Warden Humhphrey Chiztoner had stated publicly that additional security measures have been installed around convicted murderer Phil Spector. “Phil is a cagey one,” said Chiztoner. “His head germinates in the early spring and there is a good chance that he could simply blow away. “Just to be bitches, we have added a ‘WALL OF SOUND’ around Spector, but even that can’t keep the April breezes from taking him away into the air. The good news, however, is that whoever catches
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“It was getting all hot and sticky and cheesy under there, y’all, so I went and got it cut,” said testosterone deficient singer Clay Aiken. “Now you can see the head and I think it looks a little more proportionate.” Clay Aiken was talking about his heavy, cable knit sweater and not his foreskin because as you all know, a lot of southern people are trashy and don’t know enough to get their kids circumsized. Also a foreskin comes in handy
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WHILE LISTENING TO THE MELODY EMITTED BY A UFO AND WATCHING THE SKIES IN AWE, A 29 YEAR OLD, MAN WHO’S NAME IS ALMOST THE SAME AS THE LYRICS TO THE UFO’S SONG, WAS HIT IN THE MOUTH BY A SMALLER UFO THAT FLEW FROM THE MOTHER SHIP. The UFO in China that caused an airport to shut down yesterday played music, but it was in Chinese, and when one man got too close to the mysterious craft, he got more
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Joyce Randolph, known to TV lovers as Trixie Norton, the always patient wife of Ed Norton ( Art Carney) on the iconic TV show “THE HONEYMOONERS” has announced that she is throwing her hat into the ring for a run at the US Presidency in 2014. Randolph, 89, is not letting her advanced years get in the way. “I have been around and worked my way through a lot of things,” said the still youthful actress. “I have suffered through the Great
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SEASIDE HEIGHTS, THAT DUMP ON THE JERSEY SHORE THAT ALSO HAPPENS TO BE THE HOME OF THE MTV TRAIN WRECK, MONEY MAKING, STAR-MAKING SHOW “JERSEY SHORE” IS CURRENTLY UNDER SEIGE. SOME BIG SHARKS ARE PATROLING CLOSE TO THE SHORELINE AND FORCING OFFICIALS TO PROHIBIT SWIMMING. YES, THAT’S THE SITUATION, SO TO SPEAK, AND GUIDOS ALL OVER NEW JERSEY ARE GETTING READY. “I’m gonna punch the shit outta those motherfuckers,” said Nicky Porcorriello of Weehawken. “I’m fuckin ready man.” While Porcorriello — or however
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Mel Gibson‘s ex-gal pal thinks “it’s terrible” that tapes she secretly recorded of the star’s racist rants went public – and says she’s not the one who leaked them. Oksana Grigorieva, who has been locked in a monumental breakup with the anger-challenged Gibson, told reporters that she never wanted the explosive tapes out there. Grigorieva would not comment on the ordeal and said she had no idea how the tapes got out. LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR
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LINE UP WANNA-BE HIPPIES AND MISFITS WITH DISPOSABLE INCOME BECAUSE CHEVY HAS THE CAR FOR YOU! You still need to burn fossil fuel to charge the stupid thing, but they forget to tell you that in the teaser advertisements. New batteries will only last 8 years and will cost $10,000 to replace — and you worry now about what it will cost if your transmission goes? Anyone who has ever bought a new car knows how fast 8 years go by. The
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“Saints were psychotic and advances in modern medicine have essentially wiped them off the planet.” This is a quote from that old, sagging sack of shit Joy Behar. It was made on a show that is still watched by a lot of housewives and forty-five year old plus guys who still like to go shopping with their mothers. Normally I don’t care about religious stuff because people either believe or they do not, but if you do not believe
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