Everyone was in an uproar because Snooki got paid more for speaking at Rutgers than Toni Morrison who is a poet or something, but Snooki, now an honorary Doctor Of Letters has announced that she will donate her $32,000 speaking fee to further advance the study of the Jersey Devil in the New Jersey Pine Barrens.
“I guess I could keep the money and spend it on clothes but I think the Jersey Devil needs a helping hand, ” said Snooki from a hotel in Lakewood, NJ, USA where she is launching her Jersey Devil charity called. S.M.U.S.H. — Sending Money to Uplift Sub Humans.
“S.M.U.S.H will do a lot of good and as more and more celebities contribute we can get money and supplies to The Abominable Smowman and Sasquatch too. This is my baby and I promise I won’t let anybody fuck with it or screw around with the fucking money.
“I am working closely with the Hasidic community here in Lakewood because their town is very close to the Pine Barrens and if the Jersey Devil and his family don’t get the money and food needed, they might venture into town and mess shit up even though this town is already a fucking dump. There is no welfare money left in Lakewood so the poor things will have to rely on my charity. I guess S.M.U.S.H is my way of putting something back and I would like to thank Rutgers for the $32,000 that made this possible.”
How does Snooki plan on getting the money into the furry hands of The Jersey Devil when it seems to be such an elusive creature and in 200 years of reports a live specimen has never been caught or photographed?
“I’m like totally tight with a lot of Jersey Devils down here in south Jersey,” said Snooki who is herself a semi-primitive humanoid. “I know where they hang out and party and like they don’t run away from me when I go down into the swamp where they live. We are like family and there is nothing more freaking important than family. I don’t need this $32,000 but the Jersey Devils do. They have to eat bugs and squirrels for chrissakes. Do you think I’m really the heartless bitch that MTV makes me out to be — fuck no.”
Snooki is an amazing woman, and now that Rutgers University has shone a light on her she can use that academic fame and fortune to help other primitive humanoid beings. TheDamienZone.com would personally like to thank Rutgers University for their courage and wisdom. Toni Morrison isn’t really so hot anyway.
