DOCTORS PROVE: Snooki’s DNA is not human and neither is she !

“She may walk on two legs and she may seem like a modern day primate– maybe even human, but tests have proven that she is not,” said Dr. Louis B. Leeky IV of The Harvard Primate Proving Grounds. 

 “We have taken swabs from inside of Snooki’s mouth and the specimens we got that were not contaminated with semen, showed us that the creature known as Snooki belongs to an ancient species of bipedal hominids called Australopithecus.   It has been rumored for years that some of these poor creatures have survived and live in the marshy areas of New Jersey and Delaware.”

There were rumors at MTV that Snooki might not be human and there was even speculation that she might be an alien being.  https://thedamienzone.com/2010/08/05/jersey-shores-snookie-arrested-for-being-a-body-snatcher/

“The typical body of this creature is very small and egg-shaped,” continued Dr, Leeky as he put a quarter on the word “mom” on a Seaside Heights boardwalk wheel where he could win an iron or toaster. 

“Their feet make a flip-flop sound when they walk and they have thick black hair like Guatemalans with whom they share genes originally created by the interbreeding of Aztecs and Australopitican-like beach dwelling creatures.   Although they share a genetic link with Guatemalans, Snooki’s species is unable to do any leaf blowing because they lack the muscles required to pull the starting cord on a Briggs and Stratton two cycle engine.  That fact alone has been more than enough reason to hold the species back by hundreds of thousands of years. 

“Yeah, I tried to work on landscaping jobs because I was hooking up with this guy who had a lawn business on the side,” said Snooki as she swallowed a live eel with a chunk of garlic.  “I couldn’t hack it because I couldn’t pull the string on the freaking lawn mower. I went to the doctors and eveything and they like said that I was like totally lacking these muscles.  That’s how I ended up having to see Dr. Leeky.”

While her body is grossly out of proportion, she is able to attract mating partners because she will party and do dirty things to get human males although her species tends to choose males with lower IQs since the DNA of dumb guys seems like it might be closer to their own and thusly procreation is at least feasable.  Rarely,  Snooki and others like her will mate with a completely normal male.  This is known in scientific circles as a “mercy fuck” and happens usually when alcohol is involved in some kind of primitive ritual.

“They have to prowl the beaches and marshes,” said Dr. Leeky as he proudly displayed the giant stuffed animal he won playing ski-ball.  “They can’t do landscaping so they have been forced to stay in the sandy areas — unable to venture into the green inland areas that are occupied by regular humans and landscapers and sometimes they meet a human who is out having a good time with a friend and after a few drinks the friend has no choice but to mate with Snooki.”

Doctors are hopeful that they can try gene therapy on Snooki and have some human male DNA shot into her;  although they acknowledge that she has already had so much male DNA shot into her at the beach house that an improvement would have become apparent by now. 

Recently, genetic police have had to arrest Snooki when she was secretly implanting her eggs into the ovaries of sleeping sun bathers.  She was carried away in handcuffs but not before she had a chance to implant a few of her spawn of ancient primordial hominids.

“Fuck youse all,”  shreiked Snooki like a caged animal as police from the US Government’s “Secret Island” hauled her away. 

 “Youse can’t fucking stop me cause youse are all fucking loozuhs and us Australopithicus motherfuckers are gonna take over the freaking world, bitches!”