He’s been running the show for about 6 billion years and despite all that he has accomplished, God has remained elusive. He has only communicated twice; once with Moses from a burning bush, if you buy that, and another time from the top of Mount Sinai — but nobody actually witnessed that.
“I used to make a big show with lightening and rolling dark clouds,” said God from his throne in the hereafter.
“I mean, if you look at the ceiling in the Sistine Chapel, that guy kind of got it right, but my arms are a little stubbier and my hair was less wavy. I mean, it has a wave, but not a tight curl. I guess if you were to duplicate my hair with a perm you would have to use the light blue rods.”
Leave it to TheDamienZone.com to get an interview with God. While his musings seem to be rather mundane, we did get to talk to him. Jealous?
So we hung around with God for a few hours (which he said was like a millionth of a second for him) and he told us more about his mistakes than his great accomplishments.
“I never liked Moses,” God said as he plucked his harp. “Don’t get me wrong, he was a great leader and he knew how to follow orders, but he was always looking up to me with his hands extended like he wanted to know an answer. I don’t do answers. The deal is that I give you good things and bad things and it’s up to you to figure the rest out.
“I could not stand the French and as a matter of fact I am not completely sure that I actually “made” them. I had a guy working here for a few weeks and he started to get real pushy and that was right around the time the French showed up on the map. I liked Abraham Lincoln though. He turned out ugly and creepy looking but he made the most of his life — and that’s all I really ask.
“I’m just a Jewish guy with a lot of things to do. You want to be a doctor — be a doctor. You want to be a schmuck — be a schmuck. Just don’t pester me because after 6 billion years I’m getting a little bit of a headache. Not a bad one but a little bit on the left side and sometimes when I eat something with a heavy sauce I get some pressure right around my gall bladder.”
When asked why he has been so reclusive for billions of years, God was very to the point.
“People used to be really dumb and not worth talking to, so why should I have bothered,” shrugged The Almighty. “They lived in caves and holes in the wall. To tell you the truth, I was a little disappointed with humans, but I always liked llamas and mountain goats — they were nice. Dinosaurs scared the hell outta me. I don’t even know why I made them. One of them bit me so I had them all put to sleep with a comet — no wait –maybe it was a climate change — I don’t remember exactly.”
“Later people started to get smarter and just when I was ready to start talking, the 1960’s came along and people were dumber than ever. Many of them are still alive. After the 1960’s I was going to take another shot with Merv Griffin but then Barbara Walters approached me and asked me for an interview. When I heard her talk I said to myself, ‘I made THAT?’ That really bothered me and I was in a depression for quite a few years.”
God went on to talk about wars and poverty and disease and the orgins of the universe but our tape recorder was on the fritz when he talked about that. It doesn’t really matter because he just went on and on and you would have had to be a scientist or a mathematician to understand it all anyway. It seems that meaning of life sounded a little too complicated even to our staff; some of whom are college graduates and interns at radio stations.
When the tape recorder went back on, God was talking about some really good stuff – interesting stuff.
“My most glaring mistake in the past forty-odd years was making Celine Dion, “God moaned.
“You see, originally she was just this ugly and hairy French Canadian kid — going nowhere. I honestly thought that she would end up in the fur trapping business on the St. Lawrence Seaway, but now she’s big in Vegas and I don’t know how it happened. I turned my back for one second, and when I say ‘one second’ that’s like a zillionth of a second to you guys. I even tried to get rid of her after the fact, but the Tiger got Roy and not her. She was supposed to make a special appearance that night with those guys and at the last minute she cancelled. This is why you can’t trust tigers. Let’s just hope that she happened in Vegas and she stays in Vegas.
“My ultimate plan with her is to mix her genes with Jay Leno’s and build a race of people who dig graves with their chins. These people will have to be anything but attractive or funny and luckily I already had that part covered.”
God moved away from his anger about Celine Dion and moved on to more socially important issues.
“I think my mistakes have been subtle ones,” lamented God as he touched Adam’s finger tip for old time’s sake. “Like Lucille Ball was a mistake — well, actually I Love Lucy was a mistake. I should have stopped her from doing that. But I gave people this “free will” thing and of course the only way I can stop people from doing things is by killing them. Do you think I wanted to be the guy who killed Lucy?
“Anyway, I think that I Love Lucy was the show that taught people it was okay to be sneaky. I mean, life is all a show and everybody wants to be in the show now and I think that they learned that from Lucy’s character. Also, Lucy had a daughter named Luci Arnaz and she is the worst actress in the world. Liza I can deal with, but Luci Arnaz — nah.
“Also I should never have made Justin Bieber and Yoko Ono. I can’t put my finger on exactly why I say that, but to me they are just two pains in my ass. The kid can sing but Yoko can’t and then he’s got the hair in the face and then she ruined the band — the whole thing makes me get a reflux thing.
God has agreed to talk more and we’ll have the rest of that in our next interview with him in a few weeks.