“Charlie Sheen wants to die.”

According to Fox News big guy and famous anti-Italian American, Bill O’Reilly, “Charlie Sheen wants to die.” 

In a recent interview with Geraldo Rivera where Rivera called Sheen “a pig,”  O’Reilly stopped him with the admonishment that “we don’t do personal attacks around here.”   Of course O’Reilly doesn’t do personal attacks against anyone who is not Italian American.

So Bill O’Reilly is inside Charlie Sheen’s mind and with that devine capability, O’Reilly has discovered that Charlie Sheen wants to die.

“Bill has the powers to go inside a person’s mind and understand their motivations,” said Luigi Braccio, a childhood friend from Long Island.

“Even when we were kids he could go inside your brain and know what you were thinking.  One time I told him not go inside my head and he stood over me like a big Irish bastard and told me that I was a nothing little grease ball and spaghetti bender.  He went inside my mind and found out that I was having a homosexual identity crisis.  When he came out of my mind he had a boner and said that he would never do that again.  He sends me flowers every Valentine’s Day.”

What a great gift of knowledge and mind-melding has been handed down to Bill O’Reilly.  This week he plans to go inside the heads of all the Egyptian people and find out why they are rioting.