WARNING WARNING WARNING … SNOOKI HAS ESCAPED…WARNING WARNING …SHE IS WEARING BEAVER SKINS… BE ON THE LOOKOUT, BITCHES.
Since it was determined that “Jersey Shore” cretin, Snooki, was not a human being and was passing as one despite the fact that she was an Australopithecus, Snooki has been holed up at a secret United State Government Island off the coast of Maine so that scientists could be certain just where on the road to homo sapien Snooki belongs.
“We believe that her short, stubby legs work much like those of a flea,” said special investigator Benjamin Switchy.
“If you calculate the distance a flea can jump, relative to it’s body size, it would be like a human being jumping over the Empire State Building with yards to spare. I believe that the Empire State Building is high.
“We believe that Snooki jumped off the island and landed somewhere in the woods of Maine. We are deeply concerned that if we don’t find her soon, she will interbreed with the backwoods people of Maine and the thought of that would be horrifying. Those people are already genetically unfortunate.”
Living with the backwoods of people of Maine will indeed be ideally suited for an ancient species like Snooki. She knows how to trap animals and build fur clothing and shelters. She can make it through the tough winter and she also has enough fat stored in her thighs to hibernate if she has to resort to that.
“She was out in a closely guarded yard getting her daily free time when suddenly we heard a POING sound,” said Switchy as he adjusted his 1980’s mustache. We saw her fly through the air and then all we saw was a black dot way up high arcing towards the shoreline about a mile away. We are pretty sure she made it safely to land.”
Even if she did not make it to land, Australopethicus are very good swimmers and are believed to have once swam from California to Hawaii where a lot of them still live in secrecy and work at the Dole pineapple farm.
“As she flew away we could here her screaming,” said Switchy. “It sounded like, ‘youse are all bee yotches and you ain’t seen nothing yet.”
UPDATE: It has been established that Snooki did indeed escape to Maine because her family received a postcard from her that was written in the childish and nearly illiterate fashion common to the Australopithecus. In the postcard it is evident that Snooki has already adapted like the scientists feared she would. She has made an entire suit of beaver fur and is preparing for the cold Maine winter.
“She says’s she’s doon a’ight, ” said a guy who knows Snooki. “Her family can’t say nuthin about the postcard because they are not human and they don’t like communicate like normal people. Plus the cops told them not to say nuthing. They can’t even grunt or anything like dat.”
Benjamin Switchy is on the case. “I am going to stay up in Maine for a few days with my friend Vera Donovan,” affirmed Switchy. We’ll figure out a way to catch Snooki before she does any genetic damage to the human and sub-human peoples of Maine.