“I told you I was just a patsy,” said Lee Harvey Oswald from his hot rock in hell.
“I’m down here because I killed a cop and I was a communist but I didn’t shoot Kennedy. I have six thousand more years until I am eligible to go to Limbo and work as a janitor at the unbaptized dead babies realm, but for now I have to sit here in the heat and misery. I don’t know why heavy metal kids glorify this place. You have to be a real moron to worship this shit hole. ”
So it looks like Lee Harvey Oswald is doing hard time for a crime he didn’t commit. A new investigation into the Kennedy assassination has produced a photo where it’s obvious that the shooter was a horse. Also, using forensic analysis that was not available in 1963, the bullets and shell casings show traces of manure and Show Sheen — a horse grooming product.
“It would have been easy for a horse to get up to that 6th floor window of the school book depository,” said special investigators, Ben Switchy and Sheldon Hartunis who think they work for The History Channel. “We can’t get to the horse because we have evidence that on the way down the steps he broke his leg and was shot by Jack Ruby who had this psychological thing where he couldn’t bare to see animals in pain.”
Hartunis and Switchy are delusional and weird — shunned by the people in their trailer park, but for some cockamamie reason, the two have stumbled upon a truth that has evaded and vexed millions of people for nearly fifty years. Their names will now go down in history because they found the photo that proves Oswald was not only not acting alone, he wasn’t even acting. He was just working at the Texas Schoolbook Depository.
“Oswald was just an idiot like a lot of people today are idiots — especially atheists,” said Hartunis. “He was like a frustrated college kid who protests and calls himself a communist or a Goth. It’s too bad he got caught up in the mayhem and then killed that cop. The real victim was the cop because Kennedy would be dead by now anyway. Officer Trippet might still be alive but he would really be old.”
“We are going to further enhance the photo and see if we can identify the horse, but for now we are calling it ‘Horse X’ which sounds very mysterious. He looks like a Belgian draft horse but we can’t be sure. We do know that certain breeds of horses are really good marksman so we are going with that angle.”
So the Kennedy assassination has been solved but poor Lee Harvey Oswald is sweating it out in hell.
“The good part is that people are starting to talk to me,” said a sweaty Oswald. “You’d be surprised at how many people who liked President Kennedy or knew him are in hell too. I found that to be very surprising because after he died you would have thought that he was a saint or something. But I am an atheist and a communist so I don’t believe in deifying people. But, yes, a lot of the locals who shunned me over the years are now talking to me and bringing me small ladles of water. At first I thought that Jackie Kennedy hated me, but then I realized that she just doesn’t talk to anybody unless they have money. She doesn’t even know who I am.”