If you’ve been in a coma for the past week you would have missed the 8.9 earthquakethat struck the area north of Tokyo. But as if that wasn’t enough, a 38-foot tidal wave washed over the land and killed tens of thousands of people. But again, that wasn’t bad enough. The earthquake damage, the fires, the Tsunami and the overall mess of it was further complicated by the meltdown of all the nuclear reactors in the area. The people of Japan couldn’t possibly have anything else go wrong with them — could they?
“Arrrrrrgharrrg! That’s the sound we heard last night coming from out at sea,” said Fujijitsu Koki of Janaski, Japan as he used his Karen Silkwood Fallout Removal soap and scrub brush.
“It was the voice of Godzilla. The earthquake woke up Godzilla from his 50 year sleep. He will arrive on our shores any minute because he is very big and one of his steps is like a thousand of mine because I am a little Asian man covered in radioactive dust.”
Yes, things have gotten worse and Godzilla has been spotted by United Nations relief vessels.
“He’s about 70 freaking miles from land so that oughta put him in Tokyo by morning,” said Tony Serrenello of the USS Brooklyn, a refurbished warship that now brings tanning lotions and hair products to countries where there have been natural disasters.
“He’s looks fuckin pissed and he’s all freaking slimy and green and shit. The water is about at his waist level so that means it’s pretty deep. Once he gets to water that’s more shallow he will start to move faster and his thighs will kick up another tsunami a hundred times bigger than the first one. And when he gets to Tokyo all fucking hell is gonna break loose because they build those buildings to be earthquake proof but they’re not match for fuckin Godzilla — everybody fucking knows that!”
The Japanese government fears that when Godzilla arrives that the deaf people of Japan will be the most affected.
“It’s not that the deaf will be unable to hear Godzilla,” said Fujiatsi Jumujatsu of Tokyo. “It’s that when Godzilla arrives, our lips and words go out of sync. Our mouths do not move properly in accordance with what we are saying. Godzilla will destroy our ability to read lips and talk sensibly. This hasn’t happened since the movies in 1964.”
President Obama is sending as much as he can but the damage is so bad that this might be a job for Harry Truman.