“I was trying to saw off the top of a dead man’s head,” said Dr. G. “That’s my favorite part of an autopsy, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get the saw to cut through the skull. By the time I realized that something was wrong the saw kicked back and nearly cut off my hand.
“His skull was outrageously thick — even thicker than Leonardo DiCaprio’s, but this was obviously not his cause of death. He had been hit by a train but still I wanted to saw off the top of his head because, like I said, I just love doing that. I like sawing through heads. ”
Florida State Medical investigators conducted an extensive investigation into the matter fearing that perhaps that there was a head-thickening virus spreading throughout the United States, but instead they found fingerprints around the morgue that belonged to actress Sally Field. Since there was no reason for Sally Field’s fingerprints to be in that morgue – which is never open to the public – investigators went to Miss Field’s home in Beverly Hills to probe deeper.
“At first we feared that Miss Fields may have been killed and brought to the morgue as a Jane Doe,” said investigator Neil Sporin. “But when we arrived at Miss Field’s home she was fine and when we questioned her she issued a statement that led to her arrest and conviction for tampering with a corpse with intent to inflict bodily injury on a TV Medical Examiner.”
Field is being held in the Beverly Hills lock-up but she will be released once a month so she can take her Boniva.
“I hate Dr. G.,” screamed Fields from her cell at the Beverly Hills Sheriff’s lockup on Wilshire Boulevard. “I hate her and her show so much that I saved up all the BONIVA the doctor gave me last year and injected all of it into that dead man’s head. I knew that his head would get so hard that Dr. G would not be able to saw through it. I wanted to fuck up her show and I succeeded. ”
With all of the people in the world that Sally Field could hate, why did she pick on dr. Janet Garavaglio (Dr. G.)?
“Her show never uses real dead bodies,” said an angry Sally Field. “They only use actors and even the photographs they show of the person when they were alive are pictures of actors. The whole show is a fucking fake. Also there are waaaaaaay to many commercials, and when I was on The Flying Nun, we never had commercials that long — never!”
“Do you know what giving up my year’s supply of Boniva could have done to me, ” continued Fields. “I could have suffered a spinal fracture. I have this one life, and I am not going to let some shit coroner from some shit show fuck it up.”
Meanwhile, Dr. G is trying to put the pieces of her life together, and even though it will be months until she can use her hand again, she is hell bent on getting into that dead man’s head.
“As soon as I am better I am going to get the guys from Axe Men to cut through that darned thing.” said Dr. G. “I know the poor fella got hit by a train and all but I have to take off the top of his head and rip out his brains, and I am not going to let some nasty old lady with osteoporosis stop me.”
Spokesmen for Boniva were not available for comment.