What Does The Environmental Defense Fund Do Besides Take My Money?

bearThe Environmental Defense Fund (EDF) is a “charity” with hundreds of millions in their treasure chest. They have a big website with all the bells and whistles and polar bears. They talk a lot about what they “strive for” and “aim to” and “set their sights on” — but what do they actually do? I don’t know. Do you?

Let me start off telling you that I am VERY suspicious of these tax exempt charities that throw pictures of animals at you with the hope that you are a wildlife moron — and thankfully for them — a lot of you are.

Normally I would ignore this because I don’t care what you do with your donation money, but something that the EDF has done has pissed me off in a Serial Mom kind of way.

Do you ever see the movie Serial Mom? It’s a film by JohnWaters starring Kathleen Turner. It’s about a perfect housewife who goes on a few murderous rampages when little things start to bother her. For example: Her neighbor doesn’t bother to recycle bottles and cans so Serial Mom bludgeons her to death with a leg of lamb. Get the picture?

The triviality involving the Environmental Defense Fund that has pissed me off to the point where I have decided to take a Serial Mom pot shot at them has to do with their new ad banner that I keep seeing all over the internet. IT WAS WRITTEN BY A COMPLETE ILLITERATE!

Let me gather my wits for a second. Okay, I’m better now,

The photo in the ubiquitous ad shows a baby polar bear sitting on top of its mother in some snowy, icy place. The caption reads: By 2050,  3 out of 5 polar bears will be extinct. If you don’t already know why that’s a moronic statement, do not continue to read this. But for the rest of you…..pay attention!

The baby polar bear in the ad banner photo is NOT cold and FREEZING TO DEATH, but that’s the first thing about which the average moron is supposed to be outraged. That’s the really big and easy net that draws in the mawkish simpleton with a sentimental Visa card.

Believe it or not, the common nitwit — an overly abundant human sub-species — does not know that polar bears rarely frolic in sunny fields of clover and honey. Sure, they might have a fleeting idea that the bears live in Alaska or something like that, but even then, in the mind of a human nitwit, the Arctic is a fun snowy place where the mighty white bears slide down hills of snow and play with salmon in a stream and nibble on big bushes of yummy berries and leaves.

So let me restate this. The mama bear is resting and the baby bear is resting on top of her, but in the mind of the moronic nitwit the mama bear is dying and the baby is clinging to her in the icy cold air crying, “Mommy don’t die! Mommy don’t die!” And that’s what the Environmental Defense Fund (EDF) wants you to think.

Now, these might sound like petty reasons to bash a charity, but in my world I dig a little deeper.

Polar bears are ferocious carnivores who have survived in the arctic tundra for eons. Don’t feel sorry for a polar bear just because he’s standing on frosty and frigid ice. That’s where he wants to be. That’s what polar bears do. They stand on the ice and wait for a cute little seal to take a breath through hole in the ice and then, when the seal’s head pops outta the hole, mama bear reaches in and eats’em up and then there’s blood everywhere. Mama bear and baby are stuffed with food and ready for another nap on the ice.

So — lesson one. Polar bears and their cute little babies are supposed to live on ice and they usually eat other animals who live on ice or near ice.

Now that you have this info, can anyone yet tell me what the Environmental Defense Fund (EDF) does? I still don’t know. What do they do for polar bears besides nothing.  And what’s that other thing they do — uh — oh yeah –they collect money from saps and invent stories about dying polar bears.

You can google these scum bags and try to figure this all out for yourselves, but remember what Damien told you first before you drift into their magical world of snowflakes and half-baked bullshit.

Polar bears are not in trouble from the “evil white man.” In fact, they’re not even in any trouble at all. They are not declining in numbers and they have survived thousands and thousands and thousands of years of climate changes. They’re smart — leave them alone goddamit!

The only clear and present human threat to polar bears are the Eskimos and Aleutian peoples who kill them for food and fur.

Eskimos and Aleuts ( like there’s a frigging difference) kill polar bears and whales and porpoises and walruses and even Narwhals — those awesome beasts that look like unicorn whales. It’s okay to hate the Japanese whaling boat people but it’s not okay to tell the truth about these Parka-Pinheads who are still living in the Dark Ages? Get a grip, will ya!

My message to the Environmental Defense Fund (EDF) is to stop with the bullshit stories that help to fill up your bank account. Stop with your disingenuous photos and stories. Tell the frigging truth and stop fleecing the mawkishly generous morons who don’t know enough to research through your bullshit before they hand you their credit card numbers. YOU DON’T REALLY DO ANYTHING BUT COLLECT MONEY.

And getting back to the caption on the new EDF advertisement that’s showing up as an advertisement on your page. “By 2050,  3 out of 5 polar bears will be extinct.” ß –THIS MAKES NO SENSE. If 5 out of 5 were gone, then they’d be extinct. Use some of the money you glom from morons and hire yourselves a copy editor who knows the meaning of the frigging word “EXTINCT!”

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