A bus ride home from the State Home For Iowan Simpletons paid off handsomely for Mackenzie and Steven Schultz when they left a $100 tip to a struggling waiter at a really bad restaurant.
“Steven and Mackenzie stopped at the Kozuki restaurant in Cedar Rapids to celebrate their sixth anniversary because in Iowa it is legal for mentally impaired people to get married provided that one of the betrothed has an IQ of 67 or higher. Luckily Steven’s IQ comes in at 68 and he was able to marry Mackenzie who lost most of her intellect when it was absorbed by the excess tissue in her gums,” said a source close to the investigation.
Okay — now shoot me. Yes, I called them simpletons and I made fun of her gums. Why shouldn’t I? These two dimwits pretended that they were heartbroken for the struggling waiter who was burdened with 12 tables and no help. Bullshit.
I don’t believe they did this because they cared or because they’re such wonderful people. They did it because the whole “photo-of-restaurant-receipt-with-note attached” routine seems to be the newest way to get some cheap-ass fame. Their plan worked too! They are featured on the cover of every simpleton’s favorite magazine “US” and the extremely slow-minded Today Show — just look for her giant gums.
In my opinion, they don’t give a flying fuck about the waiter. They just tried to cash in for 15 minutes of fame, and because they are starting their own restaurant nearby. By smearing a local restaurant under the guise of presenting themselves as super great people, they’re trying to sucker the sentimental simpletons in their area into patronizing their establishment.
Again, this is my opinion — I mean about her gums. Maybe some people will not think they’re so huge. Everything else I said about these two is probably true. Gummy and her husband have opened their own restaurant in Iowa and did this as a publicity stunt. So, unless they’re going to give away free food, I say don’t go to it.
Anyway, the two idiots in question paid their $66 bill in spite of allegedly horrific service and then left the bedraggled waiter a $100 tip.
They wrote on the receipt: “We’ve both been in your shoes. Paying it forward.” So then, like all Good Samaritans do – NOT – they took a photo of the receipt and posted the whole frigging story on Facebook. PLEEEEEEEZE!
First of all Hubby and Gummy, if you’ve both “been there” you would know that the waiter (real name D. Kyle Malgue.) was not going to keep the $100. He would be forced to share that tip with all the other shitty servers and bartenders and busboys who made his job so hard in the first place. So right there the two of you are full of shit. You didn’t help Kyle — you gave a few bucks to everyone who works at that dump and you saved the owners of Kozuki from being forced to hire more help. How frigging stupid?
The answer to that is simple. The Schultz duo ain’t so dumb after all. Well — they’re dumb in the moron sense — but they were smart enough to know how to manipulate the overly maudlin and mildly retarded people who rule the roost on most folk’s Facebook pages. Now they’ll even get on “ELLEN” — the official nation of the Simpletons of the world.
Mackenzie “Gums” Schultz said: “It was very obvious that the issue was being short staffed, not the server. He was running around like crazy and never acted annoyed with any table. At one point we counted he had 12 tables plus the bar. More than any one person could handle! As I sat there and watched him run back & forth and apologize for the wait, I said to Steven… ‘Wow, this used to be us.’ Waiting tables. I don’t miss it at all and I never loved that job. I did it for the tips.”
Listen up, Mackenzie. If you really cared and you really wanted to “pay it forward” you would not have taken a picture of the receipt — with your name and the last 4 digits of your Amex card on it no less — on Facebook. Face it — you wanted ATTENTION! Good Samaritans do not look for photo ops. They don’t even have Facebook accounts. I hope if you make money off of this, you get your gums filed down.
BY: Damien LeGallienne — EXCLUSIVE FOR THE DAMIEN ZONE
