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Psychiatrist Claims: “The Onion Sucks. Only Left-Wing Misfits Read It.”

“Your average Onion reader is usually a social misfit and a liberal son of a bitch with no fucking brain,”  said a furious Dr.  Dean Traherne, the outrageously outspoken Vegas Psychiatrist who owns and operates Trent Institute For Social Outcasts and Misfits in Las Vegas, Nevada, USA.

“They’re usually people who enjoy shocking others by talking about their Atheism and being all proud that they are godless — they are fucktards.   I have parents from all over the country who are trying to send me their kids, but the trouble is that most of these kids are in their 30s and 40s.  I mean, you have to be pretty fucked up for your parents to try to shove you off to a nuthouse at that age, right?”

“They are also the kind of people who think that certain horrible things like childhood cancer can pass as humor — it’s a form of self-loathing.   They will laugh at an atrocity that The Onion has made into a corny fake news atory and then get all defensive when somebody mentions that the story is tasteless.  They love to say, ‘It’s satire, dude,’ and they use the word satire often. 

“The Onion repeats the same themes over and over and the funniness is gone.  Essentially The Onion became unfunny after about a month, but the socially inept and backward people who enjoy reading it are usually the same people who think that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are socially responsible newscasters — and why shouldn’t they think that?  Colbert and Stewart believe that themselves.  My clinic is full to the rafters — I might have to write a self-help book, but these jerk-offs will just dismiss me as somebody who doesn’t understand satire and irony — they’re really big on the irony thing, and I find that to be the final irony.”

TheDamienZone has always hated The Onion because we’re funnier — we don’t try to be urbane or too hip for the crowd.  It’s the kind of childish humor that worked for South Park and we’re proud that we are unlike The Onion.  We also offer real news items and anybody who can’t tell the difference should stick to reading The Onion.

“Onion readers are usually on psychotropic medications, white wine or pot.  They are usually  involved in failed relationships with lovers and family,” continued Dr. Traherne. 

 “Their sense of humor is damaged in such a way that they can only laugh at pretense and pomposity.  There is an element of “too hip for the room” for a lot of these Onion readers because they have an inferiority complex and The Onion makes them feel sophisticated.   The truth is that true sophistication can only be found where there is extreme silliness and absurdity.  I believe that if Oscar Wilde were alive today, he would scoff at The Onion but he would love TheDamienZone.”

2 Comments
  1. you are a sexually repressed bible belting moron with a simplistic sense of humor which no one pays attention to -eat your quack heart out

  2. Bible belting? Are you outta your mind? Listen, you’re just mad because everybody liked Ricky Nelson and nobody paid any attention to his brother David Nelson.

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