“I was making mony-gawts (Italian-American dialect for Manicotti) in the kitchen and my husband Lou was working in our giant zucchini garden when I heard my husband scream out,” said Connie Longero of Victory Kill, Staten Island, NY, USA.
“He screams a lot when he’s doing whatever he does with those zucchinis, but this time it was a different scream and I was like, ma-dawn (Italian-American dialect shout-out for the Virgin Mary) — I was pretty freaking worried so I ran out onto the deck my brother-in-law Gino made for us last year as an anniversary present. That freaking deck is only 2 miles from ground zero — maybe even less.”
“The first thing I worried about was that one of my grand-kids fell into the Raritan bay god forbid, but then he said that there was a body washing up on the beach. He said it was Osama Bin Laden. I thought he was jerking me around because you don’t know my husband — he’s a freakin ball buster, but I went outside and sure enough Osama Bin Laden’s body was right on our backyard beach (actually a mud flat).
“I freaked out and called the cops but they told us to just get a pole and push him back in, but we only had a giant goo-goo-tzeel (dialect for zucchini) so we used that.”
It seems that Osama Bin Laden’s body got caught in a rare oceanic current known as the Trans-Egyptian Cornwall and Staten Island Movement or TEC-SIM as it is known by marine biologists.
“We knew that the TEC-SIM has been very active this year,” said Dr. Benjamin Switchy, an expert in ocean currents and tides.
“Our estimates show that Bin Laden’s body traveled at least 13 nautical miles per hour once it was dumped overboard. The current is not visible at the surface and occurs only at a depth of 400 feet. Once the body sank to that level it got caught in the TECSIM current and went on a wild ride. It swirled in the Atlantic off the coast of England and then headed directly towards Staten Island, New York. Once it arrived in the Raritan Bay that laps up onto Staten Island, the water became shallow and the body gently lilted onto the sand — actually only the people in Staten Island call it sand — we call it dirt.”
The body was in remarkable condition and before they pushed it back out into the water with the zucchini, the Longero family posed for a picture with it.
“I had to stand in the water up to my ankles and hold him up a little,” said Lou Longero.
“My kids loved it. God bless America is all I can say. I’m just a little annoyed that the US Army people came and wouldn’t let us keep the pictures, but they stayed for some mony-gawts (manicotti) and meatballs. Then we had coffee with gon-awls (canolis). All in all it was a good day and I feel blessed that I got to kick Bin Laden in the head by the shore outside my back door. It was freaking a gift from god and that kick in the head was my way of telling this jid-rule (Italian dialect for retard) that he got what he deserved.”
Experts expect that the body will drift out to deeper water and again sink into the current.
“It might wash up in Seaside Height’s, New Jersey in a few days until it hits the rapid TEC-SIM current again. If it washes up in Seaside Heights, we ask that all Guidos and people with metal detectors, should keep pushing it back into the water until it catches the out-going currents. Eventually the body will reach the central Atlantic where it will sink once and for all.
“Connie Longero was happy to do her patriotic part when she helped push the body of Bin Laden back into the surf.
“I was happy to see the son of a bitch with a hole in his head. It got me so angry that when I went back into the house to wash the silt off my feet, I made sure my moni-gawts (manicotti) was extra special because this was an extra special day for Staten Island. God bless America for chrissakes is all I can say.”