Infomercial pitchman Billy Mays has been in heaven for over a year and our sources tell us that God wants him the hell out of heaven. Talks are ongoing with Saint Peter and Moses to allow God to bring Billy Mays back to biological life and send him back to earth.
“He’s keeping me up at night,” explained the almighty from his throne on high. “He talks too loud and sometimes when I forget to turn the TV off, he wakes me up. I jump up and it’s really getting annoying.”
It seems that God is not the only person who wants to get rid of Billy. Saint Michael the Archangel and several serephim and cherubims have filed complaints against the former OxyClean huckster.
“He’s always telling us that our wings can be whiter and our halos can be shinier,” said Saint Michael as he played the wii video game version of his Lucifer slaying adventures.
“My wings are not supposed to be overly white. They are a damp winter white or more of an eggshell, and this guy wants to wash them in OxyClean. Hasn’t he ever seen the Sistine Chapel or a statue in a cemetery? Call me a prima donna or whatever, but I’m the most important angel and this dude is getting on my nerves — and he’s loud.”
Billy seems to like it in heaven and thus far has resisted attempts to send him back to life.
“Why should I go back,” shouted the black bearded Mays as he scrubbed a cloud to literally show that gray skies are gonna clear up. “One night I went to bed and I ended up here and I like it. Besides, they’ve got Anthony Sullivan and they don’t need me.
“I’ve sold a shitload of products and right now I am working with this guy Sidney Kornfeld on a rechargeable steam machine that can clean up after the apocalypse in less than ten minutes — and if you order now, you’ll get a free Armageddon emergency flashlight and an eternity’s supply of harp strings.”
God just shrugged at us as if to say, “See what I mean?”
“Hopefully Moses and Saint Peter will iron out this red tape and we can get this guy the hell outta here already,” said the lord God almighty.
“I would much rather have killed Kathy Mitchell because I like that egg flipping spatula thing she has. I know her voice is a little shrill but she’s not so darn loud — and if she doesn’t work out I can always kick her downstairs to the other guy. He likes people who can cook more than I do and I heard she’s a bad sinner so I can’t get too charged up about any future project developments with her anyway.”
So, for heaven’s sake, keep watching your late night TV. Maybe you’ll see Billy Mays back selling annoying shit.
