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Frank Luntz Wins Worst Toupee, Wig, Hairpiece Of The Year!

” He should be issued a ticket for the wig he wore to the Republican debate in Iowa last night.  That looked like a head on collision between “Family Guy’s” Peter Griffith and Elton John.””     Benjamin Switchy – Wig Analysis of The World Co.

Republican strategist and pollster and Fox News contributor,  Frank Luntz, is beaming today — or at least his hair is, because the Wig Analysis Of The World Co – (WATW) – has voted his toupee and overall look to be the worst of the year. 

Luntz has gradually gone from an outrageously huge, billowing red wig to a more gentle and understated wig in the past few months, but the change in style and his blubbery facial weight gain has only added to the awfulness of his wig.  The WATW doesn’t just throw it’s yearly award at anyone.  You have to have a really bad wig to win this and this year, and probably for many years to come, Luntz will bring home the Grand Prize.

“The wig is an atrocious auburn-red color,” said colorist and wig expert,  Matilda Felds.  His wig is so bad that it should have been left out of the voting.  Many of us experts feel that the hairpiece he uses falls under the category of pranks and Halloween fun props.

“The wig is set as though the sides of his head are a greyish-brown toilet bowl and the red wig is sitting on top of it taking a shit.  I think this is a very good analogy and I will not apologize for my remarks because his wig looks like shit.  Wigs are my world and his toupee discredits my occupation.”

Ms. Felds has had harsh words before for Luntz, but these were by far the harshest. 

Benjamin Switchy, the President of the Wig Analysis Of The World Corporation tries to take a kinder and gentler approach when confronting bad wig wearers despite the fact that his company is the one that gives out the award.

“I feel that really bad toupees have a place in society and they serve a greater purpose of making the good toupees of the world look even better. 

“I am an extreme right wing Republican but yet where toupees are concerned I am impartial.  In the past I have given the award to men such as Charlton Heston, John Wayne and several other right-leaning public figures.   I do not let my political opinions sway me away from giving the award to a fellow Republican.

“It’s just that Frank Luntz’s toupee is not only bad, it does not match his own hair and it does not match his long, fat, swollen, jowly face — this should be a criminal offense of some kind.” 

Peter Luntz is a man in the public eye and TheDamienZone thinks that perhaps his hair is being sabotaged by a Democrat hair dresser — and aren’t all hairdressers in NY Democrats?  We asked his stylist.

“I do Frank Luntz’s hair and I do the best job I can do, honey.” said Gerald “Power Bottom” Gustinano, who runs “Power Bottom Wigs, Toupees and Extensions Emporium on East 14th Street.

“I don’t sabotage him because he is a Republican.  I sabotage him because he’s gonna look bad no matter what I do so why not make him outrageous and fabulous? 

“I know the wig and the style is a horror show but what the f**k else can you do with a fact cow who wants to have wavy and windblown hair on top of a face that’s hanging all over the floor of my shop?  Most toupee stylists would take hours trying to make Frank Luntz look good but the true art in my mind is to make him look as bad as possible — but in a neat, Opie Taylor kind of way.  Hey, some queens like fat guys with wigs.  It takes all kinds, honey.”

Frank Luntz has refused to go to the annual toupee award gala and accept his award saying that of all the people he has polled about his toupee , 99% say, “Toupee?  What Toupee, Frank?  You wear a Toupee?”

Frank’s toupee had stiff competition from Ralp Macchio this year — and that was one horrible toupee, but Ralph is a little nicer looking so they let him slide. 

 

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