore low-lifes to France,” said a source close to the Italian Embassy. “In France they love the fact that Italians are portrayed as barbarians on a big TV scale. Nothing makes a Frenchman happier than to see Italians and Americans both looking like stupid idiots. Jersey Shore is a huge hit in France but the Italians pretend that it does not exist. If the Guidos had gone to France they would have been welcomed as conquering heroes. MTV really screwed up.”
So now the cast is being accused of staging this car accident to get attention and Snooki is walking around Rome wearing a neck brace for no apparent reason.
“When this goes before a judge,” said Brunello as he hastily downed a Campari and orange juice, “he will throw the book at them and Snooki might be looking at 5-years behind bars. This isn’t a joke because you don’t come to Italy and make a fool out of us. They’re going to be very sorry they did this.”