Snooki’s New Book, New Name and Movie Deal.

It is now officially more than just a rumor.  Snooki, wants to get rid of the name Snooki because she will be appearing with Tom Cruise in an upcoming John Frankenheimer film.

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has been using the nickname of Snooki ever since she was first introduced to the public.  It was a cute name that had been given to her by her parents who are both Australopithecus humanoids, or semi-human cave people.

“It is normal for cave people to give their offspring nicknames,” said half-Australopithecus, Matt Damon. 

 “But when the young ones grow up, they get tired of the nicknames and they want to strike out on their own with the real name that was carved into rock on the day they were born.  When I was a kid they used to call me Ape-Face, and that was cute until I became a big movie star.”

Snooki is tired of her nickname and, like Ape-Face “Matt” Damon, Snooki let her feelings be known to the press.

“I miss my real name.  I miss people calling me Nicole and I miss my parents trying to grunt out the name even though they do not have the language skills that most HomoSapiens do.”

Snooki is now making the rounds with her first book “A Shore Thing” that some critics are calling a masterpiece.

“She makes Ayn Rand look like a fuckin moron,” said  Tony Giambettino, book critic for the Asbury Park Centinal.  “The fuckin imagery and pathos all come together.  Every fuckin kid in the world should read this and it should be fuckin mandatory in New Jersey schools.”

Another reviewer from The Seaside Heights Daily Criterion had a different take.

“This woman puts to the freakin page every fucking thing that she feels.  You go on like this fucking journey with her and you can’t put the goddam book down.  I was reading it while I was sitting on the bowl and I could feel the shit coming out of me like it was a catharsis or something.  She’s a fucking genius.”

In spite of the greatness of Snooki’s writing, the real reason she wants to get rid of the name Snooki is because she will be starring with Tom Cruise in a remake of the great film classic “Humoresque” which begins filming in April.   Now that she is going to be an A-list movie star, she wants an A-List name.

“I can’t go with the Nicole thing if I’m gonna be in a movie with Tom Cruise,” shouted Snooki as she stood on a giant ladder and adjusted her hair poof with the front of a Boeing 747 and a giant hot air blower at Newark Liberty Airport.

“I mean, Tom already had Nicole as a costar and a wife so I was thinking of maybe calling myself Collette LeZee — that’s a combo of Nicole and Polizzi — and it sounds French.  I don’t speak French but I am getting offers to do hair care commercials for French television.  I also have an infomercial video that I made in France where I teach young girls how to shave under their arms.  So far only young Emo guys have been buying the DVD, but I’mmaking a few Euros and I got to hang out in Cannes with the other major stars like me.”

So now we know that Snooki will costar in a movie with Tom Cruise that will be released next Thanksgiving and her name up there in lights will be Collette LeZee.

Reporting from Hollywood — Damien

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