Genetic Scientists at the United State Institute Of Immortal First Lady Imposters have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that blockbuster motion picture director and producer James Cameron is really America’s first First Lady, Marth Washington.
“It seems that Mrs. Washington is immortal and over the past three several centuries she has had to assume several identities in order to blend in and remain anonymous,” said investigator Joan Bennett.
“We’ve been following Mr. Cameron — well actually Martha washington — for quite some time because we had reason to believe that he was actually a she and that “she” was Martha Washington.”
“I knew I was going to be found out sooner or later,” said Mrs. Washington from her home in the Hollywood Hills.
“I got interested in pictures back in 1917 when I was 516 years old but I never imagined that I would become a world famous director. I should have been less obtrusive, but the lure of Hollywood overcame me. Once the investigators started to close in on me I decided to let my hair down and let the chips fall where they may.”
“George was nice enough,” said the gray haired old woman. “Before I met him I bummed around England and France working at various jobs. I barely got out of Ireland alive because after 300 years those people start yelling ‘WITCH’ and you have to skiddadle because Catholics will burn your ass.”
“I was getting so goddam bored, ” moaned Mrs. Washington as investigators drew more vials of blood.
“I tried to escape into fantasy with my atrocious movie Avatar, but that didn’t work. I really just wanted to weave and embroider and after a while my true colors started to show. It took me way too long to make Avatar because I was also working on three tapestries that Marie Antoinette gave me for Christmas and I hadn’t unwrapped since 1786.”
“Actually, the James Cameron ruse was a little easier than the identities I have had to assume during my years in Hollywood,” continued Mrs. Washington.
“I briefly took over for Ceasar Romero in the 1930s and if you look carefully, I was Ethel Barrymore for 4 years after she was dead. I don’t know how I pulled it off but Miss Barrymore won an Acadmey Award after she’d been dead for quite some time. It’s been a real hassle, I’ll tell you that much, especially because I don’t have slaves anymore like I used to. Having to work sucks.”
James Cameron’s family, or the people who thought he was James Cameron, is shocked and hurt but his children are adjusting quickly. With only a few weeks to get used to their father actually being a 500 plus year old woman, they have taken to calling him Auntie Martha and last week they sat around the fire while Martha told them funny stories about Dolly Madison and Martin VanBuren. — oh, and by the way, James Buchanan, acoording to Mrs. Washington, was indeed gay as many historians have theorized.”
“Please, honey,” said Mrs. Washington. “That queen was getting humped by chimney sweeps in the oval office before they even had a chimney.”