If you don’t know what I am talking about, good for you, but it seems that Rep Kucinich bought a wrap sandwich from Longworth House Office Building cafeteria April 17, 2008, and he bit into an olive that had a pit. He says (his lawyer says) that he suffered unbearable injuries even though he seemed fine speaking about other matters at a press conference only five days after the olive allegedly ruined his life.
The suit claims: Kucinich sustained serious and permanent dental and oral injuries requiring multiple surgery and oral procedures and sustained other damages, including significant pain, suffering and loss of enjoyment. He also has had erectile dysfunction since the open heart surgery that was performed to determine if the olive pit had penetrated his heart. Also one of his lungs had to be removed when traces of olive scrapings were found on an xray. The Congressman also had the roof his mouth removed and replaced with a metal bar that prevents food from going into his brain when he chews. Without this artificial palate, the congressman would have to eat through a tube in his stomach like Terry Schiavo. The Congressman’s entire jaw had to be replaced with a teflon mesh and it took over a year for the mesh to grow into bone. It was a very serious set of situations and for a while it did not look like Mr. Kucinich would pull through. While he is now severly impaired and in constant and merciless pain, it looks like he will survive. His family was by his bedside and suffered severe anguish when the Congressman had to be administered the Last Rites — that’s how close he came.”
So now Botanists at Columbia University School Of Botany have to determine the olive’s national origin because a lot rests on that one key fact.
“We need to know if it was a Greek Olive or an Italian Olive,” said a source close to the diminutive -congressman. “If the Olive is from Greece we can’t push for too much money because the Greeks are pretty much broke.
“If the Olive came from Italy we can ask for a little more because Italians are better off financially. The killer would be if the olive came from California because we can sue them like nobody’s business. We’re looking for $150,000 but a California Olive can bring that amount up closer to half a million dollars.
Scientists are using DNA strand testing and in about two weeks the results will be determined. There are two fears in the Kucinich camp as far as the testing is concerned.
“Two weeks could make or break the case,” said botany expert, Hildegarde VonHipple who chairs the Botany Department at Columbia.
“There is a good chance that the olive came from Israel and since that country does not pay claims for any problems that might be caused by any of it’s exports, the Congressman will get nothing. Also, the public will have time to see that the Congressman is petty and he doesn’t really need the money. Nobody who sues over an olive pit can ever be taken seriously. “