Glenn Beck wants to take back America….to Nordstrom’s.

“Why not,” said the blockheaded Glenn Beck from the big mall at Alexandria, Virginia.   “Nordstroms will take back anything —  even if it is over 200 years old.

There was a lot of hoopla over Beck’s recent rally in Washington, DC.  People thought he was doing this or that or that perhaps he had some great agenda but in reality all he was trying to “bring back” was the whole country because it didn’t fit him and he figured that Nordstrom’s would take it since they take back anything.

Nordstrom’s lived up to its reputation and plans are now being made at Nordstrom’s to take back America.

“We will be needing a lot of trucks –maybe a billion, ” said Julius Bamberger, the owner of Nordstrom’s who also works at the returns counter on weekends. 

 “We are not sure where we can store all of America and we are still calculating what we will have to pay Mr. Beck but there seems to be a bit of a conundrum.

“You see, if Glenn returns America to Nordstrom’s, then Nordstrom’s itself will be part of the return and you’ll have to be a physicist or something to figure out the numbers on that.  It might turn out that Glenn owes us money — we’re not quite sure.”

Nordstrom’s has opened a 1,00,000 square mile  warehouse in Antarctica where it can store America until it either gets resold or gets sent back to the factory.  The holding company has already bought every airplane and truck in the world.  Maine, Vermont and New Hampshire have already been returned and millions of people have found themselves wandering around inside a huge dome filled with food processors and  clothes from the 1960s.   

“I was making pancake with maple syrup I got in back yaaaad,” said Sam Bluer of Franconia.  “Then some guys came and packed up my house, my trees, my dirt, my grand kids and my wife and my caaaaah .  I didn’t even get to eat them there-a  pancakes.”

So Glenn Beck has made his dream come true but now where will he shop?

“I’m going to buy all my clothes in Liberia,” said Beck “I do that to show my support for all the African slaves who went there way back when they still had a chance.  I am doing that to honor Dr. King and to honor all African Americans and that big man made of marble up there on the steps behind me.” 

Unfortunately Becks patriotic  statement did not have the impact he thought it would have, because when he turned around to that “big man made of marble” it was already being hauled away by guys with pulleys and winches and a giant Nordstrom barge that was docked in the Potomac River.  Yes, Abe Lincoln is going to Antarctica too.

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