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Luxury Cruise Ship Queen Mary 2 fails health inspection — filthy!

Queen Mary 2, billed by its owners as “the most magnificent ocean liner ever built,” isn’t getting such rave reviews from government sanitation inspectors.   The ship that is billed as the ultimate in splendour and whose crew looks down their noses at fat American passengers, is a filthy pig stye that would never pass even a street cart health inspection.

The ship was checked earlier this month as part of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s Vessel Sanitation Program, which aims to prevent gastrointestinal illnesses on cruise ships.  A problem with the ship’s cleanliness became evident instantly when inspectors starting vomiting and diarrhea-ing as soon as they shook the Captain’s hands which had poop on them.

During the visit on June 10, inspectors found a ton of violations, including “extremely dirty” water and floor tiling in a splash pool; a human hair in an ice machine; and various chemicals stored near napkins, paper cups and utensils. 

“The hair in the ice cube was found to belong to Prince William,” said a source close to the ship’s Captain.  “He lost that one while visiting the ship back in 2009.”

As a result, the ship received a score of 84. The government has two score classifications: Anything 86 or higher is “satisfactory,” while scores of 85 or lower are considered “not satisfactory.”   84 is also the number of rats they use top make Shepards Pie — they call it lamb.

Failing grades for ships, especially the larger vessels, are extremely rare, according to CruiseCritic.com. There have been no failing scores since Albatross, a private ship, received a score of 69 in February 2010, the site reported.  This article also missed using quotes 69 times and from a journalistic point of view, I would rather write on a dirty ship.

“The kind of violations found on board the Queen Mary 2 are unacceptable, especially the dirty pool water,” said Carolyn Spencer Brown, editor in chief of CruiseCritic.com.  The water was found to be 76% diarrhea, 10% water and 14%  Worsescetersheeshire sauce.

“I’ve been chronicling the CDC scores for 14 years and this one is unusually bad,” Brown said. “What really bothered me was the use of the word ‘filthy’ five times — especially when they used it to describe my vagina.”

Cunard Line, which operates the Queen Mary 2, called the ship’s most recent grade “an uncharacteristically low score.” It stressed that on most previous inspections, the ship scored over 95 and achieved the maximum of 100 on three occasions.   Queen Mary herself never even had 100 orgasms in her life and she lived to be really old.

“The poor assessment on 10 June resulted largely from one small area of the ship’s overall operation. All the issues raised in the report were immediately addressed and have now been corrected,” said Cunard spokeswoman Jackie Chase in a statement.  “We have cleaned up all the feces in the salad bar and we have replaced all old feces with new feces.  I just like to say feces.”

Ship and shore management have now “redefined certain roles and responsibilities” and the company’s training schedule has been stepped up, Chase said.  One of the things they are going to do is put soap and water on the boat.  Currently the passengers have to wade through Purel hand sanitizer to wash up and several people have been killed from alcohol poisoning — one was killed by a violent reaction to Aloe and Vitamin E.

“The Company is confident that failings of this nature will not occur again, and that the ship’s VSP scores in future will return to the customary consistently high level.”

So should you worry if you have a cruise coming up on the Queen Mary 2? Brown said you shouldn’t have second thoughts.

“I’m sure after this, it’s probably the cleanest ship out there, but I wouldn’t touch anything while aboard for at least 6-7 years,” she said.

2 Comments
  1. Seriously? What kind of crap is this? QM2 is the best ship in the world, and is the most beautiful, and defiantely one of the fastest in the entire merchant fleet. Do not discredit, insult or in any other way harass this magnificent record breaking Ocean Liner or her Company, or her Country. Tell me if any random cruise ship sails the seas in hurricane weather or do they hug the nearest port too weak to take on the seas? QM2 and every past Cunard Line Ocean Liner has fought the heavy oceans bravely and with more grace and power than any Cruise ship. Further more, QM2 is not a filthy ship, and has a reputation of getting no less than 100s on her inspections one mishap will most assuredly not happen again, and no other cruise ship of her size scores anywhere near her.

  2. Hey, Anthony — get your head out of your maritime ass and read the news. The ship was inspected and it was DIRTY. If you don’t believe me, Google the story and see that this same story appeared in major media. All that aside, the way you refer to the ship, you sound more like you would rather have sex with it than sail the seas — you’re a weirdo. I bet you couldn’t get any dates in high school because all you did was talk about ships.

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