A lesbian student who was really an animated doll that which was fashioned from the exhumed reamins of Elvis has been paid $35,000 to settle a discrimination lawsuit the ACLU filed on her behalf because she/he/it fucked up the wholesomeness of a quite country prom by being a big, pushy lesbian zombie. The district also agreed to follow a non-discrimination policy as part of the settlement, though it argues such a policy was already in place but it did not take
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SOMEDAY SOMEBODY IS EITHER GOING TO THANK THIS JUDGE OR AT LEAST GIVE HER CREDIT FOR TRYING TO SAVE LINDSAY LOHAN. HEAR YE! HEAR YE! HEAR YE!! I am NEVER wrong! I predicted that this new lawyer Stuart V. Goldberg was poisonous and his “we’ll get them” routine was only going to get Lindsay Lohan in more trouble and it almsot did. For some reason Goldberg mysteriously vanished into the night. Robert Shapiro showed up for a second or two, and
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WHOEVER SAID THAT A HAIR TRANSPLANT LOOKS LIKE ROWS OF CORN didn’t ever conjure up the notion that someday a hair transplant would rejoin a long lost pair of siblings. Such is the case with actor Brendan Fraser and that Supreme Court thingy Elena Kagan. “As I was doing the transplant on Brendan Fraser I started to notice something strange,” said Dr. Bosley Beasley of the Bosley Hair Transplant and Second Mortgage Clinic. “The more hair I added to the
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Warden Humhphrey Chiztoner had stated publicly that additional security measures have been installed around convicted murderer Phil Spector. “Phil is a cagey one,” said Chiztoner. “His head germinates in the early spring and there is a good chance that he could simply blow away. “Just to be bitches, we have added a ‘WALL OF SOUND’ around Spector, but even that can’t keep the April breezes from taking him away into the air. The good news, however, is that whoever catches
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“It was getting all hot and sticky and cheesy under there, y’all, so I went and got it cut,” said testosterone deficient singer Clay Aiken. “Now you can see the head and I think it looks a little more proportionate.” Clay Aiken was talking about his heavy, cable knit sweater and not his foreskin because as you all know, a lot of southern people are trashy and don’t know enough to get their kids circumsized. Also a foreskin comes in handy
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WHILE LISTENING TO THE MELODY EMITTED BY A UFO AND WATCHING THE SKIES IN AWE, A 29 YEAR OLD, MAN WHO’S NAME IS ALMOST THE SAME AS THE LYRICS TO THE UFO’S SONG, WAS HIT IN THE MOUTH BY A SMALLER UFO THAT FLEW FROM THE MOTHER SHIP. The UFO in China that caused an airport to shut down yesterday played music, but it was in Chinese, and when one man got too close to the mysterious craft, he got more
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Joyce Randolph, known to TV lovers as Trixie Norton, the always patient wife of Ed Norton ( Art Carney) on the iconic TV show “THE HONEYMOONERS” has announced that she is throwing her hat into the ring for a run at the US Presidency in 2014. Randolph, 89, is not letting her advanced years get in the way. “I have been around and worked my way through a lot of things,” said the still youthful actress. “I have suffered through the Great
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SEASIDE HEIGHTS, THAT DUMP ON THE JERSEY SHORE THAT ALSO HAPPENS TO BE THE HOME OF THE MTV TRAIN WRECK, MONEY MAKING, STAR-MAKING SHOW “JERSEY SHORE” IS CURRENTLY UNDER SEIGE. SOME BIG SHARKS ARE PATROLING CLOSE TO THE SHORELINE AND FORCING OFFICIALS TO PROHIBIT SWIMMING. YES, THAT’S THE SITUATION, SO TO SPEAK, AND GUIDOS ALL OVER NEW JERSEY ARE GETTING READY. “I’m gonna punch the shit outta those motherfuckers,” said Nicky Porcorriello of Weehawken. “I’m fuckin ready man.” While Porcorriello — or however
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