Airplane fart absorbing cushions on all new Boeing jets.

fartsmEver since the tragic events of 9-11, the airline industry in the USA and abroad has had to put aside any thought of luxury or customer comfort so as to make their business at least semi-profitable and seemingly streamlined.  The extra security thrust upon the weary traveler has slowed everyone down, and airplanes are booked to last-minute sardine capacity.  An in-flight meal is either non-existent or it’s simply an unidentifiable rubbery sandwich you have to buy for seven bucks.  Don’t count on that free beverage being free for much longer either.


Flying is no longer a luxury.  It used to be a ritzy thing to do, but now it’s just another bothersome 500 miles per hour in a metal tube while wearing a dirty T shirt and flip-flops.   The days of the glamorous  JET SET are over…or are they?
One airline is doing something to improve the quality of life on its planes, and while it may seem a little silly, some passengers have noticed a profound difference.  Something has been done to make flying a lot more comfortable, and psychologists say that when people are comfortable in “certain” ways, they are more apt to dress and behave properly.  They are also less prone to be bothered by some of the more pesky aspects of traveling.
“I have a serious problem with flying because I have a lot of intestinal gas owing to a playground accident I suffered as a child,” said Dr. Raymond Totondi, a world renowned physician at the Skylight Institutes of Better Living, and a frequent flyer on Southwest.
“I have offices in the New York area, Atlanta and in Phoenix… and I go back and forth very often.   The long hauls were murder in my intestines.  Twenty minutes into a flight and I’d be holding in farts until my abdomen was swollen and burning.  I tried wearing diapers lined with cologne or activated charcoal, but nothing worked.  Now, unless I fly on another airline,  I have no troubles whatsoever.”
According to an engineer who works in the airline industry, Southwest has installed a flatus-absorbing cushion in all of its seats. It’s basically a thin sleeve of a new polymer that is slipped under the fabric.  The polymer reacts with human flatulence (fart gas) by drawing the gas into the fibers — pulling it from the anus — and causing a chemical reaction whereby the intestinal gas is converted into harmless nitrogen and small amounts of fecal debris.  The cushions are easy to replace and according to testing done throughout China and Malaysia, they should be replaced at least once per year for an aircraft that is in regular service.  Th fecal debris can be shaken out of the cushions and used as lawn or garden fertilizer.
“These new seat cushions are incredible.  You don’t even know they’re there.  As a man of science, I view these seats as the epitome of technology being used to make everyday life more comfortable for everyone who flies.  There isn’t a person alive who has flown on a plane and not held in at least one big fart at least one time.  Now, with these new flatus barriers, people with intestinal problems or people who just don’t feel like holding in a fart,  can fart all they want.  It’s a miracle.  I read the literature from the manufacturer and they guarantee that there is no intestinal gas that cannot be neutralized by these cushions.”
Seems like the new “FlatuLux” seat inserts have perked up Dr. Totondi’s social life too.
“This week, on my way from Atlanta to Phoenix, a trip that usually leaves me in intestinal agony,  I sat next to a pretty young woman and farted my brains out while still managing to be charming and conversational.  We had a pleasant conversation and I got her phone number.  Normally I would have been squirming in my seat and unable to relax, but this time I talked and farted and talked and farted for thirteen hundred miles.  It was so relaxing.  A few times I was worried that the young lady would see me squint and push down as I farted, but she didn’t seem to notice.  Maybe she thought I had a small facial tick or something, but whichever the case, it’s better than trying to hold a conversation with a beautiful young lady while you’re stinking up the airplane.  I know you can easily blame the smell on one of the other 130 passengers, but after awhile people catch on…at least that’s been my experience.”
Southwest Airlines has added FlatuLux flatus-reducing padding inside the lining of all of its seats on 70% of the planes they currently have in service.  They plan to have them installed in all their planes by August 2015.
The results have been outstanding and passenger satisfaction is at an all time high.  FlatuLux pads can be bought for use in the home too and talks are underway with The Olive Garden and Macaroni Grill restaurants to have the sleeves installed in seats and benches at all their locations.

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