CORONERS FEAR: “Brittany Murphy and Simon Moonjack were vampires.”

The Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office has determined that Simon Monjack died from acute pneumonia and severe anemia, which eerily are the same two conditions that caused the death of his wife, Brittany Murphy, late last year. 

This cause of death can only happen when a vampire doesn’t drink enough blood, and with the proliferation of vampires amongst Hollywood’s young folk, this condition is becoming more and more common.  They simpy can’t eat each other and the blood in Europe is just as scarce since Tom Cruise and Katie “cold sore” Holmes have harvested more victims in one St. Tropez summer that Vlad The Impaler did in an entire lifetime. 

Hollywood vampires aren’t afraid to talk about this problem either.

“I don’t mind if I drop dead in the shower. It sure beats getting a stake through my heart or getting incinerated by sunlight,”  said newly vampired Mary Kate Olsen.  “I mean, you go out in Hollywood and it’s almost impossible to find a real human to feed on.  Now everybody’s a vampire or a werewolf — it’s really getting fucking annoying.”

Monjack, a British screenwriter,  and a vampire, was found dead May 23 at the couple’s Hollywood home by his mother-in-law. Coroner Assistant  told CNN that Monjack’s cause of death was “just like Brittany” and that some prescription drugs were found in his system, but not enough to have contributed to his death.

“You see vampires are a lot like vampire bats,”  said Medical Examiner Dr. Jill St. Gaga.  “Vampire bats need a constant supply of blood to stay alive so I guess that’s why vampires are called vampires.  I never thought of that — and I went to medical school.”

At first the CDC believed that the Grim Reaper had taken up residence in the Hollywood area but after intense study it was determined that Pale Death is  just a West Hollywood bar back for bodies.  The drugs, alcohol and penchant for vampirism are what’s robbing Hollywood of it’s glitterati.  It’s ironic that these Hollywood icons of youth will eventually be 400 years old and still prowling on Sunset Blvd and vampire producers are jumping on the idea of making this a reality show that will last for centuries.  Actually all producers are vampires and their king, Aaron Spelling was over 4,000 years old when he died from being too old and ugly — even for a vampire.

“I mean it’s like you can’t fucking believe that people still die from cancer and stuff,”  said a very pale Ashton Kutcher.  “See these two holes in my neck?  Pretty soon I’m goingto need somebody to devour and it’s not like the mucnhies you get from pot.  It’s a hunger that drives you crazy and you’ll do anything to suck blood, but you gotta drive all the way into The Valley to find people who aren’t your own kind.  It’s like, if you like, drink blood from like another vampire, you like….die.”

The vampires in Hollywood are starting to come out of the casket but the werewolves remain reclusive.

“I guess it’s because we are only werewolves for one night every month,” said one famous star who is also a werewolf.  “A vampire is always a vampire no matter how you slice it.”

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