Living with cancer has pushed Venezuela’s fiery President Hugo Chavez to change his habits and diet, his governing style and even his outlook on life. He has his good days and his bad days, but now his animosity towards the USA manifests only when he forces Sean Penn to change his bed pan because another blast of shit is about to come out of his smelly Venezuelan asshole.
“Sean likes changing Hugo’s bedpan and diapers,” said a wealthy Hollywood plastic surgeon who is traveling with Sean Penn and chronicling how Penn’s face is gradually crinkling and crumbling.
“Sean is much like the doctors who tended King George during his bouts with insanity. Sniffing the king’s poop was a daily medical procedure and these days Penn is content with what he smells from the babana republic dictator.
“I like Hugo this way,” continued the doctor. “Sean doesn’t have to stick his nose in Hugo’s ass to get a whiff of the latest communist fecal matter. The whiffs he was getting in Hollywood had hints of Ecstasy and Poppers in them and Sean likes to just sniff pure Latino ass.”
“Hugo doesn’t do massive poops but they are pungent enough that a lesser lacky would not enjoy doing this, but in the grand tradition of those who are meant to serve and do menial chores, Sean likes his job and often comments on the smell and texture of Chavez’s most recent bowel movement.”
Penn’s time with Chavez is quieter these days because Chavez’s marathon speeches have been cut back dramatically and the socialist leader is following doctors’ orders for the first time. He is more philosophical and has a new, more conciliatory message for his opponents. Now that his stoool is an important part of his day, he doesn’t have time to rant and rave against the first world or the elite in his own country who would love to see him shit his pants.
Chavez is now meeker and frequently invoking God and the spirits of the Venezuelan plains where he was born, Chavez says he has been reborn. The truth, however, is that he is probably going to die — but then again there is a rumor going around that Cubans have discovered the cure for cancer and will not share it with the rest of the world. Nah!
“It’s not that this is a different Chavez, I’m the same. But it’s like a new stage of my life, more diverse, more reflexive, more open-minded” he said in one recent appearance. He left out “more stupid” and “more clownish.”
Although he maintains his radical left-wing ideology, reinforced during several weeks’ treatment and recovery as the guest of his friend and mentor Fidel Castro in communist-led Cuba, Chavez now says his government will try to build bridges with the middle-class and the private sector, two groups that he has long identified as enemies of his “revolution.” He also thinks that having Sean Penn wipe his ass and sniff his poop and give him acting lessons might lead to a new career in Hollywood for him. There are talks that he wants to star in a Blcokbuster action movie that he’ll finance with money from the poor or money that Penn has got his friends to give to the poor – money that has somehow managed to find its way into Hugo’s pockets.
His opponents are wary of the “new Chavez,” pointing out that he has been through something similar before. When there was an attempetd coup against him he nearly shit his pants — and Sean Penn was not around to help him. He was really nice for a few months but then he went back to being a scum bag pscyho. Hopefully he will die and our gas prices will go down. Imagine that — I actually would like to see him die so I can a few dollars when I fill my tank.
Meanwhile, nobody has noticed that Sean Penn and his entourage no longer hang out in Haiti — they must have either been scared to death or they realized that their pockets were being fleeced. After massive efforts and billions of dollars, do-gooders have managed to rebuild the slum that once was Port-au-Prince, into a new slum that is Port-au-Prince.