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Earth’s axis shifts — what will happen?

The earthquake in Japan was so strong that the Earth shifted 3 degrees on it’s access.  This can have very serious long-term ramifications. 

“Japan is now 3/16ths of a mile further from Hawaii,”  said Stanley Dunt of the Oceanic Sciences Endowment in Brielle, New Jersey. 

“The Japanese are not as close to the USA as they used to be so this will give the USA more time — even if it’s a few seconds — to warn us in the event that the Japanese were to try again to bomb Pearl Harbor.  The planes will have to travel a little less than a half-mile further and that can make all the difference.  This will cause more gay Guidos to be born and there will be more gay Guidos kissing in the steets of Seaside heights by the turn of the next century.”

Was he serious?

“Nah, I’m just kidding,” said Dunt who giggled endlessly about his joke.

“The axis will shift a few hundreds of a degree over the next few days and the difference will be felt by the ocean currents but not much will be felt by the average human being.  In certain parts of the world the people are already so fucked up that they wouldn’t notice if the world turned upside down.

According to Dunt, the only sure thing one can say when one is educated in this field is that there will be another quake that will be worse and the place that will feel it the most will be the little state of New Jersey in the northeastern part of the USA.

“New Jersey will shift southward because of a push of the Arctic plates that run under the Long Island, New York and push on the Reading Prong — a structure of granite and uranium that rests under central and northwestern New Jersey.  The Delaware Bay will get a little more narrow and the seaside resorts will all move down one exit on the Garden State Parkway.

“For example; Asbury Park, a shithole on the Atlantic Ocean in mid-southern New Jersey was always exit 102 on the Garden State Parkway, but now it will be Exit 100A which used to be the exit for Wall Township.  Even Mtv’s Jersey Shore community of Seaside Heights will now be moved down an exit, but since there isn’t one for ten miles, they will have to build a new Exit for Seaside and Toms River. ”

How could this earthquake have this effect on New Jersey without affecting the other states?

“New Jersey sits on a very slippery plate,” continued Dunt.  “Also, the other states are secretly pushing landfills under the ground around the periphery of New Jersey in an secret attempt to push the entire state into the Atlantic Ocean and be rid of it.  This earthquake gave them a little leg-up and I predict that within 2 years New Jersey will be completely gone.  New Jerseyans will not even get to enjoy the end of harness racing in their state because that will end on March 30, 2011, so the average Jerseyan will only get to fell free of that industry for a little over a year.” 

Dunts works in the field of plate tectonics, but what about the physical effects in human beings?

“There will be an increase in male homosexuality in Hawaii and New Jersey,” said Dr. Vera Tomburni of The Human Sexual Nature Clinic on Cherry Grove, Fire Island, New York.  “This increase in secret homosexuality will heavily impact the towns of Belleville and Bloomfield, New Jersey which already have a huge amount of closeted gay guys — especially cops and firemen.  We don’t understand this odd phenomenon but we know that it has been going on since the late 1970s.

The change in the earth’s axis will change the hormonal flow in the womb.  The next generation of men will be very gay and muscular.  They will also be very closeted much the same way male strippers are closeted today.  They will have a “girlfriend” with them at all times and they will come off as very well-groomed and good-looking guys, but they will be pillow-biters — let’s make no bones about that.  It has to happen because of the switch in genetic material.”

So, now you know what will happen now that the Earth has shifted on it’s axis.

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