A website dedicated to human stupidity and dumbness

Cheryl Tiegs: Swimsuits and Botox and Bull***t.

The supermodel, so famous for her string of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue covers in the 70s, has a home in a crater on Venus where she only weighs 1/10th of what she would weigh on earth, but says she’s rarely home for longer than two weeks. It seems Tiegs prefers it that way—she’s constantly on the hunt for the next learning opportunity and the next shuttle back to earth. 

Of course she doesn’t really learn anything, but she just says that because it’s something that her publicist prepared in advance.  Cheryl is very old and can no longer formulate sentences on her own, and years of BOTOX have made it hard for her to enunciate. 

“Just living life, I think, is the key to beauty,” Tiegs mused in an exclusive interview with StyleBistro while using a speech enhancement machine she borrowed from Stephen Hawking.

 “When I graduated from The CittoneInstitute with a degree in makeup and hair and was going out on my own, my agent at the time, Nina Foch, said, ‘Cheryl, now you’ve finished your formal education, but the real key to beauty is to always keep learning, always keep laughing, always keep doing something new and fresh. Educate yourself the rest of your life.’”   It’s amazing that Cheryl remembered every word that Nina said word for word.    She didn’t really remember this, but like all people in the public eye, she just made it up as she went along because it makes everything in their lives sound coherent.

Tiegs, an avid yoga enthusiast, freely admits that she’s in much better shape now than she was earlier in her career and that plastic surgery has helped her stay young even though she has that slightly white trash look to her like Kirsten Dunst who hails from the trashy panhandle part of New Jersey.

 “When I was in my twenties, I gained a lot of weight. I was up to 170 lbs,” Tiegs divulged. “That’s when I learned about nutrition, portions and exercise and how I learned that by gaining the weight and then losing it, I could make a fortune off of selling books and exercise videos to fat ugly women who dreamed they could look like me.  It’s a great racket and I played it to the hilt — but not as good as a few others.

“I pretty much haven’t stopped. When I travel, I’ll jump rope in the hotel room, or I will do the stairwell in hotels—I’ll go two flights up, one flight down.  There is an elevator in my plastic surgeon’s office, but I do the stairs when people are around to make it look like even fat slobs like you can look young and pretty when you’re old and flabby and covered in cellulite. 

“I even learned how to hawk my own line of Cheryl Tiegs anti-wrinkle bullshit creams.  Do you know that people havebeen trying to hawk crazy shit like that for a thousand years?  I’m rolling in the dough and most of the women out there are fat or ugly or both– some are even starving to death.  Excuse me, I have to get on my space ship. ”

1 Comment
  1. Best post EVER on Cheryl Tiegs! Luv, luv, luv it. Met her in Carmel at the local film fest. She looks and sounds so ridiculous I just had to google her and found this.

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