“There is no reason that Zsa Zsa a should be moving around,” said Dr. Hans Brecker of Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles. “She has no blood pressure and no pulse but according to former First Lady Nancy Reagan, Zsa Zsa sits up and watches television and talks about someday being on Dancing With The Stars. Mrs. Reagan also told us that the house is full of flesh eating monsters. I have conferred with experts in this field and we have determined that Miss Gabor is a zombie and perhaps even a zombie queen who is spawning an army of zombies.”
Well, there you have it. Zsa Zsa Gabor is a zombie and as soon as she acquires the strength and that taste for blood — the hallmark of your garden variety zombie — her neighbors in Beverly Hills will have to evacuate.
“It is safe to assume that Miss Gabor has already infected her husband, Prince Frederick Von Anhalt, with the zombie strain and he too will soon venture out and claim victims,” said Dr. Brecker.
“It’s what’s going on inside her home that concerns us most. Nobody has been in there for weeks except for Mrs. Reagan and a Catholic priest who went in there for the 100th time to administer the Last Rites and has not been seen since. Her husband has something to do with this and we suspect that he is a full fledged zombie.”
VonAnhalt was supposed to be executed last month in his tiny native Alpine country of Anhalt where a high court had determined that he had created public mayhem with his abuse of the Last Rites of the Catholic Church, but he slipped out of Anhalt and trekked on foot across the Alps and down into the south of France where he hitched a plane ride back to the USA with Matt Damon. Upon arrival at LAX VonAnhalt announced that he had had sex with Damon at 40,000 feet and that the actor was so worn out a priest was called to the airport to administer the Last Rites. Fortunately Damon recovered.
Cryptozoologists theorize that Zsa Zsa has been a zombie for quite some time and that she is staying on the home-front spawning more zombies while her husband was forced out into the world after his trial in Anhalt last month.
“I live next door to Zsa Zsa,” said nouveau riche Armenian dentist Hank Grandesharian. “I was having my solid gold pool lined with platinum when a human arm with bites taken out of it landed on my property and I called the police. They will not come because they said that she is a zombie and the best thing for me to do was to keep my mouth shut, but I can’t. I am Armenian and I want people to know that I live in Beverly Hills.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor’s other neighbor, actress Lee Grant, 94, said that she too will eventually have to leave.
“I don’t care that Zsa Zsa is a zombie,” said Grant. “That’s her own goddam business, but I don’t want to live two doors down from any tacky Armenians. Did you see that gaudy pool? And the cooking smells that come from that house — my god, I could just puke. Okay, I understand that the guy has three daughters in college and I know how much it costs these days to get electrolysis for three Armenian girls, but please, don’t go blaming all of this on Zsa Zsa.”
Nancy Reagan was the first to leave. Even though she doesn’t actually live in her Beverly Hills home, she had the place cleared out over the Labor Day weekend.
“Zsa Zsa would never eat me,” said the frail former first lady. “But a lot of the stuff in the house belonged to Ronnie and you know how zombies like to break furniture and other things when they are trying to get at you. I would hate to see that. I hate to rat out my friend, but that place is a madhouse and a lot of people are going to be killed or eaten or maybe even both. There’s a dead priest in there for the love of god!””
Police and scientists are preparing for the onslaught of zombies that will soon run wildly from the Gabor house, but for now they are too busy worrying about Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton — who, by the way, is awaiting sentencing by a Los Angeles court.
“We think this started when poor Corey Haim died,” said a celebrity who spoke under conditions of anonymity. “He may have been in the process of zombification but nobody knows for sure. This whole town is so fucked up that Zsa Zsa’s house is full of about a thousand zombies and nobody seems to care but some tabloids and a few doctors who just want to to get paid before Zsa Zsa gets her head blown off.”