First they let Jack and Bobby get away with murder and rape and mayhem with Marilyn Monroe.  Then they were all for oil free energy but they didn’t want the wind required turbines in their water.   Now, despite years of animal rights activism and liberal politics  in The Bay State, the dopey people of  Massachusetts want the  happy and cute seals who have taken up residence on their New England shores —–TO DIE!


This week residents were ecstatic to see great white sharks treading the surf at Chatham Harbor because it’s become a habitat for seals —  the very seals who are eating the fish, and putting a dent in the pocketbook of the Gorton’s Fisherman from Gorton’s of Gloucester.  The sharks are hunting the seals and residents couldn’t be happier.

“I hope they all get eaten up like a cod cake on Easter mornin,” said a woman who looked like an exhumed Rose Kennedy. 

“We want our fish cakes and those little monsters are eating them.  I love when a Great White comes in and bites the shit out of them — and their goddam babies too!”

The seals have thrived under US Govt protection and that’s pissing off a lot of people who make a living off of the cheap fish cake industry.  The tourist industry is doing well though and people are coming to see the seals, but the weird folks of Mass don’t like it.

“We wanted them (the seals) to live but we didn’t want them to live near us and bring around all these outsiduhs,” said Katie Purhune of Larnarbour.  “If ya osk me, I would tell ya to shoot the bastuds and throw ’em in back the ha-buh — and if ya osk me any more questions, I’ll kick ya butt so high up your back you’ll look like a hunchback.”

“Seals are fat and errr-a lazy,” said Rosie O’Conell of Upper Farlsmouth.  “I hope errr-a the “shocks” eat them all.  (“shocks” is how they say “sharks”) They should just throw them off a bridge like we did to Mary Jo Kopechne and forget about them.  Let the shocks eat ‘um.”

Seems like the good folks of  Massachusetts are plain old assholes no matter how you slice them.  At any other time in the past 30 years they would thrown blood on anyone who wore a seal skin coat.   We at The don’t approve of seal skin either, but we are not hypocritical, salt-soaked and inbred simpletons.

Joan Kennedy, ex-wife of the late Edward M. Kennedy, was shocked at the treatment of the seals.

“Some of my best friends are seals and walruses and unicorns,” said Joan.  “A good monk seal can drink anybody under the table but in a pinch they make great designated drivers.  You can’t just let the sharks eat them because you want cheap fish cakes.  If it were up to me I would tell the Gortons fisherman to go fuck himself.”

The former Mrs. Kennedy’s words were interrupted when she stumbled and fell of the pier.   She was no more injured than usual.


According to commercial fisherman Sam Mcvay, seals have overpopulated the area, which put a damper on the fishing industry. Even though the “fat and lazy” seals are bringing in the wealth for seal-watching business people, Mcvay says the seals have stolen from the fishing industry with their insatiable appetites.

“Now that the “shocks” are coming to get them, I don’t feel bad,” he says. “I just think it’s the circle of life like Elton John says and he is gay and we are very tolerant of gays as long as they stay in their places.” know that sharks have to live too, but local residents have been pushing seals off the rocks into the paths of oncoming Great Whites while chanting, “Die! Die! Die!”    This is outrageous!

It reminds us of the great words of the late President John F. Kennedy who said, ” The torch has been passed from one Great White shark to the next that the time has come to kill the seals of Massachusetts.   Ask not what a Great White  shark can do for you, ask what you can do for a Great White shark.” 

In Massachusetts it seems  that “what you can do” is feed it a seal.  Bastuds!


  1. What a bunch of assholes!! We American are fat enough the world will live without your fish cakes!!! The ocean is owed by seals, sharks, fish, whales & etc… Not for us. Go re-invent another food to eat. Sharks eat seal but no need to be cruel to them. Throw yourself in there A’HOLES!!

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