Zapruder film proves why: “Lindsay Lohan fails drug test.”

The judge kept running the cell phone video back and forth in the darkened room for nearly an hour, and there, in frame 1097, Lindsay Lohan can be seen leaning over and snorting a line of something.  Witnesses gasped in horror as the judge rewound the film to the point of inhalation and then forwards and back again.  An observer had to be t aken out of the room on a stretcher when the images of white powder flying up and over the top of Lohan’s head sickened her and she passed out.


“As Lindsay went behind the cement column and the overhead leading towards the ladies room you could see it plain as day,” said little Abbey Zapruder, the great grand-daughter of Abraham Zapruder who took the infamous home movies that depict the assassination of President Kennedy back in 1963.

“I was standing on top of the dance floor at the club and I had a good shot of Lindsay so I decided to film her.  It was noisy in the corridor but all of a sudden I heard a snorting sound and I saw people all rushing around Lindsay.  They all looked high and then suddenly I looked into my cell phone camera and I saw her lean down over a piece of paper and snort some powder. At first I thought that I was going to be hit with some of the powder, but as soon as it started, it was over.   It all happened very fast.”

The Zapruder film is what might put Lindsay back behind bars because she is supposed to stay drug free during her probationary period.  Recent urine tests proved that she had been taking drugs in defiance of the law and the judge is not happy.

“Miss Zapruder’s film has proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that Lindsay has defied my court,” roared an angry Judge.  “This was a coup d’etat — a toppling of my power as a judge and for that arrogance she shall pay dearly.”

Lindsay’s wife, Samantha Ronson, was covered in white powder for the rest of the day and was still dusty at the court house where Lindsay was taken away.  She refused to change her clothes.

“I want the world to see what that judge has done to my Lindsay,” said Ronson.  “I want the world to see that jail is not the answer and that Lindsay should have never gone to jail because that is where she learned this kind of behavior. She is just a patsy.”

The FBI has seized the cell phone and the video will be analyzed by experts.  It can’t be seen by the public for seventy-five years.

“I want my cell phone back,” complained Zapruder.  “It has all my wedding pictures on it and some stuff my great grandfather filmed behind the grassy knoll that nobody knows about.”

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