Laura Vikmanis is the oldest cheerleader in the NFL and perhaps the oldest woman in the world. Her breast implants were done by Dr. Louie Pasteur but advanced age doesn’t stop her from spelling out the word M-E-N-O-P-A-U-S-E by contorting her body into shapes from the alphabet — the Roman alphabet that is — it didn’t even exist when Laura started out as a cheerleader for the Cincinnati Ben-Gals, back when they were called The Colosseum Christian Chopping Chicks back in 200 BC.
“I used to cheer for the animals to kill the gladiators and whoever else Caesar wanted to throw in there,” said Vikamis from the stone cell where they keep her between games.
“I always sided with the management because I have been a company girl from the start. Now that I am so old I have to work harder to keep up with the other girls so it helps to have the bosses like me even though I am kind of beat in the face.
At the ripe old age of 2300, she is easily 2300 years older than most of her fellow Cincinnati Ben-Gals, but she eats only fresh organic food and olives picked from the seven hills of Rome where she was born under the reign of Emperor Nero.
“I used to hang out with Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar and then Napoleon and Charles De Gaulle and even Mussolini when he was around, but today is the best time of my life.
“I don’t drink and I don’t smoke — well I can’t smoke because I am on oxygen therapy — but I never really did anything bad in my life except a little stripping and prostitution back in the Dark Ages when things were tough all over. I was even a nurse during the Bubonic Plague. I actually caught the plague and you can see the scars all over my old body, but I survived.
I intend to keep cheerleading as long as the crowd is far enough away from me so they can’t get a good look at me.