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DOCTOR REPORTS: HUGO CHAVEZ IS DEAD

According to a Nicaraguan doctor, HUGO CHAVEZ IS DEAD OR AS GOOD AS DEAD.  CUBAN DOCTORS ARE KEEPING HIM ALIVE ON ANCIENT SOVIET-ERA MEDICAL EQUIPMENT IN A VAIN ATTEMP TO SEE IF THEY CAN GET HIS BODY TO LAST LONG ENOUGH FOR AN INAUGURATION.  BUT HE’S DEAD AS A DOOR NAIL — TRUST ME. [RAYMOND TOTE-TUNDY MD]

Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez has, for all intents and purposes, died surrounded by his family and his two pet dogs SaySay and Ponito, and American actor Sean Penn.” said Dr. Raymond-Tote Tundy, a doctor from the Skylight Institute for Cuban Medical Studies in San Sanibal, Nicaragua.

“President Chavez was especially happy to have Sean Penn by his side when he whispered his last words which were reported to be, ‘You have been like a son to me.  Please go out and find another father-figure to use to spite your own country…pass the torch.’ 

“Sean Penn, who so moved by these words that he cried and wailed and walked around pretending to be retarded.  That kind of mugging got him Academy Award nominations and he did not want to waste the opportunity to express his gift for expressing maudlin sentiment while the press was around.”

You might remember that during the Bush administration, Sean Penn enjoyed hanging out with the paunchy plantain gulping Chavez, because he sought only to spite the USA and its President, but since President Obama took over the White House, Sean Penn has been on his best behaviour and has not intentionally done anything to humiliate his own country.

“I feel sorry for Chavez in a way,” said Fidel Castro who was sitting not too far away fro his own life-support machine.  “He actually thought that Sean Penn was his friend.  He was too fat and stupid to know that Sean was using him as a tool to get even with George W. Bush and to betray the people of the USA who made him rich.  Sean Penn thinks he is my friend too but in my opinion he is a stupid and simpleminded retard — which is probably why he is so good at playing parts like that in movies. 

Castro continued.

“Hugo and Sean used to play cards but Sean used to always win, and at one point, Sean Penn owned the entire city of Caracas.  Of course they only played with imaginary money which is all they really have in Venezuela anyway, but I can only think about what a stupid idiot Chavez was.  

“Imagine how stupid you have to be to come here — to Cuba — for medical treatment of all things.  We put people with HIV in concentration camps and we still amputate limbs with a bottle of rum and a chainsaw.  If only he had not been such a stupid ass, he could have gone to the USA for treatment and perhaps he would have done better — who knows, right?”

Doctor Tote-Tundy went on to elaborate on the condition of Hugo Chavez.

“Hugo Chavez appears to have died and is being kept in a state of aliveness by antiquated Soviet Union style machines from the 1970s,” said Dr. Tote-Tundy.  “His cancer recurred and with that recurrence came severe infections and a gradual fading away of the body’s defenses against all hosts of pathogenic bacteria.

“The doctors in Cuba are simply trying to keep his heart beating and his body from rotting so that he will last long enough for his inauguration which is not scheduled until 10 January.  There are rumors floating around that one of his feet fell off or tunred black, and while I did not witness this, I think it could be true because a heart-lung machine from 1975 is not able to pump blood to the feet.

“When a person is essentially dead but blood and oxygen is still being moved throughout the body to prevent decomposition, certain parts of the body just don’t get enough oxygen and they start to turn black and die like they would if the person was 100% dead.  Iwould say that at this point Chavez is 99% dead and that at least one of his feet is 100% dead. ”

Goodbye Hugo — and may flights of fart-inducing burritos sing thee to thy rest.

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