Sarah Jessica Parker Kidnaps Dee Snider and Takes Over Twisted Sister.

“I’m where I should have always been,” said the gay man’s and lonely fat girl’s true  heroine ,Sarah Jessica Parker from a recording studio on Long Island.  “I should have done this a long time ago.  I feel good.  The mole on my chin has grown back and my face is growing more and more abnormally long like the doctors told my parents it would when I was born.  I’m where I want to be.”

These are pretty glib words considering that the aging star of  HBOs Sex And The City is accused of kidnapping rock legend Dee Snider of the band Twisted Sister and hiding him in an undisclosed location.  Authorities know that Snider is alive because he makes frequent cell phone calls but doesn’t know where he is except that he is in “some kind of wooden box and has provisions.”

“We think Mr. Snyder or Snider might literally be on a slow boat to China,” said Carlton Sheetz of the United States Rock Star Abduction Task Force (USRSATF).  “These freighters go all over the world and Snider could be in any one of them.”

Sheetz believes this is possible because in one call Snider describes smelling salt air and feeling sea sick.  Also the sound of a fog horn in the distance was another clue.

“The truth is that there is really not much we can do,” continued Sheetz.  “Dee Snider is really just a 3rd or 4th level rock star and we can’t justify stopping all those ships and opening all those containers.  All we can do is hope that Sarah Jessica Parker has supplied him with enough water and food to get him where he is going.  If this had been a real rock star like Mick Jagger or Gene Simmons or Rod Stewart we would have made an effort, but Sarah is doing a good job leading the band and nobody really seems to care. ”

Industry insiders say that the Task Force is allowing Sarah Jessica Parker to perform because the Snider family needs the money.  Sarah’s psychiatrist has also asked that Sarah be left alone and allowed to perform because of a recent traumatic event in her life.

“Sarah’s grotesque chin mole has grown back with a vengeance,” said Dr. Elvera DeLuca of The Beverly Hills Center for Mole and Wart Excavation. 

“Sarah is not handling this regrowth well and the way she is coping is by being a bad girl.  Eventually she will reach the acceptance stage and tell everyone where she has hidden Mr. Syder.  If we stop her now she might have a complete breakdown and then we’ll never find him.   Ugly chin mole regrowth is a very serious and sad medical problem with serious psychological ramifications, but we can pray that Mr. Snider survives his ordeal.

Shipping experts say that if Snider is indeed on a freighter, it would be terrible for him to end up in Africa or parts of the far East because his appearance will frighten the locals to death — but not as much as Sarah Jessica Parker.