Marilyn Monroe regrets that she can’t sing “Happy Birthday” to President Obama today.

The overhyped in death, sorta-slutty drug addicted Marilyn Monroe would have been 84 years old last June had she not had the misfortune of hanging around with the Kennedys and self-proclaimed acting coach guru Lee Strasberg.   Now there is nobody left to sing a breathy Happy Birthday to President Obama today — his 50th birthday. 

Some people thought it was undignified of Obama to appear on “The View” but what could have been less dignified than having that train-wreck Marilym Monroe singing Happy Birthday to President Kennedy back in 1962?  She not only was a mess at the time , (she died 2 months later) she was said to be fucking him and his brother too.  If that just don’t beat all. 

“I really fucked up my life,” said Marilyn from her house in the hereafter.  “The Strasbergs were sucking me dry of life energy and even today they make a fortune because they own the rights to my name — and the Kennedy’s, don’t get me started on them.  They had no mercy for anyone.  I heard that there are rumors Bobby had me knocked off but death is funny, you know.  One minute you’re there and the next minute you’re not and it all happens so fast.  I don’t know what happened. 

When asked about who she sees now that she is in the next world, Marilyn does not pull punches.

“I see nothing but assholes who used me.” said a still breathy Marilyn.  “Susan Strasberg hangs around because nobody ever told her that you can’t take it with you.  What the fuck does she think I’m going to do, die again and leave her my halo?

“The Kennedy’s came knocking but as soon as they saw my autopsy scar they didn’t come around anymore.  I mean, they should talk, right?  They’re all hacked to pieces with shit you can see on their heads and all.  Me, I look okay as long as I keep  myself dressed.  My face is fine.

“If only I had hung around with better people and not been so insecure I would be a nice old lady now and doing the shit that Betty White gets to do, but no, I had to get hooked on downers and booze and bad people.  This is why I worry about people like Lindsay Lohan because she reminds me of me but I didn’t eat pussy and I don’t think she really wants to either — but that’s how it starts.  You get people around you who pump you up and sweet talk you and the next thing you know you’re a dope addict and a lesbian — well not actually, but you don’t know what the hell you are.

“Yeah, so I am more famous now than ever, big whoopie, continued Marilyn.  “I’d rather be 84 and singing Happy Birthday to President Obama than to be where I am now.  There is nothing glamorous about this, believe me.  People try to copy me and re-copy me but they just don’t get it.  There is more to life than fame and beauty.  I could have had grandchildren and even great grandchildren by now, and these days 84 isn’t as old as it used to be.  Oh, what I wouldn’t give for a sink full of dirty dishes.”

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