Semi-retarded actor and full blown asshole, Matt Damon , is making great strides at his new special school and recently he even voiced his opinions about the economy. He even went so far as to get angry at a reporter who asked him a question about teachers and tenure.
Not yet ready to face a world full of non retarded people, Damon was accompanied by his dutiful mom who has sacrificed so much so as to ensure that her mentally challenged son gets the education he so desperately craves.
Oscar-winning actor Matt Damon showed up and gave support at a rally for teachers’ rights in Washington D.C on Saturday. Damon flew in from Vancouver over night, where he is shooting for his upcoming movie Elysium — a film that nobody will see and will go straight to DVD.
He was amazed to find out that Canada, the country where it is cheaper to make his money-losing movies, is not part of the United States. Now that he knows that Canada is not part of the USA he has vowed not to hate it and resent it and malign it and mock it when he goes to Europe.
Damon delivered the keynote address at the lazy-ass teacher’s march. He praised his experience at special schools and his “incredible” teachers. He said the character qualities instilled in him by his special needs school teachers couldn’t be “tested,” which is a jab at the current U.S. emphasis on standardized testing. Damon dreams of a world where really dumb kids can get great grades just like smart kids because everybody is equal.
Damon also sported a shaved head which he got as a result of experimental brain treatments he receieved at a state of the art clinic in Switzerland.
“We were trying to locate the exact spot in his brain where the retardation is most pronounced and where it merges with a spot that makes him appear intelligent, ” said Dr. Benjamin Switchy of the Switchy Institute for Lower Learning in Zurich.
“We didn’t even have to do the tests we had prepared because after we shaved his head and saw the shape of his cranium and face, we realized that he is a sub-human creature much like our other patient Snooki. His head is grossly huge and his jaw can be matched with anthropological samples that pre-date homosapien culture.
Damon then gave the crowd a sampling of his new learning skills and blasted the US government for wasting teachers’ time on test prep and preventing them from approaching students in a more effective way.
“Of course he didn’t make any sense but at least he’s conversational and social,” said Dr. Switchy. “Of course he got angry because he became frustrated when his limited brain could not make sense of a question that was put before him by a reporter. That’s why his mother is there — to assuage his fears and tame his animalistic instincts.”
Before he was subdued by guards from the special school, Damon went on some kind of senseless rant.
In his day, “they were allowed to be teachers,” Damon said. “A teacher wants to teach. I mean, why else would you take a shitty salary and really long hours and do that job, unless you really want to do it?”
It’s amzing how someone as mentally limited as Matt Damon has been able to make a great movie career for himself — but then again we have had actors like Cheetah and Trigger and even penguins who have had great careers on the screen. Damon seems to have learned to use language that sounds intelligent yet makes no sense. It is rumored that he is better at sign language than the gorilla at the San Diego Zoo. That is truly amazing!
“We hope that our continued experiments with Mr. Damon can help to lay the groundwork that will cure all retarded/genius/asshole people,” continued Dr. Switchy. ”
“We need only find out where he got the primordial gene that makes his primitive brain function somewhat normally. Of course Damon is an actor and is good at making himself seem a bit more intelligent that he is — which puts him at the level of a chimp or perhaps a really smart dog like a yellow lab or something. He is the key to all of our research and we are so proud of him as is his mom.”