The results of the 2010 United States Census are in and the results are startling. The population is now 308,890,111. The last 111 counted were hanging outside a check cashing store in Atlanta.
The numbers are staggering and the amount of morons, imbeciles and idiots — real psychological terminology by the way — has grown incredibly. Most of these sub-intellects can be found on college campuses — and those are the teachers.
There is also a very high change in the amount of people who have been on gay based reality shows and TV dramas and sitcoms. The number thus far show that at least one out of every thousand Americans has appeared on a gay themed reality show, and one out of two people are thoroughly entertained every day by gay-themed television programming overall.
Latinos make up a huge jump in the population but they don’t know it because they didn’t get that box that switches analog TVs to digital. African Americans, however, are doing really well in that area and they have hung more Dish TV satellite trackers than any other ethnic group.
“Multi-unit housing is now covered with satellite dishes in urban areas,” said Dewight Binton or Benton ( we didn’t understand what he said).
“Inner city people want to get the TV shows they want and most blacks, even though they are very opposed to abortion, watch shows that are written by people who love to vacuum fetuses. It’s truly a step in the right direction.”
Other Ethic groups have shown trends in the 2010 census.
Italian-Americans are leaving the USA in droves. They used to account for nearly 8% of the population but now they have all made the move to a little unnamed barrier island off the coast of New Jersey.
“You’se people got to understand that Seaside Heights is our new promised land,” said Rocky Spantola, the self-appointed leader of the Italo-Guido migration, as he demonstrated a 10 foot dive for his Aunt Ree Ree in Ortley Beach – the unbearably Guido town next to Seaside Heights.
“We are putting up a border crossing on the Mathis Bridge that leads from the USA to Seaside Island (a tentative name) — and our soldiers have a shoot to kill order for any non Italians who try to get into our country.”
“Plans now are to name the new Italian country, Bru-Shootania or Gobba-Goolia, but we have to have a sit-down to determine the new name.”
Irish-Americans have shown little change but that was expected because they have shown little change since 1888. They are still cops and firemen and they still drink and get average grades in school. They like the blue-collar life and that’s where they have hung out for over one hundred and thirty years.
“Ruthless Asians are making huge strides,” said a source close to the census. “They get the best grades because they have minds that do nothing but study because they are too unnatractive to go out and drink and party like the other college kids. They really don’t know anything about anything. They giggle a lot, but if it looks like you might get their seat in a medical school or in a major corporation, they will slit your throat.
“Harvard University is now 99% Asian-American and the once hallowed halls of the Ivy League, now smell like peanut oil cooking garlic and bamboo shoots. It reminds me of the halls at my old apartment in the lower east side of Manhattan. It’s really smelly.”
The next census will be in 2020 — but the world will not be here. The population will be 100% Mayan, so the landscaping will be neat and inexpensive. Mayans are great landscapers but without European males, they will forget how to use the wheel — even in Los Angeles.